HELP JASON!

I still wait for you, I will still wait for as long as it may take, 

I still long for your touch, your embrace, and I may be 

kidding myself, but I can almost feel you sometimes.

Not a day goes by that I do not speak with you and 

ask you all the questions I need to ask of someone, 

but I ask them of you since you are not judgmental and 

nothing I can say will change your mind about me.

You my love, love me above all others I know that.

Try as I may I have tried to let go. Yes, I talk to you daily, 

although,you never talk back I know your answers without 

them even being spoken. 

I need you now more than ever, my love. I can't keep filling

my days, and my dreams of you. I know you would not want that,

but it is safer for me. As long as I am Jason's girl no one can ever 

touch me, and nothing can ever harm me. 

I did it yet again my love I pushed away someone one I cared 

for, not because you wouldn't like them, but because I like them

a little too much. My life has been busy lately and everyone was 

trying to be loving and caring, but I did not have enough time in 

the day to do everything they wanted me to do. But, yet there 

was one special person that I should have made the time for, but

of course I didn't 

HELP JASON! 

Sorry About Last Week!

There has to be a better way to be me. I want to be someone people can't count on, and not someone that runs and hides when things get rough. For you see I never thought that last week would have been such a big deal yet it was. I had friends, family, colleagues making plans for me, to go to the beach, to come and visit me, making plans for going away parties, girl's night out parties etc. There was not enough hours in the day for all the plans they were throwing at me and expecting answers. I couldn't come up with any answers, well answers that would not hurt people so I ignored the entire situation. I know this was (cowardly) and for this I am sorry. But, I could not find words that would not hurt anyone. At one point I simply wanted to tear what hair I have out by the roots. This was something I did not want to deal with and I am truly sorry.

Then when I was sent gifts from parties I didn't even attend I prayed the ground would swallow me up. I am not a very good person right now, and I would not blame you if you hated or resented me. I simply could not choose out of fear of hurting someone, but I hurt the people I love after all. I do apologize, and I ask for your forgiveness.

Sincerely,

Shadows Shaken

Night transforms life's colors into grey scandalous
shadows
Bars march around the cold walls in confining tempo

Haunting images dance through the air with devious intent

The once comforting lullaby is repeated internally as a
devouring growl
Intermittent streaks of hope fly above offering a glimpse into the darkness.
Movement is enabled as abandon internal screams go unheard

Drifting out of body offers endless pictures of
expectations

Cradled in protective arms released to an endless fall with a
jolt

Hands approach lifting into consoling

unconditional love

"Our Unbelievable Love"

You are one in a million I've come to realize,
Laying in bed not wanting to close my eyes,
Seeing you smile so joyous while your dreaming,
Wondering if in your thoughts I'm streaming,
The tenderness radiating from your love,
Elevating my soul high above,
The land and the seas,
Its a cool summer breeze,
On a hot and muggy day,
You laying by my side I wouldn't have it any other way,
Being on my mind always instead of once in awhile,
Never thought again my heart would smile,
Savoring the recollects of every kiss,
Still amazed that your love can do something like this.

This Author Is Frustrated & using a few choice words

Note: This is an old post I found in my drafts; there is a lot of hurt in this post and I can't adequately speak to that pain now. However, the way I see it, there is a reason I wrote it all that time ago and I ought to go ahead and post it. So without further ado, here is a lost piece of my blogging life:

Have you ever had a friend who suffers from 'kettle-syndrome'? Let me explain 'kettle-syndrome': I assume you are familiar with the phrase, "the pot calling the kettle black", while someone with the kettle-syndrome is someone who takes great pleasure or maybe even goes out of their way to call someone else out on an issue that is clearly evident in their own life and they seem to have no desire to fix the problem in their own life.

Or how about the person who joins the 'conversation' a little late and assumes that they are the only ones who are on the ball? You have been saying similar kinds of things for months, but suddenly it registers with them and the idea is so novel, they can't believe no one thought of it before...

But obviously, you don't know what you're doing, nor do you have the right motives. This person knows all and can see how inferior you really are. Man, you just suck at life, don't you? You might as well just give up, your friend clearly has better motives and abilities and can handle the situation better anyway; you would just be getting in the way.

It would really stink if this were your life, yeah? Well, I am so glad that it isn't mine, but it has been before. And let me just say that there is little hope for these kinds of friends-honestly, they are so self-obsessed that they rarely acknowledge your presence anyway, only when it is beneficial for their ends/goals. So if you discreetly remove yourself from the situation, they eventually forget who you are and move onto their next source of esteem-looking for someone who they can walk all over and use.

