The Truth Can Hurt, But Not As Much As A Lie

As anyone that reads this can tell I disable my comments, and I have not posted any blogs on facebook to share in months. I tell myself the person that I hope reads this will know how much they hurt me. Not just the one person, but both of them. I do not have it in me to harbor resentment, so I really wish them the best. I have really debated writing this story, because if I write it I give them the satisfaction of knowing I still think about what happened and how much I was hurt.. 

I feel I really must write this story, so I can let go of it finally and move on with my life. I know that some would think it funny since it is about someone I met online a very long time ago. To really make a long story short I still have to start in the beginning, but I will try to keep it as brief as I possibly can. 

I lost my mom and fiancee within a short period of time and I was devastated. I felt so alone in my house where I grew-up. Although, I love everything about my home, it was so big and yet the walls still seemed to close in on me. I loved these two people with every fiber of my being and there memories remained within the rooms of the house. I could not eat, sleep and I was on leave from work yet I needed to return as soon as possible. My dad was living in the mid west and had a new life and family. I would never intrude upon people, but I felt drawn to moving and being close so that I could be near my dad and brothers. My brothers were growing up, but at this time I had only been around them the times that I would visit and they were babies then. We may see each other a few days in the Summer if that. I felt a need to be near them and pursuing a real brother/sister/family relationship. Many things were said by my step mother to make me feel as if I was intruding once I moved there. It was not like when I was a kid and she acted nice because she knew I would be gone soon enough, but now was different because I was grown and spending more time in her household. My stepmother made it hard for me and the total lack of respect for me just seemed to fuel the fire. I was not one to cause problems, and so I kept this in and said nothing to my dad. 

Then the day came when I was in a auto accident and had broken my right foot. My daddy insisted I go to his house to recover, but if I said no my feelings for my step mom would come out. I couldn't tell him no that was all there was to it. It was terrible to endure my step mom and I was not at all feeling well. I had been having disabling headaches from the time I had my accident. One morning I could hear them talking and I had just woke up my dad was getting ready to leave for work and was out the door when I stepped in the kitchen to grab a bottled water because the pain pills made me so very thirsty. My step mom just went off on me saying things like my daddy was hers and not mine and it was about time I knew it. (this remark was so crude as if there was incest between us) which was certainly not the case. I was just daddy's baby girl and nothing more. These remarks made me very angry and it was the first time ever that screamed back at her. I was on crutches and she push me and I fell, but used the crutches to get up and I for once in my life pushed back. She was saying very ugly things to me, when daddy returned because he had forgot his wallet.  All the things I hid from daddy was now out and he was taking up for me and her telling me I was not welcome there and when would I get it through my thick head. My daddy and her began to fuss and that is when I went back to the room I was in and started packing to return home. Daddy came into the room to check on me and that is when I insisted on leaving right then. My dad called his work and informed them that he was going to late and he took me back to my apartment right then.

A couple of weeks before my accident I had met a man online, because of a well meaning friend that took it upon herself to place a profile for me in Yahoo personals without my permission. She was very concerned for me because I only worked and returned home and sat there day in and day out. She was telling me I needed to move on from my losses because it was not healthy for me and I was still so young and should be having fun. When emails started coming in she she came over and revealed what she had done and was like this one is hot I like him, but I wanted nothing to do with it. She placed my email and profile names and passwords on a paper I had on my desk and left.

Then one night late I came in from work I was curious, and I opened the page up and started going through the hundreds of email. I decided instead of looking at pictures to read the emails and it had a like button that would save the persons page so you could find it again. I started reading them with a clear head and yes if there was someone I was not attracted to I would delete them right away. Then there were emails where the guys would just say hello=delete, and the ones that read you are hot=delete. In all the hundreds of emails only 3 at that time stood out to me and I saved the emails. These guys had wrote a paragraph or more and asked that I respond to them if I was interested. I ran out time that night and preceded to read the rest the next night. If I had of just clicked the page once more I would have saw this guy and read his email that first night, but that night as I read his email my mind preceded to think good things happen to those who wait. 

