One On One

One on one

Always in this crowded room.
But when I look into your eyes,
See your smile, experience your glow...

It's as if we are alone.

One on one.

My mind tends to create fantasies.
Imaging, perceiving...believing...
that we were before we are
and of what we could be, if we ever was...again.

My mind begins to spin

Picturing us...

One on one.

You see,
We go good together.
Like paper to pen.
Like the word soul to mate.
Hand in hand
Like destiny and fate.

Me, the root.
You, the tree.
Our creation, the fruit.
Our love, poetry.

It's limitless...

the things we could get done...together.

One on one.

Regardless of being read by everyone
It's like our own little inside joke,
That only we know.
I heard you when you spoke.
Now, I'm talking to you.
One day, we'll be like we were in that other lifetime.
You, GODs' beautiful lyric
And me, HIS rhyme.
We, are spoken word.
Creating life in every line.
As for now,
I'll just take it a lil bit
at a time...
And continue having fun
Until,
that day
That we are...

One on one.

Have you seen my heart?

It’s no where to be found
I've looked high, I've looked inside
I've searched the ground.
It’s no where around.

I keep telling myself,
“one day it’ll show up”,
“it’ll come back”,
“it’s not too late”.
I’m starting to realize…
It’s too late for all of that.

The blood that is in my veins
that once caused my heart to thump.
Now, flows into an abyss,
A bottomless pit
That the deepest cut could never fill up.

I try to tell myself to care,
Because maybe they do.
I attempt to believe that they need me.
But even a blind man can see
With all the years apart,
The void grew.

Plus, there’s the reliable,
The dependable,
The confidant
The new used to be you.

Whew…
Have you seen my heart?

I even tried to replace it with new, artificial means.
It’s a good strong heart,
Has good intentions,
But it doesn't stop the hope
And never-ending the dreams.

The loss I have.
The memories I console
The decisions and trades I made.
Have me less than whole.

Have you seen my heart?

Blood Diamonds

Rubies drip.
So precious, like diamonds & coal.
Streams & rivers of heat
Glistening, shining, burning from the soul
Emitting flames into the sky
Like burning black gold.

Taken for granted by many.
So desperately needed by few
Pierced, mined for, sought after
Oceans of souls nectar.
Wading through the water with a pan
Hoping for a match, the perfect nugget for two.

Easily transfused.
Used.
Abused.
Misused.
Diluted and polluted.

Our precious resource depleted.

Earths' blood.

This I Know

The things that you see.
The way that they act.
The truth lies beneath.
Look in between the lines to reveal the fact.

How could you know?
How could you tell?
You believe what you are told...
Thinking that is the truth as well.

See for yourself.
Ask for yourself.
When it comes to me,
there's so much more to be revealed.
I'm an internal woman with many scars on my heart...
with no one that can heal.
Not much is said, but much is felt.
This I know,
I AM TRUE TO SELF!

The Past

I'm not ashamed to say that I've been pained.
From the trials and tribulations I've been through.
Deepest scars of all were caused by you...J.
On you...was there a mark?
A scar?
A deep down missing place felt within your heart?
No.
Just an empty abyss, filled with joy and bliss.
A life of freedom, gained by lies...
all this due to minus you.
Yes. So God bless...you.
I have no regrets.
I don't wish to turn back.
I leave it and you...exactly where your at...
In the past.
No ill feelings harbored.
Nor vengeance desired.
You are what you say you are...
A Stormy Hill and I thank God for doing His will...
for quenching that fire, elevating me higher,
removing me from that situation for He knew I was tired.
I thank Him daily for what He has taken me from...
And allowed me to go through.
Only thing left is to legally not be attached to you.
You see, I not only know the truth,
but I walk in it too.
The truth of the matter is...
You had long since stopped loving me...
And I was too blind to stop loving you.
Now, you are almost free...to be all that you can be.
Only thing in the way... a signature.

