Friday, May 31, 2013

When I grow Up I'd Like To Be




The correct answer was social media director.
We doubt Isabella and Lylla will both still want to be ballerinas when they grow up (also, awesome job sticking to gender norms, kids!), but we're betting Albert will want to be a person who stays home and does nothing for the rest of his life. We appreciate that he specifically does not say he wants to be a stay-at-home dad. He doesn't want to care for kids or clean up the house or be responsible for anything but sitting on his own rapidly expanding ass. Little word of advice, Albert: try being a blogger. Also, has anyone spoken to David's parents?




The poetry of Emily Dickinson

When Emily Dickinson died in 1886, it was with astonishment that her sister Lavinia discovered close to eighteen hundred poems, many arranged into handbound booklets, packed away in a box.

Four years later, when the first selection of her work was published to an appreciative readership, something had been subtly altered in the appearance of the poems.
Dickinson’s style of punctuation was so at odds with the poetic conventions of the day, it was viewed as a weakness by the literary editors appointed by her family. As a result, they set about re-punctuating and ‘improving’ the texts for publication, and in doing so interfered with what was most unique about them – the lightning dash-driven impression of a brilliant mind in action.

Wild Nights – Wild Nights!
Were I with thee
Wild Nights should be
Our luxury!
Futile – the Winds –
To a Heart in port –
Done with the Compass –
Done with the Chart!
Rowing in Eden –
Ah, the Sea!
Might I but moor – Tonight –
In Thee!
‘Wild nights – Wild nights! (269)’

The energy in this poem is manifested by an exhilarating combination of declaration, sigh, and flow, the clauses simultaneously joined and held apart by the poet’s signature dashes. As if those longed for nights weren’t wild enough, they are repeated three times – a classic rhetorical device – and capitalized on top. And finally, not one, but four exclamation marks: all available bells and whistles are being employed.
The punctuation in any poem serves as a set of instructions to the reader as to how it should be spoken aloud. Commas, semi-colons, full stops, line breaks: all of these can control the pace and rhythm with which another person may speak a poet’s words.
There has been much speculation as to what the dashes in Dickinson’s poems may signify, but one thing is for certain, they do not translate into the commas and full stops preferred by her early editors. The Dickinsonian dash can be seen, perhaps, as both bridge and river, both connector and divider of the words and clauses. It adds a liveliness and fluidity to the syntax, being somehow less ‘settled’ than conventional modes, and the effect can be to revitalize the language.

My Life had stood – a Loaded Gun –
In Corners – till a Day
The Owner passed – identified –
And carried Me away –
And now We roam in Sovereign Woods –
And now We hunt the Doe –
And every time I speak for Him –
The Mountains straight reply –

Emily Dickinson’s house in Amherst. Image by peppergrass

Emily Dickinson was a mysterious figure in the social world of Amherst, Massachusetts, confining herself to her father’s house for much of her adult life. She is also something of an enigma when it comes to poetic form; she is both the least adventurous and the most original of poets.
Her verse forms are more related to the common meter of traditional hymns (alternating 4-beat and 3-beat lines – as in, for example, the poem above) than to the iambic pentameter of literary tradition. And yet, her idiosyncratic methods of denoting breath, emphasis and pauses, add up to an unforgettable reading experience.

I held a jewel in my fingers –
And went to sleep –
The day was warm, and winds were prosy –
I said “Twill keep” –
I woke – and chid my honest fingers,
The Gem was gone –
And now, an Amethyst remembrance
Is all I own –
‘I held a Jewel in my fingers (245)’

This image encapsulates an experience familiar to most of us, whether poets or not, losing a precious spark of inspiration to the “prosy winds” of everyday responsibilities. Like many of Dickinson’s poems, it ends on a dash. Perhaps she is simply leading us back into the silence out of which each poem emerges.
Dickinson created poems as durable as diamonds without ever receiving the boost of publication. She reminds us that poems have a life of their own, beyond the uncertain arena of contemporary reputation.

