While Living On The Road
When I first started out on my journey alone I was at the end of the road, or so I felt once again. I had been there before several times in the past yet managed to find my way back into the light. When I left Maryland I had just returned home from Delaware and the nascar race at Dover. I was happy as I left the track and was returning home after a long weekend in the sun. I had just weeks earlier had a miscarriage I was only 9 weeks pregnant, but for the daddy I might as well had been 9 months and didn't care. I could grieve for a man for years but not a 9 week fetus that was my own flesh and blood. Don't get me wrong I am not a heartless bitch, but I was on the pill at the time I was pregnant and did not learn of the pregnancy until I began to hemorrhage. I felt very sorry that I lost the baby once I saw how upset my boyfriend was over our loss. Since I finished my residency I have wanted to enjoy myself, and live life to the fullest before I return to work. I so much needed this time off to clear my head and rest and relieve stress before returning to the job I love. Although, I had started getting into shape and body building my boyfriend blamed me and my work out for our loss. It seems that the people who claim to love us hurt us the most in life. They have the control that we give them and no more. The καρδιά, kardia (heart) is very complex as it does not control emotions or love or the way we love.
"Emotions are not connected to your heart. It is connected to the hypothalamus which is part of your brain. The heart is just a romantic man made symbol. Honestly, it just filters and pumps blood.The heart quickens because of a psychosomatic reaction. Visual cues interpreted by the brain releases chemicals/hormones that trigger physical reactions. Same thing pupils dilate when we see something attractive. So every emotion triggers and controls the release of chemicals and hormones. These are all controlled and stimulated by the brain.Even infatuation has a scientific explanation. It's all hormonal, oxytocin. It triggers responses akin to love, like the consuming desire to know and be with the object of affection. It's not love because we all know love is an action, not just an emotion. Scientists say chemicals behind infatuation only last a year at the most. After which we are all on our own to make the relationship work without the influence of love hormones"
Well once again I felt confused by what my boyfriend called love, and I felt all alone once again for yet a second time. It felt as though when he said those words to me about losing the baby that he had stabbed me through the heart with a 10 A blade scalpel. It hurt so bad I felt deathly sick and as we drove I sat there in silence as my tears fell and dried to my face. When we where back in Maryland and had started down the road we live on I put my hand on the door handle and though is was not far it felt like it was taking hours to get there. I did not unpack one item from his car, but ran to the bedroom and started packing. I simply started throwing a few items into a suitcase, grabbed my purse, toiletries and my makeup and I was off. We had put the dogs in a kennel for the weekend and it was closed this late on a Sunday night so I left without my dogs.
I set out aimlessly into the night with a heart that felt broken and my head plagued with a whirlwind of emotions. I had no clue of which way I was headed although I found myself headed South. At one point I pulled over at a rest area in W.Va with the doors locked and that is when I realized I didn't know where I was headed. I wasn't ready to return to Ga with my tail tucked between my legs having to explain why I was there and what had happened. I finally started driving again and then after hours behind the wheel pulled into a hotel as the sun was coming up.
lol Kid Arrested at a Atlanta Waffle House ;)
I checked into a hotel I was a little too early for the breakfast buffet so took my belongs into a room and went to a Waffle House I had saw on the sign for that exit. I needed sleep, but I wanted coffee so badly. It took me 10 minutes to decide on regular or decalf, but I decided I needed just a little Caffeine to do anything further even order my food. Once I had had a couple sips of my coffee I was able to place my order of scrambled eggs and wheat toast. As I sat there just listening to the waitresses talk I realized one of the three women had been divorced for years and had raised her children on her own and the other two had baby daddies and all the problems that went with title of baby mamas. I say this because that is the way the girls both in their late teens early twenties both white described themselves and there boyfriends. I felt a little bit better about my life and headed to my room to sleep.
