I Write

I love to write and sometimes I am just overwhelmed with all the crap in my head. It may not mean anything to you and yes, you may not get it. Some of my post are old mixed with the new for Jason I am here and still missing you. Believe it or not I can bust rhymes, but I write so that I do not seem like I am uneducated  and cannot spell ;)But If you must judge me for me for that and if u ain’t into that I don't give a damn


scribble
scrabble
on my pad
isn't just a fad
its a love
its a gift from above
my craft
my crank shaft
I bust ballpoints
I prove points
I crack frowns...
into smiles
I bleed hearts
I shed tears
I  release fears
I write
I fight
I bleed
I plant a seed
into your mind
they say....knowledge is power
my words will take you higher
into the biggest denomination ever existed

I come prepared....hands fisted
pen enclosed
ready to make you...
fight again
love again
smile again
breathe again
think again
move you..
again

That Was Me

out of sorts
out of placement
out of time
out of...
my mind

memories flash back
memories reappear
memories....
o so clear

feelings linger
feelings hinder
feelings render
feelings...
get in the way

stability
tranquility
the ability to...
love me
all of me
without doubting me
without questioning me
without second guessing me

but none of you could do that
judgmental
hypocritical
belittle
made me feel...
less of myself

well no more
because...
I know who I am
I know who I’ll be
I know what I need
and its not you
with me

its just me
in the rain
against the tears
fighting against the fears
fighting against all odds
trying to see the light
through my darkest nights
ill find a way
to through away
the pain
the loneliness
the bitterness
the sadness
the thoughts
of you
and me
the former...we
something you never did see
love
that was me

Fading Memories

snap...the light switch
snap...your fingers
snap...your emotions
snap...your eyes

shut...from every form of reality
shut...from the beauty of ACTUAL realness
shut...from letting anything good come in

I never had the key
I never had the pass to free roam
I never had the interview
I never had the special meeting
I never had the 1st date
I never had you

I will always have 1st memories
1st conversations
1st nicknames
1st falling out
1st butterfly
1st smile
1st...feeling wanted
1st...feeling GOOD
1st...feeling loved
1st...feeling connected

you were my inkling
my hook line & sinker
my chip to my salsa
my Oreo to my milk
the sugar in my sweet tea
the rainbow in my clear sky
the perfect beat along with my tight verse

I’ll forever remember you
I’ll forever hold you
I’ll forever miss you
until
we connect
again

He

He has...

his voice
eludes me
soothes me
moves my...
heart
into another
time
place
existence

He has captured
my mind
my attention
focus on anything else
is a distraction
and I cant help
but to be focused
on just words
conversation
relaxation

He has...
elated me
calmed me
dwelled....
in my heart & mind
continuously intertwining
thoughts
into verbal action
enticing me
eluding me....
making me realize
there is beauty
in friendship
beauty
in conversation
beauty
in relaxing
to the
subtle tones within his voice

conversing with him...I’m taken back
to memory lane
remembering...
the butterflies
the anxious times
the tongue tied nights
being...verbally cajoled
apparently it doesn't take much
and yet all He did was
speak
sing
lull me...
into his world

Set Me Free

As a little girl I hoped Id find happiness without heart break. Little did I know that growing up you felt both. I dreamed of meeting that infamous ONE. The one that would make me eternally happy and we would have a family & grow old together. I found him once, but the Lord needed him more than me, so he is with mama and the angels now.

I've been told that you have to go thro the good to get to the bad. Why does someone so good have to go thro so much heartache, pain, loneliness....so many tryin times? Why? I don't know and I know that I can't answer this. I know that life is a test...a journey...a trial. Thro the trials & tribulations we must remain strong....head held high & even a little smile on the face....

Right now I can't. I seem to be stuck in the middle of me. In understanding everything that he’s goin thro & other things I know nothing about because the so called communication is severely lackin...I stay open minded and remember...that everything does happen for a reason. The distance def doesn’t help. I am tryin to be the strong one & reach out...but if he doesn’t reach back...there is nothing more I can do but anticipate his full arrival...if that happens. 

I thought...once again that I found that...the one...the one that would unlock the door...the one that would wipe away from the haziness that keeps cloudin my eyes, heart & mind....the one that would lift the heaviness from my chest...the one that would keep me happy & we would be there for each other. 

I think tooo much....I love too hard....I fall to fast....I love.....too easily...

The wound has reopended...

I’m bleeding love...and there is no bandaid to stop the bleeding...

Can't Let You Go

you...

! cant stress enough
I cant conceal it enough
! cant control it for long
I cant....

my minds running a maze around you
I long to find you
I long to connect with you
I long to meet you
I long to hear....

your voice 
your laughter
see...
your smile
you sleep
you breath
your every movement

I long to be around you sooo much
i long to hold you
I long to be with you so much...

that...
its bothering me
its saddening me
its makin me feel lonely
its making me feel negelected...
at times

I miss you....more than I can say
I miss you....more than I tell you
i care about you...more than you kno
so why is it so hard 
hard to care
hard to share
hard to balance my time
and your time
because we dont have me time
I miss you
and I just want to see you
sooner
than later
cuz im afraid...
later
will by pass the both of us
and I don't want that
I need all that...
is you
beside me

just to have your presence known
I would drown
in the embodiment of your beautiful soul
I cant let go
I cant...
let
u 
go

baby.....
i miss you....
so

I'm Here

I ache

so I fake

that im ok

i act like i dont have problems

that my hearts not missin you

that my minds not goin insane

but thats not the truth....

its been on over time

workin around the clock

thinkin about you

I cant stop it

iIcant ease it

until i see you

until I hear your...

voice 

in my ear

ease my sorrow

ease my vacated mind

fill it with your...

sunshine

my night

is missing its star

you are my rainbow

after the rain

the sparkle

in the diamond

the comfort

in newness

I'm not afraid

of love

I'm not afraid 

to care

im not afraid

to lose my mind

im not afraid

to tell you how I feel

coz I'm doin that now

I just...

dont wanna say too much

too fast

I want it to last

let my thoughts marinate

and when I tell you

I'll blow your mind

I'm not letting go

I"m not backing down

I'm not stoppin...

know that im not goin newhere

I'm right here

beside you

regardless the distance

I'm here