To Be Me

Sometimes it's incredible this overwhelming desire to just BE. I am growing softer lately I think -more open to my own vulnerability and more open to learning from my mistakes instead of just pointing at them all lined up like fallen soldiers in a war only I'm fighting. 

I'm listing to a lot of introspective music lately - or at least the sort of music that facilitates a lot of introspection. I'm having a hard time distinguishing between personal weaknesses and ego vulnerabilities lately. I am less and less patient with what I consider to be weakness - both from myself and with others but I am craving understanding - both from myself and for others. It's such a strange tight-rope I feel I'm walking. 

Lately I just want to BE. I imagine my life after finishing my fellowship. I know I will be leaving this "Big City of Baltimore" and returning to my Georgia home and my roots. I want to travel, yet I want to have roots. I want to fall in love,and I want to have one partner in every sense of the word. A soulmate, the man of my dreams. I want to make babies for the man I love and have a part of ourselves live on forever. I'm 28 so things need to fall in place for me soon. 

I feel like I need to have a funeral for dreams that never came true for Jason and I - to just let them go so I can focus on something more attainable like finishing school, having a fantastic practice and maintaining my great friendships and to make my farm a farm again, with livestock, my bees and maybe another dog or 2. 

I could be that fantastic Aunt Amber where my nephews and nieces when my brothers have them ;) They could come to visit me on my farm or far away cottage in some cozy European village someplace. I could have a wonderful life with the right person, come and go and have fantastic friends and art and dinner parties and live out my days taking up languages and traveling and maybe learning how to paint or draw or write books on how to live in the moment. 

Mostly I just want to learn how to BE. Maybe it's just not possible right now as I find myself fighting with myself and my beliefs as I go through school. I need to find the quiet moments every day to just remember who I really am deep down in my core.