There's a lot of hurt in this post and so for that reason it may not be 100% accurate and part of it could be skewed by emotional hurt. But I am trying to deal with that pain through this post-so deal with it. If this post speaks to you-there is probably a reason. If it doesn't-good for you (this is not said sarcastically, I genuinely mean it).

Amber

p.s. I bet a bunch of you were expecting me to cuss because of the title; you probably got really excited too "ooh, Amber's gonna cuss, I gotta see that!" Shame on you.

"After He called the crowd to Him again, He began saying to them, 'Listen to Me, all of you and understand: there is nothing outside the man which can defile him if it goes into him; but the things which proceed out of the man are what defile the man." Mark 7:14-15

"With it [the tongue] we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God;" James 3:9

Take A Risk

Take a risk and TRUST.  This is my task now and then, to cultivate this capacity again.  I assume that we all have this when we are born, and then loose it on the way. I feel the need for this ability more and more for my life to flow… 

And here something I have written a month ago…

Listening to the rain

I envy the raindrop.

How it surrenders

To the present moment.

As it touches the ground

It takes the shape of the ground,

And allows itself to flow…

I envy the raindrop,

Envy being as free as a drop of water,

Not to be fixed on any shape,

Any time, any idea, any title.

Wanting to flow from this earth

To other ways of being,

Not worrying about the past nor the future,

Not worrying about this body, this flesh…

And this body as liquid as it can be,

Perhaps is capable

Of being as free as a raindrop.

This mind as imaginary as a tale

Perhaps is capable

Of being free and spacious…

The skill is finding that deep repose.

Mini Cheese Cakes

INGREDIENTS:

CRUST ~
1 1/3   cup graham cracker crumbs
1/4      cup white sugar
1/4      cup margarine (Melted)


CHEESECAKE ~
32       oz packaged cream cheese (Softened at room temperature)
1         cup white sugar
2         tbsp lemon juice
2         tsp  grated lemon zest
1         tsp  vanilla extract
4         eggs
1        can cherry or blueberry pie filling OR
          raspberries, strawberries or blueberries OR
          chocolate syrup



DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 325 F.
2. Grease 4 - 6 cup muffin pans. 
3. Mix together crust ingredients with a fork, until combined.
4. Spoon into the bottom of each muffin cup and press firmly.
5. Bake for 5 minutes, then remove and cool.
6. Beat together the cream cheese, sugar, lemon juice, lemon zest and vanilla until  fluffy.
7. Mix in eggs.
8. Mixture should be smooth and silky.
9. Pour the cream cheese mixture into the muffin cups, filling each 3/4 full.
10. Bake for 25 minutes.
11. Cool completely before removing.
12. Refrigerate until ready to sere.
13. Top with fruit or fruit filling. 

Yields 24

Spinach Pie with Greek Salad

INGREDIENTS:

Spinach Pie ~
1/3   cup         Olive Oil
2      lbs          Fresh Spinach (washed & drained)
1      bunch     Scallions (White & green parts - chopped)    
1/4   cup         Parsley (finely chopped)
1/2   lb            Feta Cheese (crumbled)
1      large       Egg (lightly beaten)  or {2 small eggs}
1      cup         unsalted butter (melted)
1      lb            filo pastry sheets



Greek Salad ~
2                    Cucumber (seeded) and sliced 1/4" thick
2                    Red Bell Pepper (large diced)

2                    Yellow Bell Pepper (large diced)
2                    Pint Cherry or Grape tomatoes (halved)
1                    Red Onion (sliced in 1/2 moon rounds)
1/2      lb         Feta Cheese (diced)
1/2      cup      Calamata olives (pitted)
4         Cloves Garlic
2         tsp       Oregano (dried)
1         tsp       Dijon Mustard
1/2      cup       Red Wine Vinegar
2         tsp       Kosher salt
1         tsp       Black pepper
1         tsp       Olive oil

DIRECTIONS: - Spinach Pie

1. Preheat oven to 350 F.
2. Heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a large pan.
3. Add half of the spinach and saute until wilted. (Apx 2 min.)
4. Remove spinach, squeeze out excess liquid then chop.
5. Repeat with remaining spinach, remaining oil, scallions, parsley, salt & pepper.
6. Cook over low heat (apx 2 min) then remove and cool.
7. Stir in feta and eggs to moisten the spinach mixture.
8. Butter a 9X13" baking pan and spread sheets of filo.
9. Brush each with butter.
10. Spoon the spinach over the filo.
11. Cover with 6 more sheets of filo, buttering each sheet.
12. Score the top 3 sheets with a sharp knife.
13. Bake for 40-45 minutes, or until top is golden.
14. Let stand 15 minutes, then cut into squares.
15. Serve warm.

