No Baggage Here

One of the hardest things to ever do is let go of any baggage that we feel we might have.  It can be hard to shake those voices in our head that say there is something wrong with us or that there is something in our history to be ashamed of.  We've all had to be face to face with shame.  And anyone who has ever worked through it would probably say it's one of the most empowering things they've ever done. 

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Recently, as I've been learning about emotions, I realized my study was connected with the monumental topic of vulnerability. (Light bulb!)  I was a shy, sensitive child who grew up in an environment where I did not learn to feel emotionally safe.  I finally realized over the last couple of weeks what that feeling is and why I've been closed off both to being vulnerable within myself and vulnerable with other people. 

I started looking back at why I have felt so unsafe so much of the time.  All of my usual insecurities came back: will people like me, am I completely unhealthy, do I have what it takes to create healthy relationships, will I pass my baggage onto my children, can I be strong enough, whole enough, likable enough, good enough for...whatever? 

Then, in another flash of light, I realized I am not my baggage.  Unsafe and unworthy is baggage I have carried with me, but it is not me.  I began to separate the labels and I looked around at my life with new eyes.  Doing that allowed me to answer those questions, drop my baggage, and step away from it.  I feel whole and empowered.  I know who I am.  I am a daughter of God, with beauty, strength, ability, and value.  I can be the best I can be right now, and that is enough.  In fact, it is better than I thought it was.

In Love Or In Love With The Idea Of Love?

To my dear readers - are you in a relationship and feeling some agony about it in your gut, yet at the same time feeling like you are "in love" and feeling "love" for this partner?  CONFUSING, right?  Are you in love with someone who actually would not impress you if you stepped back and watched him/her from the sidelines in their lives?  Are you in love with someone, yet in your gut, you have a nagging feeling that this isn't the best decision to be with this person?  If so...

consider the idea that you might be "in love with the idea of being in love."

I hope this makes sense.  And if you think this could be you, know that you certainly are not alone.  I've talked to so many women who have been there.  In fact, we've probably all been there at least once.

Here are two things that I think contribute to this problem...

1.  LOW SELF-WORTH.

2.  SEX.  (yep)

Let me explain... :)

1.  LOW SELF WORTH.
This is the easy one.  ha.  Self-worth is soooo crucial in dating.  Oh my goodness.  Please, please...if you are struggling with this, tackle it head on.  Try to overcome this.  It will help you tremendously as you date and try to decide who to marry one day.  Without self worth, it's easy to feel a little desperate.  It's easy to look past major red flags in a relationship simply because you want so desperately to be loved.  Without self-worth, it's easy to get yourself into some pickles.  It's easy to stay in a relationship for all the wrong reasons.  It's easy to latch on to anyone who throws you a bone.  It's easy to think that you won't be WHOLE until you find a partner or a spouse.  It's easy to feel as though finding a partner is the only thing that matters, and that life is really in a holding pattern until you meet "the one" who will make everything feel complete.  I hope you can see how detrimental this can be in a relationship.  Someone with low self-worth often demands that their partner make them whole; they rely on someone else to provide them with happiness.  Oh dear.  This thinking is NOT HEALTHY.  This will not lead to a healthy relationship.  This will lead to one big roller coaster.

If you feel your self-worth really could use a boost, there is hope for you!  :)  And I think feeling this way is really quite normal, actually.  But...PLEASE CHOOSE TO IMPROVE!  :)  There are so many things you can do!  Here are some ideas to get you started, though I am sure there are many more (if you have anything to add, please leave it in the comments!)

• Find a professional you can connect with who can walk you through overcoming this (keep shopping around for a good fit, if necessary!)

• Ask someone you already know and respect to coach you.  A self-worth mentor!  Why not?

• Go find a church or a supportive community!  Churches can be amazing in helping people to understand their value.  The church has been instrumental in helping me to develop my self-worth.  Though there are certainly so many organizations that could help in this area.  I recommend finding one!  :)

• Speak with a spiritual leader or healer.  To me, healing on a spiritual level can bring about the most powerful changes I've ever seen in people of all faiths and belief systems.