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – Too?
Then there’s a pair of us?
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
‘I’m Nobody! Who are you? (260)’

One wonders what such a private poet would make of our curious age of self-promotion. Today, that closing image might translate to “an admiring Blog”.
“If I read a book [and] … feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry,” wrote Dickinson in a letter. Her own Collected Poems is just such a volume – offering up new ‘jewels’ on each return.



Thursday, May 30, 2013

This to be alllll about me!!!!!

 am watching some movies lately about relationships etc and though I know these are all works for fiction and they range from wildly entertaining to mildly annoying I actually think that I have learned something from these movies. 



"I Love You Man" staring Jason Segel and Paul Rudd. This is a story about a guy who doesn't have any good close guy friends and as he gets engaged he realizes that he doesn't have a 'best man'. He finds Jason Segel and shenanigans occur. But here's the thing - the message is not about being best friends, it's more about being open and honest and communicating and living in the NOW. 

"He's Just Not That Into You". We know what this is about, and the premise is to be more 'eyes open' when it comes to meeting people and stop thinking people are going to change and in all cases run away from the people that are not treating you well or are not what you think jives with what you want. 

These are themes I'm trying to really to live right now. I'm trying to get my brain and body in shape. I think if one happens the other will follow. Living with intent is not just a mental/emotional thing, it's going to encompass much much more than that. 

I'm slowly letting go of the past year. I'm slowly being able to peel that away and not let it fester and risk it turning ME into a dented can of green beans! It's true that I don't trust men right now, but that won't always be the case. Right now I just need this to be alllll about me. 

Is spending time with myself being selfish? Clearly not when I so desperately need to re-connect with myself and set a higher standard for relationships.




A look can say 1000 words



I was on the bus a few weeks ago minus my iPod. Normally being without my music would not bother me, but that day I was sitting at the back of the bus and had the misfortune to be within earshot of girl who appeared to be in her early 20's yammering incessantly on her cell phone. I was shocked at the language coming out of this girl's mouth! She was on her cell chatting quite loudly to whomever was on the other end of the phone. At first the conversation was banal - what did you do last night, how drunk was I at the party etc etc. After about two minutes however the conversation turned into "do you know girl X and isn't' she a (insert multiple unflattering expletives here). The absolute drivel and verbal abuse spilling out from her mouth was dumbfounding. 

I looked at this woman trying to determine if the conversation she was having was simply for show - a young girl who might be needing to show off her bravado by slandering anyone of the same gender she knows and making sure everyone around her could hear what a bad-ass she was. I looked away from her and across the aisle of the bus to the fellow seated opposite me. For the next 5 minutes or so this man and I had an entire conversation about the young girl without ever saying a word.

I catch his eye and give a apprehensive smile while raising my eyebrows. He counters by giving a sideways glance towards the mobile motor-mouth and finishes his non verbal statement with a roll of his eyes. I nod my head in agreement - certain he was telling me he found this girl equally as annoying as I did. The girl lets out a flurry of f-bombs and the guy across from me widens his eyes in surprise and and gives me a perplexed look. I shake my head from side to side indicating that I too can't believe what I am being forced to hear. During my non-verbal exchange with the man across from me I was amazed at how a contraction of just a few muscles can really convey complex thoughts.

I looked around at the people seated directly beside this offensive girl and noted without surprise that the 6 people closest to her were making several faces displaying everything from disgust to annoyance to exasperation. I share a nod of my head and wry smile with 3 of them. In all of these exchanges of looks I purposely avoided making direct eye contact with the object of my offense. I was convinced that from the ease at which she chose profanity over any other descriptive words that I would be directly subjected to an onslaught of malediction; and though I do like to consider myself a bit of a wordsmith, I knew that any clever retort I had for her would just be lost in translation from my proper English to her Jersey Shore.

I'm sure it was a short time later but it seemed like an hour, the girl got off the bus. An eruption of applause breaks out from the people who were seated closest to her. No one says a word but the smiles and clapping say it all. Thank GOODNESS that girl has left and we might now find some peace in which to unwind from our busy day. 

