From the very start, my inclination to write had always revolved around mostly one reason - that is to pen down the words that I don't usually speak. My inability to display my thoughts in a verbal context was always a shortcoming of mine, and writing serves quite well as an alternative channel that allows me to express at least a fraction of what goes on in the depths of my mind; It keeps me sane.
So, I write.
I have wrote for the past few years on this blog, but there have been others throughout the years. This blog was once named "A Extortionately Beautiful Life", but I changed it about 8 months ago. Since I changed the name to "The Soul Doctor" I have used my blog as my main form of expression. I had churned out a variety of diary-like posts for tracking purposes, random musings, travelogues, thinking bubbles that got stuck at the back of my head, quotes that inspired me, epiphanies that magically unraveled over a cup of tea, paragraphs about people that were of importance, and many more that I am unable to remember.
The bulk of my words not only attempts to reenact the exact moment of occurrence, it also describes the myriad of feelings that transpired in the process; my happiness, my sorrows, my love, my lost, my flaws, my humor, my journey to find the bits and pieces that make up life. To be able to do that; to empty out the contents of my brain and heart is absolutely exhilarating, I tell you.
But, after years of thriving in this alternative cycle, the words that I am inclined to write gradually dwindled, until one day, I stopped writing altogether.
Now comes the moment of answering why -
Partly, I acknowledged the shift in priorities that comes along with age, situations and the constant changes occurring every now and then. Conditions became unfavorable, more and more responsibilities took precedence, and the time I am allowed the privilege to fully dwell in my thoughts is close to a negative these days.
How is it possible to write when I am not even allowed the luxury to mull things over?
And then, comes the realization of the unforeseen consequences after displaying my thoughts to the minority of those I know, and the majority of those I don't. Because of the frequent activity in this space - my growing dependence to use this as means of communication and to get my message across - people have eventually come to use this form of expression as a gauge for myself, meaning that the contents of this blog is used as means of defining the whole of me, and not vice versa.
Although I originally write with innocent intentions, a sense of vulnerability and insecurity slowly manifests as I am unable to control the assumptions and the invasion of privacy that indirectly resulted from my public display of thoughts; A hefty price that I am unwilling to pay nowadays.
Dramatic cons aside, I am happy to share that in recent months, I actually got better at speaking my mind, thankfully. :)
It took quite a bit of effort on my side and endless knocks on the head by people who made it a life's mission to change this part of me, but I am actually starting to buy this whole 'speak-my-mind' shit that most people keep advocating nowadays. It was definitely tough when I started but, I'd like to think that the gradual change in my reclusive character has brought about more good than anything else!
I write this now, knowing that it is not because I feel the need to, but because I allowed myself to choose this option as means of expressing what I think and feel at this point of time.
Part of it is also due to sentimental reasons; To relive a past-time that used to be a constant in my daily activities.
It brings me joy to hear of people taking the time to read and to somewhat comprehend my words that could possibly make no sense, grammar that doesn't really make the cut, or thoughts that you may question how it stemmed to begin with.
Maybe, that was one of the reasons I chose to write today.
For you to just know.
