Going Home

I learned Thursday afternoon that I had off until Monday morning. I started planning a weekend here at home with cutting the grass again, taking Cara and Orion to the vet and having them groomed. Then it hit me what is stopping me from going home I do have a lot I need to do there since I had the movers take some of my furniture and possessions to the farm in GA when I moved to NC. I ask my brothers to just clear some space as much as possible and stick everything in one room for me until I could return home to unpack and store everything properly. So this was not exactly a vacation for me.

With bathroom breaks, whining and having to walk the dogs at every stop it took me almost 8 hours to make it home. A little more than I actually expected. With my stiff neck since my surgery I was in so much pain, but couldn't take anything any stronger than aleave for the pain.  I had to pull over in Gastonia NC and get something to eat since I was feeling sick from the pain take the aleve and I needed coffee and a Monster drink since I had been awake so long. I went into work at 6 am Thursday morning and got off at 2pm and went by the gym and the grocery store before returning home. I was suppose to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday all weekend, but someone had an emergency and needed to trade days with me so they could be off for there father's surgery next week, and so I was there girl (lucky me).

I was able to leave Durham by 7:15 pm packed and ready on the spur of the moment and made it to my home in GA 3 am Friday morning and was I ever beat. I had tried to call my brothers, but they were in class or at work. I did make a post and thought I would make it home undetected that I was coming, but Thursday was one day that Dylan went on his facebook account. Since I said I was going to be sneaky he decided not to tell anyone. But when I wasn't home by 1:45 am he called me. He was going to act surprised, but then he started to worry when it took me longer than he expected. But he still kept it a secret.

When I arrived he was waiting up for me and came out to the car and picked me up and was swinging me around. He loves that he is so much bigger than me now. We went inside to wake up Dawson we left the light off and I jumped in bed with him and gave him a big hug. I thought he would be disoriented this boy could sleep though a tornado. But, he yelled Ber and gave me a big hug. I thought Dylan must have told him I was coming after all and so I said gee thanks Dylan. He said, For What? Dawson said, he didn't tell me you were coming home. I said, how did you know it was me then? He said, What other woman that smells like you with big boobs is going to jump into bed with me and hug me? But, my sister. lmao

I was beat so we got everyone and everything out of the car and I jumped into my bed. Boy it felt nice, it is not my new sleep number bed back home in Durham, but I slept like a baby. I kept hearing the faucet in my bathroom drip, drip, drip so I made a mental note to go to my favorite store "Home Depot" for another fixture. Hmmm something nice. I noticed the ceiling fan over my bed and it was noisey I hate that so I better put one on my list as well. Earth to Amber I remind myself you have plenty of time to start such projects so just deal with the faucet for now why don't you? I tell myself you are tired go to sleep.

I slept so good I didn't awake until 12:45 pm and had slept most of the day away. Haley is insisting that we go out since it is Friday night, but I have so much to do. So she, Michelle and Haley's  daughter Madison came over to help me get started with everything, so I could go out with them tonight Friday. It has been so long since me and my girls got into some shit together, so I am actually looking forward to it.

Haley comes over to my house around 1:30 pm and brought some male surprise guest to help, Ryan Fulmer and Travis Brigman dang does that take me back to old home days. I have saw Ryan at my Aunt Patti's funeral a couple years ago, but wimpy Travis isn't exactly a whip anymore I didn't recognize him at first until he said Hello Britney how are you? OMG I suppose all of you know I hate that? I was called Britney Spear's in school. Well Travis called me that all the way through high school and I was constantly jabbing him with my elbow except for Friday. I know Travis, but defiantly not this Travis. lol When I last saw Travis he was like 6'1 and weighed like 150 lbs. Not being cruel, but he looked like he could be a Holocaust Survivor. Now here is this guy 6'1 and 200lbs and buff...wow Well enough Travis.

