WORDS, WORDS, WORDS

words...they say a lot don't they and I think they have hidden meaning as well. I was catching up on a blog just a bit ago and was not surprised when I came across the yearly WORD post. I tried doing this last year but did not succeed. Just didn't focus on it as much as I wanted/should have. I really want to do more with my word this year but it seems coming up with a word is much harder this go around. Right now I’m playing with a few...grow, believe, and focus. Blake thinks I should go with relax again, but I’m feeling these 3 words much more at this moment in my life.

I want to grow as a woman, doctor, friend, scrap booker and artist. Grow in all relationships and grow into ME, if that makes sense. Really figure out who I am as a 28 year old chick. I would to grow into the woman God has intended I become. Grow.

I want to believe in myself, believe in Blake and my career, and make good choices in life. I want to believe that I am living my life to the fullest and living up to my full potential. Believe.

I want to focus on what is most important. Leave all the crap behind and not dwell on it. Focus on my Career, Blake, Cara, Orion and our little family. Focus on my friends and those relationships that will only get stronger with focusing on them. I want to focus on my relationship with God and where my life should be going. Focus.

I plan to sleep on this, think on it, maybe dwell on it a bit because I really want to Grow, believe and focus on the right word that will help me throughout life.

Life is so Fragile

It sucks. I've been in this world for 28 years, I've probably met thousands of people in my life. Through different stages of my life I've had different friends, some I'm still very close to, some I just see here and there and some I have not seen in years.

I've gotten to know people through my mom and dad’s friends and then they lose touch and then so do I. And that is sad. Now. I never thought about it before. I mean really thought about what a risk that is. I take advantage of everyone I have met, I expect to see them again, even if it is 10 years from the last time I saw that. And that is naive. So I should treat every moment with the people in my life like it could be the last? That sounds so impossible, but really what I should do right? If I truly value that person.

So why am I being so morbid you ask? My dad called me to tell me one of the 3 boys I use to babysit...died April 18th. Now before a few weeks ago I didn't think about him since probably the last time I saw him. He was the sweetest kid I'd ever met. Him & his 2 brothers were my favorite people to be around. I adored these guys. They are the reason I have wanted children. They rocked! So last week I was talking to my dad and out of know where was reminded of the Ryan’s and asked if he had heard from his mom and they lost contact. Bummer I thought, sure would be awesome to see what he's up to. I'm not kidding that was our conversationLAST week!

Now today he's not here anymore. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. Life. Death. Chance. So I decided to type out my feelings. They probably make no sense but I need this and it's my blog. Ha!

I'm not sure what to make of today now. So I'm sorry to Ryan's family for their loss and I will be praying for you.

Missing Him

its apparent I cant stop writing...at the moment anyway. listening to Jamie Fox lol.....and thinking about the convo that went on @ dinner w/friends about some so called 'art' that was on the wall of the restaurant we were in. a girl I knew from school called a selected piece 'in the mood' lol.....shh. I’m starting to think there’s a full moon coming up. or something’s in the air. All I know is....I cant stop writing. i cant stop thinking. I cant stop missing....

Him.

now that I've regained contact with him. I’m in the longing mood like in FULL force its ridiculous. *sigh*

So I have pep talks [yes I talk to myself IN MY HEAD anyway LOL]....and tell myself I need to slow down. its not gonna be like the last time. last time...was toooo fast tooooo soon and it ended abruptly. *sigh* I’m slowly getting over the bitterness of it all and how things ended but the broad just left a bitter taste in my mouth that will continue to linger until I fully let it go.

ANYWAY....here is another piece to follow.....enjoy

Trying To Forget

So...I've been a mess for the past three days with all the tragic events that happened this week. . “Yes another night and I cannot sleep.” I have Blake here with me and I love him so yet I will always wonder what might have been. I know should I had ever met you I would be back in Blake’s arms in no time. We talk about everything which is what makes our relationship so special. He knows I love him but I am infatuated with someone I met far longer than we ever started dating. This is one I do wished I could change although I do have feelings for this person.