Believe

Have you experienced life beyond dreams…
Pain beyond screams?
Beheld a plethora of emotions…
Only to realize none are as real as they seem?
Felt hot tears trailing down your face
As cold wind from crystal blue skies leaves dry salt tracks
As you reminisce of the last time you had a warm embrace.
Reoccurring thoughts plague the mind
Of the last time… you gazed into eyes that told the story of love…
Imagined in the heart, fantasized in the mind, lost in the past, and in the present, you desire to find.
Only to run it away, why… you say?
Fear of the unknown, better yet, fear of the returning of the painful decay…
Of releasing something so precious to you, not to receive anything in return…
Except for pain… pain that doesn't go away… pain that is not physically felt,
but mentally torments you day by day.
Self sabotage? Possibly.
Guarding, protecting your heart… most likely…
Not leaving much room left for trust.
Creating a strange predicament…
Wanting love, intimacy, a true relationship…
But without trust, the only thing you establish is lust.
Meaningless sex, mentally un-perplexed… unable to affect or infect the soul.
The effect of such… endless trials of trying to fill your emotional hole.
Again, I ask…
Have you experienced life beyond dreams?
Pain beyond screams?
Once you stop trying to protect yourself and let go.
Trust GOD.
He has provided you with more than you think…
And desires to give you more than you will ever need.
All you have to do is trust Him, let Him love you, and…
Believe.

Grace & Mercy

Oh precious moments of joy, laughter, and bliss.
Memories of old... love, prior to this sullen solace.
Entrenched in darkness, life seems so bleak.
I've become an alien to my spirit...succumbing to my sinful nature.
Rendering my soul unable to speak.
So when the evil temptations arise,
I find myself spiritually weak.

In the marriage of mind, body, spirit, and soul.
I have become a widow, fed by a carnal world, lies and stress.
Nothing of true value to possess... Just emptiness and regrets I console.
Left to oppress and be oppressed, in order to gain.
Only to never be fulfilled with true happiness and contentment.
Constantly seeking, but unable to obtain.

Evil spiritual forces know that I exist.
The darkness continually encroaches...
and in their un-heavenly schemes, they relentlessly persist.
It's as if,
they have peeked into my future and have considered me a threat.
The peace of mind,heart, and joy that I desire...
They don't want me to get.

Yet, I am aware... that in me... and... out there,
There is someone greater than me.
Whose strength can be found in my weakness,
and healing can be seen in my infirmity.
Who looks down on my situation with empathy.
Using what they plan for my destruction as vital instances,
the glue if you will, in creating the purposed, destined me.

So, what I'm going through is not exclusive to me.
All those who desire an exclusive relationship,
be it with a lover, brother, sister, mother, or a father who is heavenly...
will experience darkness, moments of trials and tribulation.
Even those who embrace the world experience throes by excluding themselves from His divination.

However, there will be a difference between them and me.
I submit all that I am to you, Lord, and all that I am to be. I can't do nothing without you.
Yet, I can overcome everything with you. I thank you in advance for the deliverance...
and for your unfailing grace and mercy.

His Child

Whether it be in the dark of the night…
Or the light by day.
Through the snickers, mockery, sneers, and jeers…
Or whatever ridicule that others may say.
Even when my circumstances seem less than favorable
And all my finances seem to disappear.
Until that day that my body begins to decay,
I will continue to praise and give glory to His holy and righteous name.
For He is the Author and Finisher of everything and His word will never change.
Against all odds…
I was created.
Not only to go through, but to overcome.
Not only to subdue, but to lead… like the righteous one.
His Son.
Against all odds…
In spite of the world.
In spite of man.
In spite of the norm.
In spite of the obstacles.
I stand.
I am and was created with a purpose.
Masterfully designed by the one and only God, I Am.
I am success.
I am joy.
I am love.
I am blessed.
Demons shutter upon my arrival, because of the spirit I employ.
When I open my mouth, thoughts of doubt, I destroy.
Yes, I am a child of God.
This I believe and I know is true.
Be blessed and walk in your authority;
for, you are a child of God too.