I try to be conscious of my facial expressions so as not to give away too many of my inner thoughts by having them reflected in my face. Bored in class? Try to keep a neutral face so my instructor doesn't take personal offense. Have a great poker hand? Best not to smile to give that away. Feeling amorous? A twinkle in my eye and a raise of my eyebrow and my lover responds well to my non-verbal advances. 

I like to think that I'm a fairly expressive person both verbally and non-verbally. In fact, I believe that I am more prone to non-verbal communication than verbal. A picture may be worth a thousand words but one look can say it all.



To Be Me



Sometimes it's incredible this overwhelming desire to just BE. I am growing softer lately I think -more open to my own vulnerability and more open to learning from my mistakes instead of just pointing at them all lined up like fallen soldiers in a war only I'm fighting. 

I'm listing to a lot of introspective music lately - or at least the sort of music that facilitates a lot of introspection. I'm having a hard time distinguishing between personal weaknesses and ego vulnerabilities lately. I am less and less patient with what I consider to be weakness - both from myself and with others but I am craving understanding - both from myself and for others. It's such a strange tight-rope I feel I'm walking. 

Lately I just want to BE. I imagine my life after finishing my fellowship. I know I will be leaving this "Big City of Baltimore" and returning to my Georgia home and my roots. I want to travel, yet I want to have roots. I want to fall in love,and I want to have one partner in every sense of the word. A soulmate, the man of my dreams. I want to make babies for the man I love and have a part of ourselves live on forever. I'm 28 so things need to fall in place for me soon. 

I feel like I need to have a funeral for dreams that never came true for Jason and I - to just let them go so I can focus on something more attainable like finishing school, having a fantastic practice and maintaining my great friendships and to make my farm a farm again, with livestock, my bees and maybe another dog or 2. 

I could be that fantastic Aunt Amber where my nephews and nieces when my brothers have them ;) They could come to visit me on my farm or far away cottage in some cozy European village someplace. I could have a wonderful life with the right person, come and go and have fantastic friends and art and dinner parties and live out my days taking up languages and traveling and maybe learning how to paint or draw or write books on how to live in the moment. 

Mostly I just want to learn how to BE. Maybe it's just not possible right now as I find myself fighting with myself and my beliefs as I go through school. I need to find the quiet moments every day to just remember who I really am deep down in my core.




Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Blessed To Be Living In The US of A

Older Blog!

There are many reasons--mostly that I've crazy busy!!!

It's the end of the semester--I went to a conference 2 weeks ago--and I'm treading water a lot.

Oddly enough though--I wanted to write about this.

Months ago.  But--couldn't.



Starting around about the beginning of March, I felt like I usually do weeks before September.

Weeks before the anniversary of 9/11.

The feelings I get then are memory filled, grief filled, prayer filled.

And--I started getting those same feelings around the beginning of March.

I decided it was partially because of my mother's death, and Jason's.

So--I've allowed grief, thought, review of what happened, pondering.

And much review of what happened.  I had this desire to review what happened 12 years ago.

Not my experience--which I typically review every year--but other's experiences this time.

And then--what happened in Boston happened this week.


Am I speechless?  Surprisingly I sort of am, and yet am not at the same time.

There has been too much of this.  Too many "signs of the time".  Too many shootings.  Too many deaths.

Yet--in America we are still amazingly blessed compared to many other countries, where such things are "the norm".

I don't think we quite realize how blessed we are.

But, oddly, I felt a little "prepped" this time?  Is that horrible or what?

It's horrible---but then I listen to those who were "prepped"--the people who ran in, instead of away.

The helpers.

I have decided to become an even better prepared helper.  I'm not sure when it will occur--but somethings have become more clear.

Yet, still--I pray--pray for the people, for the world, for our leaders, and for the victims and their families.

And I thank the Lord everyday that I live in a country where so many people run in, and help others.  Where even if they cannot help with the medical care, they give, they are kind, they are careful, and they show love.

