To Love Me

I have so much advice for others, but when it comes to me I haven't been living it. I bet you ask yourself "Why is this intelligent woman so messed up emotionally?" The answer is plain and simple I am a giver not a taker. I receive more by giving than receiving. I always have. For you see this has been one of the many anniversaries of mama and Jason's deaths. I can never get through it without living it all over again in my head. But, now I had a epiphany I know why I do this now. I know why I still love Jason the way I did so many years ago, I learned to love him more than myself. With me everything is about Jason and not me. I made a saint out of him. No one can compete with a saint. I suppose I will always love Jason I have no doubt of that, but I have to learn to love myself again. I need to put me first again, and I haven't for a long time.

I have went through the motions all this time. I lost my true identity out on that dark, desolate stretch of road the night Jason died. I put everything into my studies, my work, my career with no thought of being with anyone else. Yes, I tried to love another yet it deemed unsuccessful. I do love, I know how to love, but I love everyone but myself. Everyone knows that to be loved you first must learn to love yourself  first and foremost. I forgot how. Why? Because, I blame myself for Jason's passing. If only I had been riding out front maybe I would have saw that deer. If I hadn't had to stop at that service station to pee we would have missed that deer completely. I am constantly to this day going through all the would've, should've, could've, and if this would have a different ending. My answer now is NO!

I know now I cannot change the outcome. I never could. No amount of praying for God to take me would not or will not ever change the outcome of Jason being dead. He is DEAD!!! I am ALIVE!!! I have been living with survivors guilt for a long time, and I need to change that now. I have to find a way to love me again and know I am worthy of living and loving again. Looks can be deceiving- We can put on our fake smiles telling ourselves and everyone around us that we are fine when we are actually dying little by little each and everyday in front of there very eyes. They don't have a clue unless we ourselves reveal it to them.

I am through blaming myself for Jason's death when there was nothing I could do to save him. It was much easier to tell the people that didn't know him that he died of a rare form of brain cancer, than to tell them that he was decapitated on a farmers barbwire fence when he hit a deer on his bike. This is the graphic details that I live with daily. Still at night sometimes I am all alone out in that field holding just his body and telling him everything will be okay when I was a medical student at that time and knew better. I can't do anything for Jason I never could when I found his body and held him for 35 minutes until the paramedics came.

I have to stop this..and learn to love me again.