No Worries

Been a while since I blogged, but I lost my muse again ;)

Nothing much going on here with me, since I am single and some what

keeping to myself. I went out last weekend after traveling into the city,

but what was a good night for me turned into a disaster and I lost a friend. 

There have been so many things that have not went my way, but I have not

blamed others for my own mistakes. 

I have had tragedy in my life, but crawled out of that hole I placed my own

self in and went on with life. I cannot blame God, my family, friends etc. for

things beyond my control. Life does not stand still, it does not wait on you

it revolves just as the earth and it doesn't matter if you are on board or not

it will go on with or without you. I chose to live, to my my life the best that 

it can possibly be. 

In a way I am old fashioned when it comes to relationships. I do not mess 

with married men or men that are in long term relationships with women. 

I would not want some woman to mess with my man, so I refuse to mess 

with someone else man. I will never allow myself to come in second in a 

man's life. If I cannot rate number one in someones life then they are 

not worth wasting my time on. 

So I choose to be single. Being single is not the worse thing that could 

happen to someone, being with someone and being miserable is. I am

happy. I don't have to worry about cooking large meals, washing extra

clothes, and I can sleep all over the bed and there is no one to complain. 

I can come and go as I like and not have a jealous man question me

about my every move. Oh and by the way it does take a hour to go

to the grocery store and back. 10 to 15 min there and then back 

and then finding everything you need takes that long. 

I have a lot of work to do and no time for a man at this point in 

my life. If I am meant to be with someone I am sure that God 

will send him to me and I will know. You can love and never

be loved in return, but I am not worried about it in the least.

Love is spontaneous and comes around when you least expect 

it. If you dwell on finding love it will never come your way. 

I am happy, content and need no one to validate me as a

woman, for I am woman. A woman that is a survivor, fighter,

and happy in my own shell. I will never give up, I will never

give in, my morals are who I am and I would never be me

without them. I refuse to worry about what things might have

been, but focus on a future that I see as bright.

I AM ME! 

I AM WOMAN!

I WILL NEVER CHANGE,

BUT WILL REMAIN THE SAME      

Life As I See It For Now

I  have amazed myself at how good I did at work this week. I would be lying if I said 

I had not been some what distracted by thoughts of you but I expected that to still

happen some until my heart and mind releases you completely. I know that you 

also have many things going on and do not need me to detract you as well. I so much

want your life to work out and I know it is better with out me in it. I know you'll 

understand that it is nothing personal just the fact that we both need our time to

make our own ways in life. 

You are happy and have such an amazing network of family and friends and as long as

you are happy I am happy also. You are an amazing person and I have been so very 

blessed to have had you in my life if for a short while. 

I am so busy what with my job, my diet, workouts, my babies and taking care and making

my house a home that I have no time for nothing else. My life is so hectic and I really have no

time for facebook and blogger that I cannot see me doing this much longer. I am happy with 

my life just the way it is..Single and sticking to it. It is not so bad being single. In a couple of 

years I will go to the lab and use my eggs I have back home in storage. I will pick a genius

donor and I will have a baby all by myself and raise it so. I do not have to have the craziness 

of a baby daddy.;) 

I love my life now with no dreams or expectations. I can be a good Dr and live life doing what 

I love. Believe me I am happy and looking back now wouldn't have it any other way. I have 

been shown that life is good and what you make of it. Should I decide to settle down ever I

shall choose wisely.   

My Opinions (Rantings)

Life comes with no guarantees that you're life will work out as expected or there will  

be a happy ending. I know that normalcy does exist and can be there for those brave

of heart willing to reach out and take hold of the brass ring. I say this women 

not to be mean, but we are waiting on the fairy tale that exist solely in the movies.

All men (our men) do not look like Tatum Channing or Matthew Mcconaughey

that is a fact but we love them anyway, if not we never loved them at all.  Let's

live in the real world ladies. 

 I mean how many women have lived with a guy 5 to 10 years and then there 

is a baby on the way before a man will propose to the woman he says he loves.What 

has happened to family values? I don't mean any harm to my friends that have lived

this, but when the baby is on the way and the couples marry everything is great and 

there love for one another becomes stronger. Then the baby is born and by the 

child's second or third Birthday the parents are ready to split up. How can you

get along and have a good solid relationship and then your own flesh and blood 

change it all? 

I envied these people, because they had everything in life I ever wanted, but looks

can be deceiving on the outside looking in. Wouldn't it be great if love could last 

forever? It can happen if we do not take the people we love for granted and always 

show them the love and respect that we had for them the first time we kissed them 

and our toes curled. People are people and when we find them they are doing 

and saying everything right. But, you have to realize when you live a life together

there will be bills, jobs and having to deal with the house and kids. People get 

bogged down with daily life and forget what is important to them. 

I am not going to date until I meet the right person and that person will become

an extension of myself and will compliment me as well as complete me. I know 

that there are couples out there that truly love and respect the one that they are 

with, but that is what it takes is respect for each other. There is no room in love for

fussing and fighting , because no one ever wins. Everyone has different opinions on

how things should be done, but there is also a thing called compromise. I will 

hold off on this since I need to put my career first. 

I know I am different from most women and because I don't fall for a wink of

a eye and a come on line. I would never want my man to cheat on me so I have

to respect that I do not date married men or men in relationships. I respect 

men that man up and take care of there families. I respect people that are 

always trying to perfect themselves and thrive to be all they can be, 

I know that guys think I go to the extreme in body building and feel I am 

just self centered and competitive but I want to be the best that I can be and

live to be 100, but not if I am sick. Should I get sick I would bow out gracefully 

and in the words of the Eagles " It's Your World Now" I love that song. 