Prayer

Time can only tell
What the future may hold.
I've given all that I can.
So now, unto you, I heed all control.
It says in your word...
"I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect".
Yet, I've stumbled, fell, and have been less than perfect on this stroll.
Give me the strength to endure
to overcome the mistakes of my past.
The power to maintain with due diligence on this road.
And the wisdom to be thankful for what I have.

The mistakes have been mine.
Thinking that you needed my help.
However, now I realize that I can in no way do this by myself.
So, I surrender my will and all that I may think is right.
I rest in your love
And pray that you supply me with the mind of Christ.

I see now, that your way I don't fully understand,
But I trust and have faith that you... for my life, have a plan.
Therefore, I challenge you in this...
My life, my steps, and my breath...
for Your will, Your way... On Your word I stand.

I remove me, praying that the best for my life...
is Your plan.

I pray that this will not be living in vain.
I tried my way and went from bad to worst.
So, I surrender to you, that you will bless me and break this curse.

Amen.

Wilmount Plantation

It's been here for years.
Solemn existence, dilapidated walls,and unmanned fields.
House with only two patrons and cat squeals.
There Ms. Cadsbury lives with her butler Bugsbee tending to her needs.
Along comes a man, Hugh, with a plan...
to restore what majesty the Wilmount Plantation once obtained,
At least he believed.

Ms. Cadsbury not only produced, but indulged in her own sour mash.
Listening to her visitors' desires, she told him,
"why don't you go start at that old barn out back".
She had been avoided looking at him,
But as he knelt down by her side, they shared gaze.
at which time he said, "you have beautiful green eyes".
She gave him an askew grin.
Happy to have a young man grace her presence once more.
Then, he got up and made his way outside.
Moving towards that old barn, occasionally looking back now and again.

The old barn was not only a barn,
It was an old slave quarters, shared by the slaves and horses.
Beds, made of hay for the slaves,
which at times was eaten by the horses in the stalls.
Underneath the barn, much larger than a crawlspace, was a place
where the studs and sometimes the master would produce more spawn.
By raping, taking, and breaking down a family structure
to build up workers for the field.
This is what their wealth was built on.

As Hugh went into this room,
he could see that cats had thoroughly taken over.
They didn't even run away as he got closer.
He could feel their eyes following his every move.
He became highly uncomfortable and constantly was looking over his shoulder.
Watching his every step and covering his nose from the terrible stench.
He reached down to grab what looked like a letter, possibly from a slave or a main house resident.
Only to receive a frightening scratch from a cat.
Then, a myriad of cat cries as he tried to make his way outside, he tripped over a pair of fetters and nearly broke down the fence.
He knew that his work was cut out for him
and this would be far from quick.

"Forgive me, my good sir, a little help if you don't mind",
Mr. Bugsbee said while standing on a ladder attempting to cut away a branch
from the newly constructed telephone poles' power line.
"Not a problem. Did you know that that barn was overrun with cats?"
Hugh responded, while rubbing his hand and grimacing as he looked back.
"Oddly enough, I'm forbidden to travel in there."

Working together the pair caused a branch to crash to the ground.
Alerting Ms.Cadsbury, causing her to come to the door and investigate the sound.

To be continued...

No Detour

Dark moon rising,the twinkle of the night is the only light shining.
Cold careless whispers, evil thoughts defining.
Searching for solace, unable to find it, the mind continues pining.
Wanting, hoping, praying for...
Peace, purpose, direction, fulfillment, something more...
Than this bare existence that I've been plagued to explore.

Yet, there's no detour.

Surprisingly new, clouds span the sky with a crimson hew.
Yesterday, gone. Last night, faded away.
Blessed to be refreshed, like the grass is with the morning dew.
And still, on this path I remain... I stay.

There's no detour ahead.

On this path I stroll,
with no one to console.
Tribulation, pain, and strife attacks my being as a whole.
Wanting relief, a focus, something to distract my soul.
Yet, my burden, my yoke is my lesson...to achieving my goal.

