When I first started this blog ( Letting Go + Day's Clean and Sober) everyone assumed I think because they did not read the blog that I was a alcoholic or a drug addict, but thankfully I am not either. I understand addiction as a sickness and that can only dwell within us if we let it. My addiction was to Jason Taylor the love of my life and my soul mate that I lost in a motorcycle accident. I will not talk allot about Jason since I was able to go to his grave site a couple weeks ago and let go of our past. Yes, I was hopeful that I could start a future without his constant presence in my life. I must say I need to take one of the days off and make it 13 days since I fell off the wagon one day. But I did pick up where I left off the very next day.
I originally thought when I started this process that things would fall into place, but it has been hard. I had thought I could move on and start dating, but now I wonder if that will ever be? I have acted like fool and I have said things I should have never revealed to anyone.This is harder than I thought. I know I have no guarantee that this will ever work, yet I press on. But, I have to be 100% before I could even consider dating someone while my heart is still some where else. I don't know why? This is so stupid to hang on to nothingness. I know all of this is my fault since I wear my heart on my sleeve. After mama and Jason died so close together I thought I was a jinx? I realize that I may never be with anyone, and that is something I should get use to. I have made mistakes and I will never be perfect I know that. I have said it in the past, but I still don't think I did enough for mama and Jason in this lifetime and I will be punished the rest of my life.
I wish I could say that this week was very productive, but I cannot. I am getting Jason off my mind a little more, but that is only opening door to worry about everything else in life. Please dear Lord help me I will never make it without you.
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