What a beautiful reality.  Al Roker (yes, Roker) said this morning something to the extent of the following quote this morning--and it is all I want to say right now:

(I'm not quoting it exactly word for word)
"The terrorists do these things, thinking that they will tear us a part.  Instead, it unites us in the U.S."

What a beautiful reality in many ways.

Amen, amen!




WARNING: This one is a DOOSEY!!!


Okay--I have a big ole whine today!!! Huge!!  WARNING: This one is a DOOSEY!!!

Selfish, self-centered--that it is.  Narcissistic--I"m sure!

Here's my whine:  people wonder why I do a lot of things---if not most things independent of others--

And why I dedicate a lot of time  (most of the time I would spend "with others" alone or with with family).

Well--let me tell you!

BECAUSE PEOPLE BACK OUT OF THINGS FAR TOO MUCH--AND THEN EXPECT ME TO NOT CARE---EVEN THOUGH THEY ALWAYS CARE IF I DON'T HAVE A BIG HUGE FREE SCHEDULE ALL THE TIME THAT FITS IN THEIR LIVES!!!!!


I HATE that--I always have!!!

Ever since I was a teenager--seriously!!!

It's always been this  horrible Catch 22 for me.  

The usual event planning by me because everyone loves my taste. Ha

I am tried--after being prompted--to set up an "outing"!

I tried to invite all sorts of people--married,  unmarried, all sorts.

No one wants to contribute there time to help me, but expect things to get done and run smoothly.  

No one--or hardly anyone signed up to come.

Then I had 2 people--friends--message me that they could come.

And then--at the last minute (LITERALLY--like as if I was walking out the door to my car) I get a text that said NEITHER of them could go!!

The story of my life! And people wonder why I opt to do things by myself so much!!

On my way to any outing or event that this happens I wonder why people suggest events, parties or outings if they will not clear there calender to make it a priority? Everyone seems to love spending time with you, plan things that takes away from you time, your schedule with no concern for your time or feelings.  

 I came up with the 3 reasons why this happens:

A.  I like spending time with myself!!! Shockingly, I'm not afraid to be by myself--like a lot of women seem to be.  I TRUST myself--and obviously--the Spirit--cause who the heck else do I have to hang out with regularly?


B.  Myself and I--we have the same schedule!  Makes scheduling things WAY easier

C. Myself and I--we have the same tastes!  Meaning--I don't have to cow-tail to someone else's tastes cause someone else either has no concept, or does not care that I have to eat at certain times, and so forth.


So yea--that's why I do things by myself a lot.  It's not that I don't like doing things with other people--but often there is so much to arrange and rearrange, and rearrange again--it takes up more energy and time than it's worth.  More than once I get done with some activity with other people (not usually family--although even family can be more than enough stress--more than enough--believe me!) and I think "was that worth it?" 

There's this horrible news article/advice column that has been floating around online for years now.  An article from a married "friend" to an unmarried "friend"--who, I admit, was insensitive and stupid.  I try very hard not to be one of those friends.  But--it's AMAZING to me how much I try to be sensitive about other people's schedules, and husbands, and children, and needs--and others--don't seem to give a flying fart that I have a schedule, that I have needs, and that sometimes, I would REALLY prefer that my life not have to be turned upside down because someone else can't contain their needs for a freaking DAY!!!  It amazes me to this day, how people--especially those of my faith, assume that I have a "fly by night" schedule--where I can just pick up and go out with them any old time THEY want to.

You know--I HAVE A JOB!!! A REALLY REALLY BUSY STRESSFUL ONE AT THAT.  I HAVE FAMILY TOO--WITH NEEDS--LOTS OF THEM!!! I HAVE PEOPLE I PRAY FOR AND CARE ABOUT AND ADVOCATE FOR AROUND ME ALL THE TIME (WHETHER IN PERSON OR NOT)!!!!  AND SOMETIMES, I JUST WANT A NIGHT TO CLEAN MY FREAKING HOUSE SINCE I'M NEVER HOME, AND DON'T USUALLY GET TO DO IT UNTIL MY TOILET IS GROWING!!!