I choose not to turn.
I pray that my soul doesn't burn.
and that... my heart doesn't grow cold.
So many unanswered prayers thru closed clenched eyes I stare...
at my future, at my journey, while being tormented by my past.
Therefore, there's...

No detour ahead.

Only with Gods' help will I last.

Love Has Many Names

What can I give or offer to express how proud I am?

Diamonds, rubies, gold, treasures from a far off land?

None seem to encompass the feelings I hold.

Yet, what I feel can not be bought or sold.

Many have tried to attain it.

Some even abused it.

Some got used to it and its passion grew old.

And still it remains.

Free from the chains.

What is it called?

My heart, my word, my love? It has many names.

And all that it is...

I give it to you.

I ask for nothing in return.

Only that you keep doing what you do.

You... are the spark that was illuminated when I was in the dark.

This trip thought to be forever, a journey in bliss together, but only

for the true-ness of life to be revealed. Life is real, not ideal.

You give me joy and this is what I try to give to you.

So,

what can I give or offer to express how proud I am?

My heart?

You are my words in action. Everything I ever dreamed to be. You show me who

I am.

My love?

Planted by God, all according to his plan. For, when I thought that there was

no love to give... You are the reminder of how wrong I am.

And this is my word from the depths of my soul,

I love you with all my heart.

Not for what you have or what you do.

Simply for the soul that you obtain and just being you.

I Wonder

Aching heart and dear spiteful mind
Charmed by hope and hope hopefully blind
Wishing for, dreaming of, aspiring to attain
that which can't be grasped due to its thorns
and immeasurable pain
Is there one that will love me?
In spite of all my flaws
Unconditionally so... keep my heart in awe.
Just a trick of the mind
Truth revealed in time
Death is the only thing that is sure
The only thing that I can claim as mine.
Mysteries of the unknown
and the powers that be
To the God that created it all
what is the purpose that you have set forth for me?
Simple pain and a memory full of regrets
Misery and sorrow, a life of emptiness and complexities
glimpses of joy stolen and death to be cherished?

I wonder.

And what is this desire you have placed in my heart?
Desiring to do your will...
grow closer to you...
altruistic behavior...
and yet,created in flesh
and placed in a world where the opposite is true.

To desire love so much
only to be appeased by the deceiving nature of lust.
Living a life of honesty in a world of lies
where the deceivers prosper and the wicked are the ones they trust.
It's an oxymoron of sorts
To move in the spirit, but live in the flesh.
To be seen as an outcast when I'm giving you my best.

I wonder.

However, another day I'm alive,
so unto I submit my will;
for,this must be according to your plan.
I just pray that your will be done...
Have mercy...
Kill the pain, sadness, sorrow, and loneliness
in this woman.

American Winter (A MUST READ)

As I came in from Easter Brunch I cut on the TV and an HBO Documentary was just starting, so I sat down to watch, and I found myself feeling these peoples pain. This documentary put a different twist to the dynamics of needy and gave new faces to the cause of the homeless. These are people who speak of the American Dream and for years were living just that. They were not wealthy, but some were blue collar workers and some white collar workers, but with one thing in common they were the middle class.     

The faces you are about to see are the faces you would expect to see on pubic assistance, food stamps etc. Each of these people worked hard to provide for there families and are very prideful people. They themselves spoke of how they thought only the needy should qualify for assistance and thought too many people misused the system as all of us has said this same thing before. But, yet when these people were laid off of jobs some making over 100,000 a year or more they found they were 3 to 5 pay checks from living on the street. Some had severance and along with unemployment stayed afloat for a while, but then there unemployment benefits ran out they still could not find work. 

Overview: As the economy slowly recovers from the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, an increasing number of families are caught in a daily struggle to meet basic needs. At the same time, the social safety net intended to help those in crisis has been weakened by budget cuts, creating a perfect storm of greater need and fewer resources for the vulnerable. Viewed through the stories of eight families, AMERICAN WINTER reveals the devastating fallout of the mortgage meltdown, unemployment, the health care crisis and a shrinking social safety net. Included in the film are interviews with local economic experts, policy analysts, religious leaders and social workers.