• Get some exercise.  This can do wonders!!

• Get a Dr. check-up - make sure your hormones, Vitamin D levels, thyroid and other triggers are in check.  Physical imbalances can make you feel down about yourself and your life.  You can help the situation a lot by maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

• Do activities that make you feel positively about yourself.  Serve others.  Find a hobby.  Play an instrument.  Do something daring.

• Become a seeker.  Try to figure this out.  Read books by experts like Brene Brown & Eckart Tolle.  Talk to friends.  Take classes.  Search philosophy and scripture. 

• Replace the negative script in your head with a more positive script until those positive words become your belief system.  

2.  SEX.  

OK, I think sex plays a huge part in getting addicted to "love".  You see, sex creates a powerful bond between two people; it DOES create a desire to be with someone.  In fact, that's why it's so dang amazing for a husband and wife to have it in their marriage.  :)  There are few things more powerful than sex.  BUT, when two people who are unmarried and who are still trying to figure out who and when to marry and how to make the best decisions for their lives.....sex can really, really muddy the decision making process; it can make your brain go to mush.  You see, sex creates feelings of love, safety, security, desire and bonding.  But it can create those same feelings EVEN IF you are with someone who you know deep down is not a good match for you.  In other words, you could become bonded with the wrong person, with a jerk, with someone who is not ready for marriage, with someone who is not treating you well.  You may not even be on the same page in life at all!  Yet sex can bond you and make you feel enhanced feelings of being "in love" with each other.  Talk about getting yourself stuck in a difficult and confusing situation.  Some may think I'm old fashioned on this, but I believe in empowering women (and men) before they get married, when at all possible.  I think if you remove sex from the equation, it leads to less long-term roller coaster relationships that should have ended a long time ago.  It leads to less devastating, heart wrenching, messy break ups that can feel like a divorce.  Instead, it provides an opportunity for people to think more clearly and therefore make better decisions regarding marriage.  And because of that, I'm all for it!   

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I'd love to hear your thoughts! Do you think I'm off my rocker?  Spot on?  :)

And, do you think you've ever been in a relationship because you were addicted to "love"?  Any wisdom or thoughts to pass along?

My Job as a Pediatrician

Ever wonder what your pediatrician does all day? Ever wonder why you sometimes have to wait to be seen (or, in my case, many times)? Doesn't she just spend 8 hours a day at the office and then go home? Why does she sometimes seem a little tired? How can she be tired if she only works 4 to 5 days a week in the office?

If you have ever wondered about those things, I am going to give you a peek into what my typical work day looks like.

4:00 a.m. – Get up and get ready for the day. (If I am really disciplined, I will get up at 3:00 or 3:30 so I can exercise.)

5:45 – Leave for the hospital

6:05 – Arrive at first hospital, make rounds in newborn nursery, then move on to the pediatric ward to round on inpatients.

7:00 – Leave first hospital and go to second hospital. Repeat the above.

8:45 – Leave second hospital and drive to office.

Note: I do not always have patients at both nurseries and both pediatric wards. I do often have to go to both hospitals, though. If I don’t have patients at both hospitals, I go get some coffee and spend some quiet time before the office.

9:00 – Arrive at the office to start the office day. I am usually met with multiple questions that relate to patients who might need to come in immediately but don’t want to, or who must have this form now or they won’t be able to go to football practice (but they didn't bring it in until this morning), or I find out that a staff member won’t be at work today because they are sick or something urgent happened. Or, if it is winter, “The schedule is full already, where do you want to add sick patients?”.

9:05 – Start seeing morning patients. I will generally see an average of 4 patients per hour. In winter I may see 6 per hour. In summer, I may see 3 per hour, depending on the type of visits. Between patients, I am usually greeted with more questions about where to fit someone in, presented with more forms to sign, forced to be cordial to the drug rep who is bringing in the samples that we need and has her boss with her, have to call back to the hospital about a patient, or have to argue with an insurance company about approving the MRI that our patient desperately needs to prove she does not have a brain tumor or spinal injury.

