Cyber Love: What is Real & What is Virtual?

The conventional bar scene of the 70s and 80s is no longer the accepted place to meet prospective dates. Lately, more and more singles are turning to the Internet for better dating opportunities. Talk show hype over cyberspace love encounters and the movie You've Got Mail have popularized the romantic potential of the Internet. The process of an online relationship, however, is very different from real time dating processes. The online environment is, by its very nature, restrictive. For new Internet users, the online culture shock can be daunting.Learning to communicate on the Internet is the first obstacle for newbies. Emoticons such as :-), LOL, and <G> are used liberally to express emotion, and can be like learning a foreign language. The rules are different online as well. There are protocols to follow in chat rooms; for example, to avoid accidentally offending others, sarcasm must be spelled out. Devoid of body language and intonation, the typed word is the only way to get the message across. Most novice Internet chat users first begin as "lurkers," content to quietly watch others interact. This way, the Internet culture is safely and quietly experienced before a user feels comfortable interacting within it. Another noticeable inconvenience, especially for women, is the seemingly endless number of chatters who want casual "cyber sex." This affront discourages many new chat users from returning, and also perpetuates the image of the Internet being "dirty." These cyber sex hound-offenders are attracted to the anonymity of the Internet. Where else can they act so rudely without getting caught? However, all novice chat users are mesmerized to some degree by the extreme anonymity and fantasy potential the Internet provides. Often, the user eventually realizes the sensitivity needed to interact with others – a transition is made from relating to the computer to relating to other people online. Often, this transition is coupled with an event that brings about this reality – such as "falling in love" with a fantasy and dealing with the reality that follows, meeting a chat partner face to face, or realizing that careless actions have hurt another person. Once this transition occurs, the chat user suffers a period of disillusionment, and then chooses to continue chat use – now wiser and kinder, or abandons Internet chat altogether. MIT sociology professor Sherry Turkle has extensively studied people’s relationships to computers. In her book, Life on the Screen, Turkle defines the aspects of the self as they relate to the new Internet culture. According to Turkle, "people are able to build a self by cycling through many selves" on the Internet (Turkle: 1995, p 178). This is a new phenomenon, and counters the psychoanalytic definition of identity as being forged early in life. By trying on various personas, Internet users are able to experiment with their own identity. This identity experimentation, however, is not without risks and complications. While experimentation can be a healthy exploration, it can also be damaging to self-esteem. Turkle describes cases where the Internet users feel more confident as "altered selves," losing confidence in their real identity (Turkle, 1995). Often, it is the state of the self-esteem at the beginning of the experimentation that determines whether the experience is positive or negative. For example, someone who suffers from depression, will likely realize a negative impact by experimenting with his or her identity online. Identity experimentation also complicates the Internet dating arena. Not all identity experimentation is intentional. Some Internet users involved in online romances describe their relationship in these terms: "I’m a different person when I’m with him [online]" or "I’m happy and confident when we are talking online. I’m not like that any other time." These feelings might be incorrectly attributed to the relationship’s success, when the reality is that behavior has been altered through subconscious self-exploration. Once these relationships move off line, they often wane, since the magic (and the altering of identity) cannot be maintained without the online illusion. Turkle describes two phases of Internet relationships.
In a first phase, [Internet] players feel the excitement of a rapidly deepening relationship and the sense that time itself is speeding up…In a second phase, players commonly try to take things from the virtual to the real and are usually disappointed (Turkle, 1995, 206).