Some were told that were over qualified for the positions they were seeking. John the 50 year old was actually informed that he was too old for the position since some of his co-worker had landed jobs with a company, but they were younger than John. John has a Down Syndrome son Geral that he has to care for and is doing everything to keep his farm do that Geral will not have to move into a new environment with different surroundings that would be hard for Geral to adapt to. Diedre a RN could not get the nurses aid job she applied for because they said she was over qualified.  Then there is Shanon & Chelsea and Chelsea is 12 years old with stomach ulcers worried about money and how her mother will pay her medical bills since her mom worked, but had no insurance and made too much money to qualify for medicaid. Most of these people have been laid off from big corporations and went to work at 3 minimum wage jobs just trying to make ends meet. 

It is so sad when you see people just trying to get a leg up and every time they get up there is something else to bring them back down. I had talked of "Corporate America" the other day when I was speaking of my moms job in banking working in mergers and acquisitions. My mom actually worked on bank mergers and was very good at it. When my mom started she had a CPA but in today's world one would have to have a MBA, because it is a whole new ball game and the players are different. My mom never had to witness buyouts "Thank God" 

     

The Families

TJ &Tara -After TJ gets laid off from his job, he and his wife Tara struggle to provide for their three children on her minimum wage income.  Forced to choose between paying their mortgage or electricity bill, the family recalls what it is like to have no lights and no heat in the middle of winter.  

John & Geral – 50-year-old John is now facing a third year of unemployment and despairs that he’ll soon lose his ranch, Growing discouraged with his fruitless job hunt, John must also cope with feelings of shame when he is forced to apply for food stamps in order to feed himself and his 10-year-old son Geral, who has Downs Syndrome.

Brandon & Pam – With Brandon frustrated by a series of close calls on the job front, Pam is forced to go with her two young sons to a women’s shelter to get assistance with basic provisions. Unable to pay rent, the family moves into Pam’s mother’s two-bedroom apartment. 

Diedre & Jalean– Though college-educated RN, Diedre was laid off from her job along with 1500 other employees during the Recession, and has turned to donating plasma and selling scrap metal to make ends meet for her family of five. 

Ben & Paula – After working at the credit branch of a car company, Ben was laid off and quickly fell behind on the mortgage to the distress of his wife and kids. As the family copes with the trauma of losing their home to foreclosure, they also find themselves struggling to pay for basics.

Shanon & Chelsea– A single mother, Shanon got into debt because her 12-year-old daughter suffers from a stomach condition requiring hospitalization, causing her to miss 3 months of work.  Hit with expensive medical bills that her insurance company will not cover, Shanon is now struggling to pay the rent.

Mike & Heather – Mike, Heather and their three children are left without water, electricity or heat, and have turned to a generous neighbor to run an extension cord from his garage. Completely demoralized, Mike finds he can’t even afford gas to go and look for a job.

Jeannette and Gunner – When Jeannette’s husband died recently, she and her 11-year-old son Gunner were left to fend for themselves. Unable to keep their home, they slept in a garage and in their car before ending up in a shelter. 

Expectations: I’m not quite sure how to take this one. My expectations are pretty high for like everyone else, I know stories from my own community of the hardships people have endured over the past few years. Can this documentary show me something different that I haven’t already heard? But, why should I doubt that it shouldn't be able to offer something different. First, it comes to me via HBO and their top-notch documentaries rarely totally disappoint. Plus, my first person perspective is from a small rural community and not even from a mid-sized city let alone a major city like Portland Oregon. I suspect I am going to see how really bad it is out there.

We're at a crossroads as a country. We are either going to decide that we need a strong middle class and a viable safety net, or we are going to continue the trend towards rising poverty, shrinking wages, cutting budgets and services, a disappearing middle class, and the democratization of all those who find themselves in need of social services.  GET INVOLVED and help American Winter impact communities across the country and at all levels of government.  Together we can galvanize a movement for positive change!