If Only

If only everyone in the world was as you thought they were. If only everyone in the world lived up to how you truly saw them. If only the good that you saw in a particular person was really there. If only there was true love in the world. If only there was a love so true that if someone truly loved you, they would protect you and your feelings at all cost. For you see I loved someone this way and not so very long ago. 

I  was there for them. I was waiting. I was devoted to them, but I had no clue what it was they wanted. This person had made me open my heart to them. This person gave me a reason to believe in love again, yet they ripped my heart from my chest in the end. 

There never was a sorry, a guilty conscience or an explanation as to why they felt a need to destroy me. Yes, this person made me angry. Yes, I lashed out in a rage so fierce it still scares me today. I have never been this way in my life. I wanted this person so badly and they just threw me away like yesterday's trash. 

There has not been a day that has went by since this happened that I don't ask myself "Why?" I wonder what I did to deserve this? 

If Only,

 I Knew

Trusting Others

Every single person in your entire life will, at some point or another, disappoint you.

This is inevitable. No one is perfect. No one is capable of reading your mind. No one is 100% capable of meeting every need you have, at every moment you have them. We know this, because you are not perfect. You are not capable of reading anyone else's mind. You are not capable of meeting every need anyone else has, at every moment they have them.

What is true about us is also true about everyone else. And when this is the case, and we are flawed beings, that means everyone else is flawed. Which means, at some point, you're going to trust someone to do something and they are going to fail you.

Relationships, therefore, are built on two things: how often this happens, and the reason why.

If someone disappoints you a lot, and they don't seem to care, they're a pretty miserable friend. In fact, it's likely they're not a friend at all, and you're throwing yourself away on that person, like spending good money after bad on a car that simply will not work.

If someone disappoints you a lot, but they don't mean to and they feel bad about it, you're at fault for trusting someone to do something they're incapable of doing.

If someone is reliable for the most part, and then one day fails you and feels terrible about it, you have to decide if you're going to hold that against them or get past it and give them another chance. If it happens again, the same way, you have to figure out if you're willing to live with that one person never being able to step up for that one thing and always feeling terrible about it.

And of course, there are strata of circumstances in varying degrees of both trust and concern between (and beyond) those above. And in every single circumstance, one thing is consistent: you.

You have to be able to make the decisions on what to do in every case. You have that control. If you stand back and think "well, I can't do better than this man who says he loves me but beats me" or "I love her, despite the fact that she's disgusting and nasty and mean and what can I do?" Or "He was supposed to get me a job with that company, and because he didn't, I can't be a [whatever]" -- Well, you're in control of that feeling, right then and there. You're making a decision via apathy or despair or loneliness. But you're still making the decision.

At the end of the day, you are responsible for how you feel. You cannot outsource your emotions; no one else can feel what you feel for you, and thus they are not responsible for your emotional state. That doesn't mean they aren't wrong when they fail you, and it doesn't mean that someone's hateful, selfish or negligent behavior should go without consequence. But how you feel about it? That's all on you.

And it's going to suck when someone fails you -- I'm not saying that you shouldn't be sad, angry or disappointed. You have to be if you're human and not a sociopath. What I am saying, though, is that you can't carry that feeling around with you and have it affect your life in a destructive manner. You cannot give up on life and point to the person that disappointed you at some point and say "It's their fault." You have to get up and eat breakfast and get dressed and live out your day, day to day, no matter who disappoints you, where when or why.

Giving up on anything because someone else failed you isn't their fault -- it's yours. It's your life. Other people are aspects of your experience. Don't make them responsible for your successes, failures, feelings and emotions.

Reality

 

I have a dream of the sun always shining.

Of smiles

Of laughing

I have a dream of the snow melting.

Of the sneers and frowns dying

Of all sorrows vanishing

I have a dream of the wind blowing.

Of removing all worries

Of everyone relaxing

I had a dream.

Then I awoke.

SHAME ON YOU!

It seems as if the last few weeks have been a reminder that you cannot trust people, 

even people you think you know so well. People you think are the most honest, caring

and reliable people you have ever known are liars and cheats. You have no idea about

people until you have been burned by them. I was hurt more than I have ever been 

hurt in my entire life, and I lost a friendship over it. 

I pray that I will learn to trust again, but I think I will always proceed with caution.

This has made me bitter and cold, something I have never been before. I have been 

mad or had my feelings hurt before, but this has almost destroyed me. This person

knows my pain from my past and yet feels they must get there turn at bat or 

drive the nail in a little deeper. 

I refuse to be hurt, I have gave it all to God. I am a firm believer in Karma and

so I know things will turn on them in the end for hurting me so. I have always

been a trusting person and one who cares probably too deeply. Yet, I am a

survivor and I will get though this as I have every other pain that has came

my way. 

Shame on you! Shame on you for the lies you told and for hurting me!

I Am Thankful For All My Blessings

I am thankful for my many blessings and they are many. Like so many people I get bogged down

by life and therefore when I whine about being hurt by people I must sound as if I am not completely thankful for this life in which I lead. But, that couldn't be further from the truth. I thank God each and everyday for his many blessings he has bestowed upon me. I know where my blessings come from and I am thankful. Without God in my life there would be no blessings to speak of. I know that each person has to live there life and some do without God in it, but knowing God helps you see each new blessing as it arrives.

This last year has been a wake up call for me as far as romance and trusting people, but I am hopeful that God will help me over come this. I am still blessed to have lived and loved and we learn from the mistakes that we make. 

I am Thankful for my family, friends and each new breath I take

I am thankful for Bentley, Cara and Orion for they are my best 

friends and my babies. I am thankful for my Georgia Home and

my home here in Baltimore. I am Thankful that I have plenty to

eat and shelter from the storm. I am most thankful for my job and

the children I care for. I am thankful that I am able to do what I 

love and my reward is that of babies and children getting well and

going home. My list is endless for I have so much to be thankful for

and I count each blessing daily. 

I pray that you to can count your blessings

God Bless

&

Happy Thanksgiving  

  

LIFE

I know I sound critical and broken down by life, yet life ain't going to whip my ass. I have many more miles ahead of me and and I shall not be removed from life by simple heartaches. I have a feeling there will be many more heartaches to go before this life is over. 

I am always thought to be the heart breaker, but truth be know I intimidate men. They think they want me, and then they have no clue how to treat me. I will not come in a mere second to anyone. Most men do not approach me out of fear of being shot down. Then there are those who think because I am from the South they are so much better than I am.   

News flash, not to toot my own horn but I am so much better than the men that come my way.

WORD OF ADVICE

It is the people that you think you know best that completely and utterly  blow you out of the water. The people that you trusted the most that take advantage you. The people who say they love and respect you that will show you what love is not. How can you trust people who lie to you? Thing is once you have been burned you learn not to play with fire anymore. Life is so full of surprises and the players are getting harder to read. The players in the game are the ones you least suspect 

Seems everyone has an agenda and the players look like the people you have known for years.

The same people that say they love you will stab you in the heart and flee the scene. Why can't people be truthful and honest to you and themselves? Believe it or not the sharks are always circling to see who they can devour. 

Trust issues , yes I have them. Even more so now that I have been attacked in a surprise attack. I cannot even trust myself to make wise decision that pertains to my life any longer. I will survive as I always do, but the scars will be there for life now. 

WORD OF ADVICE: 

TRUST NO ONE!