I slept really well and then got up around noon and was trying to make heads or tails of where to go next, but then I thought of what set me out on this journey and I became sad again. I didn't feel like driving again so I drank my water and ate the apple I had chose from the buffet when I entered after returning from Waffle House. I showered, watched some TV and as always fell asleep watching a movie. I woke up again at 3 am and still didn't know where to go from here. Should I return to Baltimore? Should I call my boyfriend? I decided to do neither and returned to watching TV once again. The movie was on Lifetime and this girl was returning to her hometown and was staying with her Aunt.
It hit me that I had not been to my Aunt and Uncles in Kentucky in quite a while and I wanted to go see them. They have a farm in and so I felt right at home with chores to do. We put up 6 cases of preserves and jellies, and the food tasted better there for some reason. We went bowling and my cousin I stayed there a week and then decided I wanted to go to Nashville Tennessee.
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I enjoyed my trip to Tennessee although my boyfriend found me as if stalking me. I needed time to think and him there in the hotel gave me no time what so ever. I had tickets to the Opry and he didn't. I gave him a giant subtle hint before I left for the show "Please Be Gone When I get back". I had planned a lot of things while in Nashville such as sight seeing and bars with open mike and Karaoke. I wanted to do so much, but after I returned to the hotel after the show I thought it best if I fell off the grid for a little while before going home for the 4Th to be with my family. By the time I was ready to go home I had made my choice to leave my boyfriend. Yet, he was coming in for the 4TH and I need to act as if I had not made my decision until I was back in Baltimore and could plan to move out.
The thing was I did the best I could to make things turn out well back home in Stone Mountain Ga, it was our annual pickin & Grinin days on the farm. But, my boyfriend sensed that something wasn't right and kept calling me on it every chance he got. I had some girlfriends over and was hanging out with them and we even had girls night out. That night after we got back to my house my boyfriend woke me up asking me questions, but I had a combo of sleepiness and too much tequila. He is trying to wake me but I just want him to go away so I could sleep. My phone kept ringing and a friend answered it and it was my boyfriend he had my car keys and wallet and was leaving to head back to Baltimore right then. That woke me up and then he said he was going to kill my dogs and to come to meet him at the nearest store like 3 miles up the road. I ask my friend to take me to the store but in all honesty neither of us should be driving. The store was closed and it was dark but I saw him get out of the car stagger towards me and then asks "What you doing Amber" I said, it. I said it out loud for all the world to hear I am leaving your ass that is what I am doing and as soon as I get back to Baltimore I am getting my own place. He grabbed me by my hair and started slinging me around by the hand full he had in his hand. Then he gave me a uppercut and hits me in the eye and his ring cut my lip. I managed to break away and get in a couple of punches myself and kicked him hand in the balls. I went to his car and my stuff was lying in the front passenger seat and I grabbed them and ran. He sounded like he was upset crying and begged me to come there but I wouldn't.
I raced back to Baltimore as fast as I could, but he was already in the house and wouldn't let me in to get anything. He said, if I wanted to talk we could go eat and clear the air, but he hit me and pulled my hair fighting like a girl. I had to get a judge to grant me a order to get my stuff out in a hour, so thank God most of it was in storage already. I have been staying with a girlfriend in Baltimore while looking for places to rent and I found a 3 bedroom 2 and a half bath townhouse available the first week in August. I am going through with things although I am in St Pete Beach Fl with my ex-boyfriend as I write this. We already had this trip planned as our vacation together so here I am looking like a fool again. I really don't care what people think of me and this situation, because I am getting so much negative feedback already.
The first thing every morning rain or shine, no matter how I feel mentally or physically I first thank God for each new day and pray for the will to smile because someone must surely have it worse than me I tell myself. Since I lost my soul mate that it seems as though I will spend the rest of my life without ever truly being in love ever again. I once thought I was in love with someone I met online yet he moved on with life without me in it. But, that is all water under the bridge now and I am happy for him. I will be content being single and focusing on my family and career.