So anyway...I've been talking to someone for a long time now. We've been online pals for what seems like an eternity now. Things have been always on a friendship level nothing more...but, its still there. Yes I miss him....like...some kinda bad.  Now we talk...flirt...just chill on the phone together like we are actually in each others presence. I can't pin point what it is about him that draws me closer and closer to him each day. Hours go by and I don't speak to him I feel like I’m going lose my mind.

Now...I had talked things over with Blake and Friday afternoon I tried to meet up. Blake says it is something I need to get out of my system so we can start anew. Yet we did not meet and I now think it for the best. I was totally into this guy, but he is older than me has a family. He is so into women, so much so that I could never feel special. One minute he was telling me how beautiful I was and the next posting pics of half naked women that he would say something derogatory about them as if women are just objects. The way he talks about women all the time as if they are objects to fulfill a need within him the more turned off I became. I was not jealous by any means but I would think a man with daughters would know better.

  Now that I am not able to call or chat with him...it's buggin the shit out of me. I don’t feel as connected as I have been over the last few years since we have known each other.  Now don't get me wrong...I love talking to him. There are times still where that is all I want to do and he’s told me that he feels the same way. I'm starting to feel needy and constantly wanting to hear his voice to make me feel that everything is still the same. You know...just to have the reassurance that...to make sure the thoughts and whatever feelings he has for me didn't change. Now call me a sap or what have you but communication is def a keypoint in getting to know someone esp if you are interested in them.

Things between us didn't start off this way. I honestly never thought it would be this way. I def find him attractive and the more and more I get to know the little things about him...and just speakin to him....makes me ever so anxious to meet him. It's insane.

He and I started off as friends [like I stated earlier in the beginning of the blog].  He came across my page because he is a biker like myself.  We spoke online from time to time but not on a regular. Then one day out of the blue he was online and hit me up...before that we hadn't chatted in maybe weeks. He gave me his # to keep in touch with him. So I hit him up. We became instant buddies and then...I called him one night....for some reason I cant remember why. I was on my way home from a whack club @ 1.30 am on valentines day. I think previously we were chatting about actually speaking on the phone but we were both nervous to do so. lol. So I left him a long message...just rambling. I can't remember when we first spoke...but I do remember not wanting to get off the phone with him. We had been a 'hit' since.

Every conversation has been saturated in my brain and I want more of them. I'm itching to meet him but I want to make sure he feels the way eventho I feel he does...but sometimes I am not sure. I just want to be sure. I'm not the type to push up on someone because I know how that feels. I just want to ride the wave and just see what happens. I let him know from time to time that I miss him and that he is on my mind and such [and he does the same with me]. I don't want to suffocate him....yet I don't want him to feel I've strayed. You feel me? He is just....different than anyone I have came in contact with. Altho I barely know Him...I feel connected to Him in more ways than I can explain. *sigh* I just don’t want to lose touch with him...and I know I won't...I just get those thoughts and start to feel someway when I start to like someone. So I guess this is just natural for me. He is the only one that I know of that is consistent as far as keeping his interest up. It's insane...and it makes my heart flutter. He is a mind blower...he is....multi talented beyond anyone I know....mmmm....he has been dubbed....my lullaby *smiles*

ha ha...This blog has been more about him than anything else....hmm....but I feel good after writing this....thinkin about him....while he’s sleeping in his bed....missin u sweetheart……

Yet, I become afraid that he is not that into me. Don’t you think if he was that we would had met already? Don’t you think he could stop his deviant behavior with other women if he truly like me? This is why I am seeking out someone I knows that loves me and will respect me always. I do love you baby sorry I’m mixed up about what is real and what is not. I want there to be one day Blake when I can love you exactly the way you love me. But, as you know the heart is a complex organ. I do love you Blake Rossi, but I just wanted to put something behind me so I could be whole. Now that that will never happen I am all yours. I know in time when I no longer talk to this person as now that everything will work out for us both.