I would give anything to be like everyone else to not feel to become comfortably numb. To live and love for the moment and never look at the big picture or who it hurts. But, I am not like that and I am in a way punishing myself because I feel I have hurt someone. I should hope that they should know me well enough to know that this is not me or how I handle situations. I have ran from getting hurt, no not getting hurt so much as putting my heart out there. I have been on a emotional journey and the fact that there was someone else in your life made me back off.
As for now I just want to be happy and not have to worry about anyone but myself. Selfish I suppose so, but I need to simplify my life. I need to think about me for once in my life and make me first. I do not need a man to validate me or make my life complete. Yes, I am unhappy right now but I know it shall lead to peace of mind. In the end I shall make my own happiness.
I am not like most women, for I do not have an agenda. I need not look for someone to look out for me or take care of me for I am head strong and in no way would ever consider being a kept woman. I have had offers that where shot down before they were completely said. I did not go to college, med school, internship and residency and work so hard so I could sip umbrella drinks by the sea shore.
Okay I am depressed this happens- around this time every year, but just a little sooner this year. I just need people to back off and if you are really my friend you will realize that everyone needs time to think. There are no quick fixes for me.
I once dreamed of the american dream the wonderful husband I was in love with, 2.5 kids the house with the picket fence and the Lassie dog. Not everyone gets this and that is why it is the dream of every teenage girl since the history of time. It is a dream, it is not real and will take you through your 20's to realize you make your own happiness. No one is out there with a magic wand that can make my life how I dreamed.
This is the thing I need to focus on work I know I have said it 1000's of times and I meant it each and every time. But, as I sit and think of my past and how good it once was. The hope that I once had for this incredible guy that I thought was the answer to all my problems. The person that could wipe away any thoughts of Jason for good, and that I dreamed of having and making a life with and of even starting a family. Fate doesn't always see our lives the way we do.
For right now I am starting a clean slate. All these feeling I have will have to be pushed aside so I can cope with my future. I need to get through these next two years at work with no constant thoughts of what might have been or could have been. I am a dreamer, a romantic, I wasn't but now I must come to be a realist.
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