I wished there was no sickness, no war, no hunger, a great economy and a job 

for everyone well enough to perform it. I wished there was no disasters 

and that everyone could live in harmony. In the words of Anne Murray 

We could use a little good news today.

     

Rantings

There are so many misconceptions  about me, about my life and who you think I am. 

Do you think you really know me? You don't know me at all. You think because I am 

smart that my life is easy, but it is not. I have to work on myself every single day and

every day I have to pray for knowledge, wisdom, understanding and strength to make

it through the day. I don't have all the answers and I have to pray for guidance.  My 

life is just that life and I have to make the best of it. I am one of those crazy ass bitches

that if I truly fall in love with a guy I will always love him.  I will stand by my man 

until the end of time. I will make him know that he is wanted, desired and I will 

leave mushy love notes every where. I want all this but it cannot be mine. I know 

it will never happen for me. I am not strong enough to break though the barriers of

your heart. 

I want to be yours and yours alone, but my work suffers from a distance and from 

where I stand it shall never be. I am a hopeless romantic and therefore I cannot 

get you out of my head but I must. I don't know why I write this you wouldn't 

get it I spray painted on your office window while hanging there buck ass 

naked  from a rope. OMG one of the signs I drank too much. 

BEDTIME GOODNIGHT 

My Life/With You/Without you

As I sit here wondering why I went out again? Why did I drink? 

My new life for now consist of going out with the girls drinking

until I I start my fellowship come September. I will have to go 

back and keep it together. I really have it bad for this guy, but

he is better off without me. 

I have to keep it together, although with him I am everything

and without him I am nothing. I have been so sad that things 

did not work out for us as I had hoped. I could only wish that 

he will know what I am going through without him. The

thoughts of what could of been cuts like a knife.

I wonder if he knows I am sitting here thinking of him this very

minute and have done so all night. That is a under statement 

and why I must try to move on and not think of him, this is why

I must get my head straight before returning to work. His memory 

lingers within me and oh how I need him, but he doesn't need me.

He has so much going on in his life and is a very special man,

a prince charming. 

Maybe someday when I don't have everything riding on keeping my 

head above water I can let him back into my thoughts and we 

can talk and I can think of him again, but for now I must marry my 

work. 

I dream of the day when this can come true, but I need for

him to fulfill all of his obligations and I mine before we could

ever happen. Then I will need a real love, someone who truly

loves me and will find my inward beauty and will love me 

for my mind. Someone who cannot exist without me. 

I WANT A NOTEBOOK LOVE

IN TIME MAYBE THERE WILL

BE SOMEONE FOR ME... 

I Believe (Rantings)

I am just a simple ordinary farm girl from the great state of GA (Go Dawgs) I can rope, ride horses of flesh and steel, but I strive for more. As a child I was not begged to do my homework, it was something I loved to do and it made me happy that my grades made the teacher happy. It has been a desire of mine to make other people happy, yet I have failed in finding what makes me happy. 

I was inspired by my parents to be creative and I was given many outlets to express myself. From drawing pictures on the wall in my room to racing dirt bikes from the time I was 3 to being taught to play the guitar and other string instruments. I was told I could be anything I wanted to be in life and so I believed it.  Now comes the hard part proving it. 

I have loved and been loved and there is nothing like it in the world. I hear parents tell there child you are not in love with (him or her) you are too young you don't know shit. This infuriates me and there child shall suffer and make them suffer in the long run by rebelling. Teens do fall in love and in fact adults could learn from this kind of love. The teens love far beyond how grown-up have the capacity to love. The adults have forgotten how to love and are going through the motions of being in love. The adults just say those three precious words with no actions behind them. I am so glad that my parents never told me I wasn't in love, but welcomed Jason with open arms. 

I get distracted from my work trying to find a love and make it work. I know that when it is really meant to be it will happen and there will be nothing I can do about it but reciprocate the love given to me and will do so with a glad heart. I have a romantic soul, but I also wear my heart on my sleeve. I tried online relationship, but it is very hard. I find that you can really put your heart on the line with the beautiful words of another and the words can touch you in a place that you never thought possible. But, still I find myself thinking of that person constantly and it clouds my thoughts and can effect my work.   My work is important to me and it completes me. It is who I am now. I use to love to define myself as a lady biker and I still am, but it can only free my soul and not pay my bills. To me my work really isn't work at all but an adventure, a purpose and defines who I am.    

I have always believed in God and although at times I know I have disappointed him, I know there is nothing I can do or achieve without him. The past few weeks that I have took to find myself I realized I was not alone for the Lord was there with me. I can do all things through him that comforts me, I am his child and nothing shall come between us. I needed a renewed faith. When we find ourselves deep in the valley with no tools to climb out on our own if we turn to the Lord, he shall bring us out of that valley and set us high upon that mountain once more. 

Without him I am nothing, but with him I am Everything   

Her Life

She bathe's herself with sunshine, to start a new day,

remembering not the past ,she is renewed in both body 

and soul as her spirit soars high above her to a divine 

plain.

A place where pain cannot  touch her anymore, where her

life is lived in harmony as happiness is her plight. living,

forgetting and forgiving is her quest, to achieve her

destiny her only desire.

She walks alone for now, for it must be, for she has so

much to conquer in life, love is just a fading memory 

of what might have been.

She is happy and reassured that she can have all she ever

wanted and it will be worth the wait, but for now her work 

will fulfill her every need and desire. She must not lose 

sight of the little people that love and depend on her

everyday.  

Written By 

Amber Wilson

10/21/2012