The Internet encourages transference, a classical psychoanalytic behavior. Transference is traditionally defined as the client’s projection of feelings and wishes onto the analyst. The analyst becomes what the client imagined. On the Internet, interaction is limited to typed words. Tone, emotion, voice, appearance, and inferences are all imagined to help construct understanding. All too often, the image of the perfect mate is projected, and transferred. What appears to be the perfect soul mate is actually an illusion. To some degree, transference during online interaction cannot be avoided. After all, we are conditioned to rely on all our senses to interpret situations. When some of the input is missing, our mind fills in the blank. The key, however, is to recognize that this occurs.Another complication of Internet dating is the use of the Internet as an escape. The Internet can become a fantastic and unreal world. Online, we are who we say we are, if only for a few hours. This escape from reality, however, makes online dating more difficult. Trisha, a friend of a friend, ruined a potential relationship because fantasy caused her to be dishonest. Trisha met a man online, and the online relationship quickly blossomed into an intense, intimate encounter. She had lied in the beginning of the relationship by understating her own weight by 150 pounds. When he asked for her picture a week later, she worried about her lie, and sent a picture of a slimmer woman instead. In her mind, however, he would come to accept her physically once he fell in love with her soul. A few weeks passed, and the relationship intensified. He arranged to fly to meet her. She felt confident that her lie would be forgiven if she confessed in person. However, the woman he met was nothing physically that she had led him to imagine. He walked away angrily and refused to speak to her again. Distraught, Trisha blamed society’s focus on beauty, not willing to realize that she had betrayed him by misrepresenting herself. Jana, was hurt by a more intentional deception. For over a year, she was involved in an intense, intimate online romance with a man called ‘Chad.’ Stating that he was worried he would lose custody of his son if his ex-wife discovered his online addiction, he never disclosed his true identity. At first, this appeared normal. However, a few months into the relationship, they became exclusive, and Jana pushed to take the relationship offline. Still, ‘Chad’ would not agree to disclose his identity or agree to any phone calls, or real time meetings. And while he asked for pictures of her to be sent over the Internet, he refused to send her any pictures of himself. Online Jana made friends with a female buddy of Chad’s, and soon began divulging her concerns and insecurities to this female buddy. Fifteen months into her online love affair, she discovered that the man she was involved with was the same person as the female buddy. When caught, this "person" justified their behavior as a way to test Jana, and immediately disappeared altogether from the Internet. Jana, convinced that she been involved in a committed and honest relationship, suffered for months to come to terms with this betrayal. She never found out if ‘Chad’ was actually a man or a woman.
Relationship expert John Gray identifies the five stages of dating in his book Mars and Venus on a Date.
Stage one: attraction. In stage one of dating, we experience our initial attraction to a potential partner. The challenge in this first stage is to make sure you get the opportunity to express that attraction and get to know a potential partner. Stage two: uncertainty. In stage two, we experience a shift from feeling attraction to feeling uncertain that our partner is right for us. The challenge in this stage is to recognize this uncertainty as normal and not be swayed by it. […] Without an understanding of this stage, it is too easy for a man to drift from one partner to another and for a woman to make the mistake of pursuing a man more than he is pursuing her. Stage three: exclusivity. In stage three we feel a desire to date a person exclusively. We want the opportunity to give and receive love in a special relationship without competition. […] The danger in this stage is that we become too comfortable and stop doing the little things that make our partners feel special. Stage four: intimacy. In stage four we begin to experience real intimacy. We feel relaxed to let down our guard and share ourselves more deeply than before. Stage five: engagement. In stage five, with the certainty that we are with the person we want to marry, we become engaged. In this stage we have the opportunity to celebrate our love. (Gray: 1997, 4)