I read everything on his profile before I open the email and I was very interested him. It was apparent that he took a lot of time to set up his profile which shows he was there in the personals for all the right reasons. Then I went back and I opened his email, and it was a very obvious that he showed a great deal of interest in me and the email its self was eloquently written. I had to talk to this guy! I had to get to know him! I was very smitten with him.  I wanted to know this guy. 

I sit there wondering what to write back and I wanted it to be perfect. I went from a grieving widow to a school girl with my very first crush on a guy that night.. I wrote a email back although I cannot remember what I said, but still to this day I can remember the words that he wrote to me.

Then finally we talked and he was everything I had thought him to be. We started that night and talked about everything under the sun for months. We talked about our hopes and dreams, what we wanted out of life, marriage, children and even naming our kids. Even after I was in my car accident I would suffer the pain of my headaches just to be with him. Then the time came when I was diagnosed with a brain stem/ spinal cord injury and had to have surgery. I wanted him there, but he never came only a email saying good-bye. I didn't hear anything from him in years and then we became facebook friends 2 years ago, but I knew he was in relationship with a woman and I was his friend only. I had years earlier put this man on a pedestal that he stayed on for years.

While in the hospital those years ago I received a email telling me why he could not come to the hospital and meet me, and that he would not meet me now because what if I could never walk again?. That if he came here he would be with me only though pity and that was no way for either of us to live. At least I thought he wrote it at the time, but I understood. His rejecting me gave me the will to show him I was going to be alright and I worked hard to recover. I never blamed him and I am a very forgiving person. I believed he had done what was best for himself at the time and I would have never wanted to be with him if I was a invalid. But, by the time I was completely well he had moved on to another woman.

Then months ago we talked and he convinced me that my dad and a friend of mine had written those emails his and mine saying I was breaking up with him.I did go to my dad and to my friend trying to find out if this was true and my dad owned up to it. I felt so relieved that this man I had loved all these years had not rejected me at the time I needed him most but was lied to also. Even though, he never came to be with me this man was still sitting high on the pedestal I had put him on. I trusted him with my life.

I knew he had someone and we could never be together, but as long as this dear sweet man was happy I would be happy for him. Then he started to tell me that he and the girlfriend had split and she was living some where else. He did not get along with her children and she would not make them mind. They had destroyed many large ticket items of his. He said, we could be together and was going to come to finally meet me. He then told who I thought was his ex about me and coming here to meet me.He told her he loved me and had never gotten over me. All the while he was telling me he loved me and reassuring me of what a beautiful life we would have together.

Then the ex started emailing me saying it was not so and really calling this guy out as a liar. I realize she was very hurt by him when she said these things. It angered me that he had hurt me with planning a life with me while still with her. I took up for her and we started talking and I thought were becoming friends, since he would not talk with either of us. For the longest time we had no idea what he wanted. I was so shocked that he would lie to me someone he said he loved. I lashed out something out of character for me, but I kept telling myself he knows I have been hurt enough in life so why hurt me? I suppose he never knew it but I would have died for him I loved him that much.

I know that he says that he cannot hurt the person he claimed not to be with anymore, but if he truly loved her I would not even had been a glint in his eye, He would had been able to had been friends with me without ever hitting on me and promising me things that he could never deliver on. I have tried so hard to forget him. I have tried to hate him, but I can't. I still to this day have why's running through head. I still try to understand his reasoning but it does not make sense. I guess it never will.

I have dated this makes two men since this happened, and I have not been able to be intimate with either. For one brief moment I thought my life made sense and I had exactly what I wanted. But, people have a way of destroying all your hopes and dreams and leaving you to pick up the pieces of your life. How could this have happened? Why me? What did I ever do for someone to set out to deliberately hurt me this way? I will never understand and I will never forget this or him.