We worked hard moving things to the attic and covering everything up and moth proofing everything. It actually only took us about two and a half hours with everyone actually working together, and I was playing supervisor..nah I was working hard to, but had to tell them where to put everything. I was hungry and everyone else was as well my brothers were in class and Haley played hooky of course ;) So we all rode into town since I needed to get that faucet to change the one in my bathroom and low and behold but Travis was a licensed plummer of all things, so I decided to change out the tub to match ;) We went to Wendy's which everyone knows is not on my diet, but I had some sort of chicken and ranch sandwich with no fries and a water. Because, everyone was working for me I was going to pay, but Travis went to the restroom and came back out and some people were kind enough to let him up front with us. Then he pays for everything. I hate that everyone knows that, but I decided to remain cool about it. Then we went to Home Depot and I picked out my bath fixtures, plus the ceiling fan as well. Before we went back to my house I had them run my the florist where I ordered 3 sets of flowers for the vases at grave sites and one little spray to lie on top of my English Bull (General Lee's) grave back home on the property. The 3 sets were for Mama, Jason and my Aunt Patti, but I would need to do this on Saturday before I left for NC on Sunday morning.

It didn't take long for Travis to change the bath fixtures or for Ryan to change the ceiling fan out and it all looked good. We had accomplished a lot in what I thought I would not get finished before I left. The boys had done a good job at keeping up the pool, so we all went for a dip in the pool to cool off. Of course the girls had brought there clothes with them to get ready at my house since it was we were going out tonight. We had two more girls coming to join us Abby and my cousin Sierra, but they had to work today. Dylan was going to watch Madison for Haley, so everything was set.

By the time we left my house we were all a little hungry and wanted to eat before we started drinking so we went by Fox Bro's  Bar-B-Q which I personally love yum. After we ate we went to the Cosmopolitan Lounge to party. I really had a great time with the girls and I danced with a few guys, but I was ready to go home. But, as always Haley has to dance the night away. Abby hooked up with a guy which I hate, get his number leave with who you came with. That is so rude, but that's Abby bless her heart. After the club let out we went to the Waffle House to eat breakfast before going home and everyone was crashing at my house.

I had to get up the next day I had to go to the cemetery and I wanted to go by myself. My family had a get together Saturday afternoon so everyone could see me and we decided to have it at the farm since it could accommodate enough people. Everyone was bring dishes and buckets of KFC and deserts. It is so great that both sides of my family get along and we all love each other so I can have both sides in one place.
I knew I had better get up early so I could head for the cemeteries, before everyone started to show up. So I could hardly sleep that night not even the alcohol could help. I was up, showered and on my way before 10 am. I went and picked up the flowers I had ordered and so I went by mama and Aunt Patti's grave sites first since they were in the same place. True to there word Dylan and Dawson had put flowers out as they said they would for me. It was like coming home the reality of it all. I sat there and talked to each of them for a few minutes before removing the older flowers and replacing them with the new and then placing the old ones in the trunk of my car. Now I was off to Jason's grave site about 20 minutes across town. The thing was last time my brothers took flowers out to Jason on his Birthday there was already flowers there. So I had them take the flowers back to the florist and have her make a small spray out of the flowers I purchased. They took them back and this had the wires that you could stick in the ground. As I drove there I thought I may have to do the same thing again or if the flowers looked too ratty ask the Taylor's if I could change them and bring them over the old flowers? As I drove up I realized there were no flowers there how strange. So I called the Taylor's and no answer on the land line which someone is usually there. So I called Mitzi's phone and it said her mail box was full, then I called John's and he answered. Mitzi's had just under went a Double Mastectomy the day before, and was in the hospital. I was shocked, I was upset that they had not informed me. I asked, John about if it was okay if I filled Jason's vase with flowers, and he said yes. But when I leave here I need to go by the hospital while I am here. OMG I cannot believe this has happened.

This was the time and the place where I needed to talk to Jason, and beg him to stop invading my dreams. The place I needed to talk about us, but also tell him about his mama and what she was going through. I sat there looking at his name and the dates and in inscriptions on Jason's tomb stone. It was certainly a beautiful one I thought to myself, but the words would not come. To me saying the things I needed to say was like breaking up with him. So I started out Jason I know I haven't been here in well over a year, and I am so sorry about that. Then I said Jason your mama is in the hospital she was sick and had surgery yesterday, then the tears started coming. I said, baby she had cancer of the breast, but the doctors performed a Double Mastectomy on her yesterday and she is going to be okay. I leaned against his tombstone and I put my face to it still tracing his name with my finger. I thought you are not here Jason you are in heaven, but you can see me and hear me especially here. I burst out crying telling him everything. Everything that had bothered me since he passed, how I never admitted it but I should have been the one to die, about how I could not move on, but I wanted to. I needed to. Then a peace washed over me I am not knowing if it is God or Jason. I closed my eyes and I put my left hand. my palm inward over his name. I had brought the ring that he gave me and I was wearing it. I said, I was so looking forward to being Amber Taylor, and in my heart at times I feel I am. No we were not married, but you were my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life, my lover, but you Jason Aaron Taylor were my husband, and I was your wife. No piece of paper could change that or saying a few vows could make us anymore than what we were. But, your not here to hold me anymore, I can't touch you except in my mind. I can never set you free Jason, you have to do that I am not strong enough.