I know, I know--I'm so whiny, and complaining!!!


AGGGHHH!!!! 

Okay--so it's two whines today--but seriously--people wonder why..........???????????????????


I wrote this a while back while feeling used--, but now I'd be happy just to do everything over without complaints. I realize people do mean well. but they too have hectic schedules. I will not be volunteering anytime soon because my heath, but I will be willing to help anyone in any way..    


Alright--you can now return to your own whine and cheese!





Pick Up The Phone (Song About Doing Ya Wrong)

Ohhh Baby, I want you back, Ohhh baby put our life back on tract, 
forget the past and that I did you wrong, please baby don't be that way 
please pickup the phone..

I need to hear your voice I need to explain...
For my love for you I need to exclaim, 
I'll shout it from the roof tops, I'll shout it to
the heavens above "come on baby accept my love"

Ohhh Baby, I want you back, Ohhh baby put our life back on tract, 
forget the past and that I did you wrong, please baby don't be that way 
please pickup the phone..

Baby, don't leave me hanging you know I'm right here I'm the woman 
that loves you..so let me make my love clear. I have what it takes to 
love you and make you feel right. Ohhh baby I'll love you like Saturday 
night...

Baby I love you....You know this is true,  forget about my past and
let me make it up to you.. Baby I'm sorry what more can I say? I'm the only 
woman alive to make you feel this way...

Ohhh Baby, I want you back, Ohhh baby put our life back on tract, 
forget the past and that I did you wrong, please baby don't be that way 
please pickup the phone..

Ring, Ring, Hello ...Baby I'm sorry it was all my fault


Song Written by Amber Wilson 2013



Tuesday, May 28, 2013

I WILL SURVIVE



It is good to be back blogging again I really miss blogging when I can't. I know I always share too much info about myself which can be a bad thing, but telling about myself helps me face tomorrow or what ever comes my way. I am now recovering from surgery for a subdural hematoma which has been a major set back for me career wise, but I am very thankful to God that I am still here with a story to tell. I will still be living here in Baltimore a little longer than expected and I lost my drivers licence for 3 to 6 month due to a head injury. No one knows if something happened from a surgery I had some years back from a head injury or if the bleed started on it's own.

I am optimistic that everything will workout for me eventually. It is like "Murphy's Law" with me everything that can go wrong will, but eventually this black cloud looming over me shall lift and only good can come my way. I will not go into all the details of my life and why I raise this point "only I am due some good luck. Every time I am confronted with a new disaster within my life I think of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" a true story. It is where a woman has four son's and all are killed in the war so there is a troop assigned to search for her only surviving son and to send him back home alive. 

You wonder why bad things happen to good people? Some people receive more than there share of heartache, pain and suffering to last a lifetime and I have seemed to be one of those people. But, I think that God never gives us more than we can handle. I have came through so much victoriously, and I know this shall be the care once again. 

The only thing that I have never recovered from is the betrayal of a dear friend of many years, and that pain shall never subside. It is still there especially after going through something similar again and the outcome the same. I will never get to be friends ever again with this person and the thought tortures me at times. I thought we would always be friends no matter what......Well enough about the regrets in life I must once again get well and look forward to the future.

I am going to be alright after all I am a survivor. I will not dwell on the past, but yet seek my future and pursue it without faltering. I need no one but myself to pull myself up once again and start over with life. Life keeps kicking me, but I am a persistent bitch that keeps getting back up and fighting the obstacles that try to destroy me that try to bring me down.    

I WILL SURVIVE                          

    

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Working My Mind



I've realized just recently that it had been ages since I have read a good book. A story book to transport me to times past, present and future. A book to push my bed time later than usual, risking blank stares and blurry thoughts the following morning. Atenolol, paracetamol-wha?

 I picked up a book from the shelf and started to read.

The book was The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri.

I found myself daydreaming about the characters, thinking about them as I drive to work, as I bathe, as I eat, looking forward to the time when I cozy myself on the bed with the book before retiring for the night.

