After the blogs I just researched and wrote I realize why I have been on a emotional roller coaster with my grief for so long. Yes, After the deaths of mama and Jason within a short period of time, I simply never dealt with it. If I dealt with their deaths I would have to admit that they were both gone and I was all alone. I would have to let go of all the hopes and dreams and plans that Jason and I had for our futures together. I would have to give up the man of my dreams, my prince charming, my best friend and my soul mate. How could I ever imagine letting him go for I would lose a part of myself.
Yes, I saw a psychiatrist which prescribed 50mg of Zoloft for me that gave me diarrhea, dry mouth and made me gain weight. I also saw a therapist for a short while as well. Anyone that knows me knows I hate to take medicine so I came off the Zoloft after a month or so since it wasn't helping me. But, I kept myself busy with work and school and did my best not to think about my losses. I was then living in a dorm with 3 other roommates and I shut myself off from them as well. I never dated and when I was attracted to a man I felt that I was cheating on Jason. I know in my spare time I would go by the liquor store and by me a 5th of Jack Daniels and would sit there and drink until I passed out. Since I was in a dorm it was as if I was never alone to grieve and I wasn't going to be the cry baby of the room. That was when I needed to grieve and couldn't.
My daddy is a biker that demands respect and I couldn't be me around him. I found myself saying I am sorry about every little thing to people and he would say you have done nothing to them so don't say "Sorry" it is a sign of weakness. Yet I feel I have so much too be sorry for sometimes. I know I took care of my mama yet although I was there taking care of her as her caregiver I felt I never did enough. May if I did this or that I would have made it easier for her. Or I forgot to tell mama this or that and I hope she knows how much I love her. Then with Jason the same things really if I was out front on my bike he would never had hit that deer. At one time so I didn't have to explain what happen to him over and over to people I said he had a brain tumor and made it a rare form of cancer so people would let it go. I lied and I hate lying but every new person I had to tell I had to relive it all over again. I thought about it enough. Still to this day I remember the last time I told Jason I loved him was at a red light. I was constantly telling mama because I knew she was dying, but I didn't get that with Jason.
I know everyone that reads this must think that I am crazy or unstable and I can just add I feel that I am sometime. Lord knows I don't always get my way, but I have bargained for years with him just to give them back to me. I even wonder sometimes still if I am even lovable? I met someone, but I am not good enough for them and they deserve much better than me. I know that with all my heart. Being alone is best for me or for now anyway.
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