Letters For Healing

I am a blogger I love to write and the written word is my escape, my refuge and has been for many years now. I could say yet again that a therapist recommended blogging and I took their advice. I have said so in the past and that would be honest, but in reality it never helped me, or at least not the way I expected. I thought if I blogged and there was feed back or just getting it out there that I would be cured.But,the only thing it has really done is made me more vocal about a devastating event and sometimes as the anniversaries draw near I reach the point to where I do not believe I can hold on any longer.I have thought that death would be my out. I would have no more pain, but the people who love and depend on me I would leave them devastated, and I doubt they would ever forgive me. For some they think this is a crutch I hold onto so that I do not have to make a commitment to anyone, but this could not be further from the truth. I want love and I want to be loved. I think every human being needs to be loved, but also to love someone that returns it to you ten fold.I have the dream of finding love with the man of my dreams, but I also need to be free from a love I still have for someone.      

The thing is I lost two people in my life within two weeks of each other some years ago. Yes,it was very tragic to lose my mom at a very young age but losing my fiancee' devastated me beyond repair. I have had a couple of relationships since,but they were never for filling or rewarding to me. They were lacking in so many ways and the reason was neither was Jason. No one could be Jason. So these years later I find myself in this dilemma. It is certainly not fair to be with someone I cannot have a for filling relationship with. I have tried to make myself love someone intimately and completely, but it didn't work.I have nothing wrong with me physically or sexual, but this nagging ever present thought that I am cheating on Jason.

I think I have been going at this all wrong and I talked it over with a friend, yes a male friend tonight that just wants me to get well. We know that no pills can cure me. Blogging about the gruesome events leading to Jason's death only makes things worse, so why don't I post letters from Jason even though personal I will leave some things out if it is too graphic. But, I need to remember all the good things that we shared, but without any gruesome events that I alone shared out on that road the night he died.

So today 9/14/2013 I will post Jason's writings to me. As a matter of fact I bought a Neat Receipt scanner around tax tax time this year. I had so much fun realizing what all it would do and when my brothers came up I asked them them to go to the attic and retrieve a box for me labeled Jason box 1. I had planned to scan some of the things he wrote to be, but then I thought it would be too much and so I moved the box and put it in the bedroom closet. But now I will post these in my blogs at least once a day. Some are the notes from school that you made and folded each corner to make it like a envelope. Some later on will be emails, but they are mine written to me by the boy/man that loved me as much as I loved him.

I hope this works to heal me, to show myself, I was loved, I a lovable and most of all worthy to be loved. I regret that I do not have that many love notes from me to Jason since I believe he kept them at his parents and they have never retrieved them since I did ask, but I do have our steamy emails from college.

If this offends you then I apologize, but you don't have to read them, this is my therapy and not yours. But, for those who do read I would appreciate any feed back or advice on my problem that you make give.

Sincerely,