Suffice to say, I Missed reading. With a capital M.

While on the subject of picking up old habits, this distant memory of distinctly owning a blog stole itself into my consciousness.

Reading what I have written, I marvel at how time passes by so stealthily, nay a noise.

So here I am again, having words manifest themselves from the brain through the nerves to the muscles to the screen. Random words with constant erasing of grammatical boo-boos and spelling errors-I'm convinced my England is going down the longkang.

But of it feels so good.

......

Would wearing one's heart on one's sleeves be better than being sensitive to others' feelings?




Change



Life, as we know it - can never be understood no matter how hard we try.

We go through life, as mundane as it may be and sometimes we lose sight of where we are heading, or what we are doing.

But random happenings will manifest itself; in the form of a book, a passage one chance upon, a conversation, a realization, a brief thought.

They remind us that we are here, still. Shouldn't we then be grateful?

For another day, another minute, another second.

another chance.



I Wonder





Aching heart and dear spiteful mind
Charmed by hope and hope hopefully blind
Wishing for, dreaming of, aspiring to attain
that which can't be grasped due to its thorns
and immeasurable pain
Is there one that will love me?
In spite of all my flaws
Unconditionally so... keep my heart in awe.
Just a trick of the mind
Truth revealed in time
Death is the only thing that is sure
The only thing that I can claim as mine.
Mysteries of the unknown
and the powers that be
To the God that created it all
what is the purpose that you have set forth for me?
Simple pain and a memory full of regrets
Misery and sorrow, a life of emptiness and complexities
glimpses of joy stolen and death to be cherished?



I wonder.


And what is this desire you have placed in my heart?
Desiring to do your will...
grow closer to you...
altruistic behavior...
and yet,created in flesh
and placed in a world where the opposite is true.


To desire love so much
only to be appeased by the deceiving nature of lust.
Living a life of honesty in a world of lies
where the deceivers prosper and the wicked are the ones they trust.
It's an oxymoron of sorts
To move in the spirit, but live in the flesh.
To be seen as an outcast when I'm giving you my best.


I wonder.

However, another day I'm alive,
so unto I submit my will;
for,this must be according to your plan.
I just pray that your will be done...
Have mercy...
Kill the pain, sadness, sorrow, and loneliness
in this woman.


A Wilson 2013




Tuesday, May 7, 2013

It's Just A Workout



It's a struggle.
Pressing on when you are getting pressed on.
Trying to make it through, while being put through.
So much drama.
Folks acting, while you're being real.
Taking advantage of your sincerity...
As an opportunity to steal...
Your joy, your goals, your happiness, your heart...
All the things that make you...you, they rip apart.

I know that it seems grim.
Yet, I refuse to be depressed.
You see, I have HIM.
And HE see's it all.
That which was planned for my demise.
HE uses for my victory, not my fall.
Therefore, I still rise...
In the mist of it all.

I don't even seek vengeance or try to defend myself.
You see, my GOD see's it all.
And when times get hard, HE reassures me with HIS help.

HE is my personal trainer/spotter while a train in the gym of life.
HE adds more weight to my situation, so that I can become stronger.
Has me running through hurdles to improve my endurance...
So that I can LAST longer.
And when I think that it is too much for me to take...
HE reaches down and picks up some of the weight.
Puts me in a room to myself, turns up the heat, and yes, it gets hot.
But HE does this so that my muscles can rejuvenate.
Then, it's back to training...my job, is to give it all I got.

So, even though it's a struggle, and at times it may seem hard.
I know that weight is just being added to the bar.

And when people are mean, cold, callous, and taking advantage of me.
I know that I'm being placed in my own little room and HE's...
just turning up the heat.

There will be a time...
That I'll look back... on who I used to be,
That old me... Out of shape, tired, and depressed.
The one that folks used as a welcome mat.

Yes, I'll have to look back.

Because, that isn't going to be where I'm at.

You see, GOD's working on me.

And HE's working on you too.

Getting us in shape.