Along the way, I do have the great privilege of conversing and playing with lots of fun little kids while making the best medical decisions for them that I am able. The relationship with the kids and their parents is what makes all the other hassles worthwhile.

1:30 – I finish my “morning” after 7 1/2 hours of work. I then move on to my lunch “hour”, which is usually less than 30 minutes and is spent reviewing labs, returning phone calls, and signing forms while shoveling in whatever I happen to have available for lunch that day.

2:00 – I start the afternoon and do more of what I did from 9:00-1:30. The after school phone calls begin and we work to try to fit in those kids who got picked up from school sick. If our schedule for the afternoon is already full, we usually add those kids on anyway and stay late to see them, unless I have a firm evening commitment that requires me to leave by a certain time. Right before closing is when the asthmatic in severe respiratory distress walks in and must be urgently treated in the office while arranging for admission to the pediatric ward.

5:00-7:00 – I will finish seeing patients somewhere between 5:00 and 7:00, depending on the time of year and day of the week. Once all patients have left the office, I will usually still be at the office for another hour or two finishing documentation and making phone calls. If I admitted someone, I will also dictate the admission note and follow up on any admission orders that I have done.

6:00-8:30 –  I  finally make it to the gym work out if I do not get stuck returning to the hospital for something. It has been sometimes 11pm to 12am before I can get home at night. 

So there you have it. A typical pediatric work day for me. Some pediatricians will work longer hours than I work. Some will work fewer days and fewer hours than I do. Most will have a similar set of responsibilities that they must somehow manage while seeing patients in the office, making the right medical decisions, and not getting too far behind schedule.

Despite how hectic things can sometimes be, I am glad to be a pediatrician and I don’t know what else I would do with my life. 

"A Girl Like Me"

It has been awhile since I blogged and yet I have needed to vent about life. I am a open book due to the advice of a therapist after losing both my mom and fiancee within a short period of time. I was just talking to a friend that I have known for ten years now. Wow doesn't time fly? It seems as though I have known this person forever, although we have never met there is a bond there that will surpass the hands of time. We had talked about me feeling as though my life is at a stand still as though I am just waiting to finish my fellowship to move on with a new phase in my life.  

I find that I want to love again, but I want things to be right when I do. I know there is no perfect time that I need to live for the here and now, and leave my past where it belongs in my past. Yet, I have held on to a love that is gone for far to long. I realize that although, I try to be a good person I don't make it easy for people to love me. I still shut people out and I am good at it. I want so bad to let someone in and share my life with them, but when I start to have feelings for them I shut them out as to not place my pain upon them. 

I heard a song the other day for the first time due to working so much I never have the time to listen to the radio or music channels on TV and I have "Sirius Music Radio" The song is "A Girl Like Me" By Miranda Lambert. This song is me, exactly. 

I still feel pain everyday and the only man I ever heart loved is gone from me forever, so I ask myself why try?

Why try to have something that will never be the same and hurt someone in the process? I have been hurt and therefore I do not want to cause someone pain if I don't have it in me to love them as they need to be loved. I want to give as good as I get and be able to love someone unconditionally and without doubts. But, life and love is complicated ......

"With A Girl Like Me" 

Walking Away and Moving On

Life the past few months have been unbearable for me. There is no explaining what happen or why, but it was. I was devastated and had no way to solve the problem and I tried to distance myself from it, but it was always there like a bad cold. I needed answers that never came until today. The outcome was simple, it hurt but I know now where I stand and I now have one foot from standing on higher ground. I am thankful that I have been freed from this torment with a few simple words that to some may mean nothing, but to me meant everything. 

Funny how you can have two people that know each other well, but they do not know what to say when it is all over. It meant nothing really on there part but to me it meant everything. I was stuck in limbo, and they held all the cards to my survival but could not comprehend that they held all the answers. Life is complicated enough without making it harder for someone else. I did forgive as I should and I am moving on.