Each step must be realized for both parties in order to have a complete and fulfilling relationship.Applying Gray’s stages, we can identify a recurring problem with online relationships. There is a tendency for rapid movement from attraction (stage one) to intimacy (stage four), skipping the uncertainty and exclusivity stages almost entirely. Here is a common comment from online lovers: "We instantly connected somehow. I feel we've known each other forever. I feel I can talk to them about anything." The illusion is that there is a solid foundation for the intimacy of a relationship. The online lovers fear that slowing the pace of the relationship will ruin the magic. However, these relationships often end suddenly when one partner realizes disappointment. Amy, a friend of mine, was involved in an online romance for several months with Jed, a man who lived in another state. Their relationship included lengthy and intimate phone conversations. They genuinely cared for each other, and spent time supporting one another through difficult life decisions. From their perspectives, they shared an intimate and loving relationship. When she suddenly became ill and hospitalized, I relayed messages to him, until he was able to contact her in her hospital room. They soon began discussing the possibility of living together. Problems occurred when they met for the first time. My friend confided that the spark that they shared online no longer existed in real time. Once completely enthralled, they now easily annoyed each other. After sharing their feelings and troubles for three months, they became total strangers face-to-face. Realizing that they had crossed intimacy boundaries, it was uncomfortable to assume even a friendly relationship. In order to avoid such extreme disappointments, Internet relationships should be considered incomplete relationships. A person who desires to meet potential mates online must be prepared to meet off line as well. After all, humans are based in real world situations. It is impossible to experience the entirety of another individual through a screen and keyboard. Indeed, there are successes from online romances. I know of several couples that met online and are now happily married. These relationships require work, dedication, and reality, as do real time-originated relationships. Amy learned from her mistakes with Jed. Not too discouraged with the dating potential of the Internet, Amy took a new approach. She posted an Internet dating add on a bulletin board specializing in her metropolitan area. She screened the bounty of responses, and narrowed her search to a dozen prospects. After exchanging friendly but not-too-personal emails with these men, she progressed a few to brief phone calls. She was able to weed out many men with "questionable motives," and also able to recognize what personality attributes interested her most. Finally, a few weeks later, she arranged for casual lunch dates with the remaining three contenders. While none of these men turned out to be Mr. Right, she considered this approach very successful, safe, and fun. She’s currently posting her second ad. In order to succeed with Internet dating, an online romantic interest should be seen as a potential dating partner. Once it is established that there is a potential for a relationship, the focus should shift to meeting on the phone and then meeting in person. Try to limit yourself to people within your geographical area; otherwise, you will face the expense and complications of a long-distance relationship. Here are some other suggestions for successful online dating: Be safety and security conscious. Do not readily make available your name, address, phone and social security number online. Beware of "players." Not everyone on the Internet is honest and decent. Be cautious with your safety as well as your heart. To some people, an online romance is a game. Look for inconsistencies in what they say, or pressure for you to do something that you are uncomfortable with. Dishonest is not the same as anonymous. It is appropriate to remain anonymous online until you establish mutual trust. However, it is not right to be dishonest, especially regarding your marital status. Practice courtesy. Don’t think that the anonymity of the Internet allows you to be invasive. Demanding to know someone’s weight, age, or sexual secrets is as rude online as it is off line. Realize that what you see online isn't the whole picture. There are many characteristics that make up a person. Online typing does not afford the experience of a person’s temperament, work ethic, parenting skills, or bad breath. Keep everything in perspective and don’t fall in love too quickly with the person you've envisioned. Avoid intimate online conversations until later. The sense of anonymity frees individuals to speak more frankly than they would in person. However, a relationship should progress at a comfortable pace. If you confess all your inner secrets to your new online lover, you might later regret it during your first face-to-face encounter. Don’t make hasty commitments. "Love at first type" is romantic, but not always realistic. Take your time and do it right. Consider free online dating web sites. Most of these are divided into major cities or geographical areas, increasing the chance of finding the right person locally. Also, because there is more of an expectation to meet in real time, there are fewer lurkers. However, as with dating services, you must contend with candidates with less-than-noble motives. Always be aware. Make friends. You will certainly meet many people that aren’t right for you, but they are still interesting. The Internet is a great place to make friends. Meet early. Once you like someone online and they like you, progress to a real time meeting. Until you hit it off on all levels, keep your options open. When you meet in real time (RT), play it safe. Remember that you are meeting a stranger. Opt for public places, such as a restaurant. Or consider bringing along a friend.
The Internet has its share of love and heartache. With so many people using the Internet, chances are great that you will find your mate, provided you use common sense, a lot of patience, and a willingness to take a budding online relationship into the real world.