Just then I felt someone's hand on my shoulder and I look up into the eyes of a older lady I would say in her 70's. The lady said I am sorry if I scared you I should not have came over here, but I saw you so deep in your talk with your loved one. I said, "Yes Ma'am". She said can I ask who he was? So I tell her about Jason, well some of it anyway. She said, I am Mildred and my husband Walter is right over there on the next row. She asked if I had saw her, but I hadn't. She said, I don't usually bother anyone out here and you can ask me to leave if you want to. I said no ma'am you are fine. She said I met my Walter when I was 13 years old and he was 15 and we went to school together. (I had not told her anything about Jason and I meeting in Middle School) hmm She said, when I was 15 going on 16 I became pregnant with our Nancy. Then she said my daddy was so mad when he found out and then said "Back then they had shotgun weddings" ..and yeah that is what me and my Walter had sure enough. I said, Oh you were very young. She said, yes we were and youngin (talking to me) but we were in love and we had four children together I stayed home and was a house wife and he worked everyday didn't matter if he was sick or what he went in. We had such a happy life together and we were blessed. I said, Yes ma'ma you were. Then she said , but you know my Walter had a heart attack at work  and died at 52 years old. She said, you know I never remarried. She said, I know 50 sounds old to you, but I was still a young woman. She said I had gentleman ask me out on dates since the kids were all grown by then, but I loved my Walter. She said I mostly did it for the kids it would be hard bring someone around that was not there daddy. I said, Yes ma'ma I understand. Then she said, I saw you over here and you was crying and talking to I thought it may be your husband and I knew just how you feel and I still do. Then she said you know if I had it to do over again I would do it? I said, do what? She said, get married again. I said, you would? She said yes I would because I am alone now. I said, what about your children? She said, they all have lives of there own no time for a old woman. I said, I am sorry. She said I wished I would had grown old with someone, but I thought I was sacrificing for my children, but now I know the only one to lose out on life was me. Then she said, I better leave you to your Jason and head home now. Then she said, Youngin always follow your heart, your Jason is with God now just like my Walter and they are looking down and see us unhappy and because they love you they only want us happy. Remember that she said, as she pat me on the hand.

No the older lady was not a ghost she did not disappear , but walked around and got into her white newer model Cadillac, and she waved as she drove off. But, do I think she was a guardian angel sent by God? Yes, of course I do. Anyone can be a guardian angel..you or me it is who ever God chooses to use to help us or get a message to us. I kissed Jason's tombstone and and looked into the heavens and raised both hands and said "Thank you Jesus" I said, Jason I will always love you and I will be back to see you many more times in my lifetime so don't worry. For the first time I said Bye Jason. Everyone that knows me knows I say later and not bye since bye is so final. The final chapter has closed on Jason and I. I could say bye since I won't see him in this lifetime anyways. Good-Bye My Love.I went by the hospital for about 30 minutes and it was so good to see the Taylor's, but I know I don't hold the same place in there heart as I use to. I could just feel it (as if we were strangers).

I went by the grocery store on my way back home bought some deli items tubs of Potato salad, macaroni salad, baked beans, one of the nice Deli Cheese cakes and a Mr Edwards Key lime Pie. I know we have plenty of the tray plates from the pickin and grinnin back in July, so I pick up drinks and I am on my way to KFC. We am doing this since no one had time to cook anything. It was good to see everyone for sure. We had such a great time, spending some much needed time together. After we ate and talked awhile we were out on the porch for a jam session, Dawson has taken up the guitar and it was so great to see the shy twin open up and pick and sing a solo of a song he wrote. "Bravo".

 Then it started getting late and I had to get some sleep for the long ride tomorrow. As I headed off to my bedroom I thought to myself "This Is Home".

I really got a lot done this trip home yet I missed some people I really wanted to see, but next time when I can take a pleasure trip back home that will be a good time visit. Hopefully I will get some time off near the Holiday's. I left early the next morning and came back home and went straight to sleep I was give out. Now Here I am after 12am writing a blog.