Funny how you can truly love someone and they cannot love you back in the same way. I am told I can move on and have anyone I want but I can't because they are either dead or taken. Yes, I was dumped the person everyone claims can have anyone they want was dumped. I am not saying this out of bitterness, but I am tired of people telling me what I can or cannot have because I can't and never could. Everyone thinks life is simple for me, but it's not. No one ever sees me from the inside out only from the outside my appearance. 

If only someone could see the woman that I am inside. 

If Only

If only everyone in the world was as you thought they were. If only everyone in the world lived up to how you truly saw them. If only the good that you saw in a particular person was really there. If only there was true love in the world. If only there was a love so true that if someone truly loved you, they would protect you and your feelings at all cost. For you see I loved someone this way and not so very long ago. 

I  was there for them. I was waiting. I was devoted to them, but I had no clue what it was they wanted. This person had made me open my heart to them. This person gave me a reason to believe in love again, yet they ripped my heart from my chest in the end. 

There never was a sorry, a guilty conscience or an explanation as to why they felt a need to destroy me. Yes, this person made me angry. Yes, I lashed out in a rage so fierce it still scares me today. I have never been this way in my life. I wanted this person so badly and they just threw me away like yesterday's trash. 

There has not been a day that has went by since this happened that I don't ask myself "Why?" I wonder what I did to deserve this? 

If Only,

 I Knew

Trusting Others

Every single person in your entire life will, at some point or another, disappoint you.

This is inevitable. No one is perfect. No one is capable of reading your mind. No one is 100% capable of meeting every need you have, at every moment you have them. We know this, because you are not perfect. You are not capable of reading anyone else's mind. You are not capable of meeting every need anyone else has, at every moment they have them.

What is true about us is also true about everyone else. And when this is the case, and we are flawed beings, that means everyone else is flawed. Which means, at some point, you're going to trust someone to do something and they are going to fail you.

Relationships, therefore, are built on two things: how often this happens, and the reason why.

If someone disappoints you a lot, and they don't seem to care, they're a pretty miserable friend. In fact, it's likely they're not a friend at all, and you're throwing yourself away on that person, like spending good money after bad on a car that simply will not work.

If someone disappoints you a lot, but they don't mean to and they feel bad about it, you're at fault for trusting someone to do something they're incapable of doing.

If someone is reliable for the most part, and then one day fails you and feels terrible about it, you have to decide if you're going to hold that against them or get past it and give them another chance. If it happens again, the same way, you have to figure out if you're willing to live with that one person never being able to step up for that one thing and always feeling terrible about it.

And of course, there are strata of circumstances in varying degrees of both trust and concern between (and beyond) those above. And in every single circumstance, one thing is consistent: you.

You have to be able to make the decisions on what to do in every case. You have that control. If you stand back and think "well, I can't do better than this man who says he loves me but beats me" or "I love her, despite the fact that she's disgusting and nasty and mean and what can I do?" Or "He was supposed to get me a job with that company, and because he didn't, I can't be a [whatever]" -- Well, you're in control of that feeling, right then and there. You're making a decision via apathy or despair or loneliness. But you're still making the decision.

At the end of the day, you are responsible for how you feel. You cannot outsource your emotions; no one else can feel what you feel for you, and thus they are not responsible for your emotional state. That doesn't mean they aren't wrong when they fail you, and it doesn't mean that someone's hateful, selfish or negligent behavior should go without consequence. But how you feel about it? That's all on you.

And it's going to suck when someone fails you -- I'm not saying that you shouldn't be sad, angry or disappointed. You have to be if you're human and not a sociopath. What I am saying, though, is that you can't carry that feeling around with you and have it affect your life in a destructive manner. You cannot give up on life and point to the person that disappointed you at some point and say "It's their fault." You have to get up and eat breakfast and get dressed and live out your day, day to day, no matter who disappoints you, where when or why.

Giving up on anything because someone else failed you isn't their fault -- it's yours. It's your life. Other people are aspects of your experience. Don't make them responsible for your successes, failures, feelings and emotions.