~ Greek Salad

1. Place cucumber, peppers, tomatoes & red onions in a large bowl
2. For Vinaigrette: Whisk together garlic, oregano, mustard, vinegar, salt and pepper in a bowl.
3. Continue to whisking and slowly, add olive oil.
4. Pour over the vegetables.
5. Add feta and olives, then toss lightly.
6. Allow flavors to blend at least 30 minutes before serving at room temperature.

Serves 8-10 people

How it is and how it was....

Now I could write something mushy about how you should love the one your with.  Or, I could write something cynical, like the story of St. Valentine shedding his blood for love.  However, I won't go there...umm...well, I won't go there in detail!  Instead I thought I'd share some rituals new and old.

Then.....

Armpit apples: Ladies, is the flirting and small talk getting your crush to notice you?  If not, try this old school, I mean 1700's (Victorian) old school, ritual.  Before you go to the ball...errr...I mean dance...I mean club, stick an apple or apple slices under your armpit.  At the end of the night, give it to your favorite guy.  If he likes you, apparently he'll take a bite of your sweaty armpit apple.  (Apparently this ritual may still be alive and well in rural Australia.) Personally, I'd be a little weary of this one.  The guy could just be a freak!  Maybe it's just pheromones, but your safest bet is to stick with serving up chocolates from a box.

Bundling: Once a common practice, males and females would spend the night together, in the same bed....but, tightly wrapped in separate blankets, with a "bundling board" between them.  Honestly, would this practice work now?  I think NOT!

Dance Cards: Apparently the Victorians also enjoyed dance cards.  Yes ladies, you'd always have someone to dance with at the club.  Gentlemen would sign dance card in order to take a spin around the floor.  It was considered poor form to have an available line on your dance card.  Equally, it was poor form not to dance with everyone who signed your card! In other words ladies, you can't say no if your asked to dance!

Gloves:  So in old world England, men would send gloves to their crush.  If she was interested she'd wear them.  This ritual seems really sweet, but I still don't think it would work in modern times.  
              Men were also required to wear gloves when courting. Typically a courting visit didn't last longer than half-hour and the gloves always stayed on. Oh to be forbidden from touching!  Actually, ice-skating and roller-skating became wildly popular because it was socially acceptable to touch while participating in these activities. 

Visiting Girls: This chinese (Dai) ritual entails women sitting around a bonfire, men wearing blankets and playing instruments. Each musician selects a woman to serenade.  If she likes him, she pulls a stool from under her skirt for him to sit on.  The man, in turn, wraps his blanket around her and they do what people in love do....get your mind out of the gutter...they whisper sweet nothings into each other's ears.

Now.......

Dating: He's willing to take you out in the day time...where people can see you.  If he only wants to see you at his house or yours....it's a "booty" call!

Laughter:   If he laughs at your jokes, even if they are not funny.  He's in it to win it.

Online dating:  This one is self explanatory!

Text:  If he's interested he'll text/email you between lunch and dinner.  Anything later than that is a "booty" call!

As a side note, say it with music: You might make your intended a CD with a list of favorite songs, which express your intensions.  Be carful with your song selection. Depending on the stage of your relationship you might select: (“So Into You” Fabolous; “Tell Me What We’re Gonna Do Now” Joss Stone; “Lost Without U” Robin Thicke;“Let’s Get It On” Marvin Gaye; “L-O-V-E” Joss Stone; "Lucky” Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat; “Make You Feel My Love” Adele; “Sunday Morning” Maroon 5; “Wonderful Tonight” Eric Clapton;“Marry Me” Train)....Again warning, if you put this list of songs on a CD, you better be ready to commit!

So if your brave enough to do it, on Feburary 14th, let your secret crush know your in tune with them, or at the very least you'll want to offer them your armpit apple, to see if they bite!

If your single, enjoy it!   Just think, you've saved yourself from creepy cupid.  You've saved yourself from the hassle of shopping for chocolates, flowers, champaign, lingerie, mylar balloons, mushy cards, candlelit dinners, overstuffed teddy bears, over priced jewelry.....I rattle that off as if it matters.

Let's face it, there's really nothing wrong with spending the night with someone you really love, YOU!!!