Showing posts with label Self Help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self Help. Show all posts

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Letting Go 14 Days Clean and Sober



When I first started this blog ( Letting Go + Day's Clean and Sober) everyone assumed I think because they did not read the blog that I was a alcoholic or a drug addict, but thankfully I am not either. I understand addiction as a sickness and that can only dwell within us if we let it. My addiction was to Jason Taylor the love of my life and my soul mate that I lost in a motorcycle accident. I will not talk allot about Jason since I was able to go to his grave site a couple weeks ago and let go of our past. Yes, I was hopeful that I could start a future without his constant presence in my life. I must say I need to take one of the days off and make it 13 days since I fell off the wagon one day. But I did pick up where I left off the very next day.

I originally thought when I started this process that things would fall into place, but it has been hard. I had thought I could move on and start dating, but now I wonder if that will ever be? I have acted like fool and I have said things I should have never revealed to anyone.This is harder than I thought. I know I have no guarantee that this will ever work, yet I press on. But, I have to be 100% before I could even consider dating someone while my heart is still some where else. I don't know why? This is so stupid to hang on to nothingness. I know all of this is my fault since I wear my heart on my sleeve. After mama and Jason died so close together I thought I was a jinx? I realize that I may never be with anyone, and that is something I should get use to. I have made mistakes and I will never be perfect I know that. I have said it in the past, but I still don't think I did enough for mama and Jason in this lifetime and I will be punished the rest of my life.  

I wish I could say that this week was very productive, but I cannot. I am getting Jason off my mind a little more, but that is only opening door to worry about everything else in life. Please dear Lord help me I will never make it without you.


Monday, September 30, 2013

To Love Me



I have so much advice for others, but when it comes to me I haven't been living it. I bet you ask yourself "Why is this intelligent woman so messed up emotionally?" The answer is plain and simple I am a giver not a taker. I receive more by giving than receiving. I always have. For you see this has been one of the many anniversaries of mama and Jason's deaths. I can never get through it without living it all over again in my head. But, now I had a epiphany I know why I do this now. I know why I still love Jason the way I did so many years ago, I learned to love him more than myself. With me everything is about Jason and not me. I made a saint out of him. No one can compete with a saint. I suppose I will always love Jason I have no doubt of that, but I have to learn to love myself again. I need to put me first again, and I haven't for a long time.

I have went through the motions all this time. I lost my true identity out on that dark, desolate stretch of road the night Jason died. I put everything into my studies, my work, my career with no thought of being with anyone else. Yes, I tried to love another yet it deemed unsuccessful. I do love, I know how to love, but I love everyone but myself. Everyone knows that to be loved you first must learn to love yourself  first and foremost. I forgot how. Why? Because, I blame myself for Jason's passing. If only I had been riding out front maybe I would have saw that deer. If I hadn't had to stop at that service station to pee we would have missed that deer completely. I am constantly to this day going through all the would've, should've, could've, and if this would have a different ending. My answer now is NO!

I know now I cannot change the outcome. I never could. No amount of praying for God to take me would not or will not ever change the outcome of Jason being dead. He is DEAD!!! I am ALIVE!!! I have been living with survivors guilt for a long time, and I need to change that now. I have to find a way to love me again and know I am worthy of living and loving again. Looks can be deceiving- We can put on our fake smiles telling ourselves and everyone around us that we are fine when we are actually dying little by little each and everyday in front of there very eyes. They don't have a clue unless we ourselves reveal it to them.

I am through blaming myself for Jason's death when there was nothing I could do to save him. It was much easier to tell the people that didn't know him that he died of a rare form of brain cancer, than to tell them that he was decapitated on a farmers barbwire fence when he hit a deer on his bike. This is the graphic details that I live with daily. Still at night sometimes I am all alone out in that field holding just his body and telling him everything will be okay when I was a medical student at that time and knew better. I can't do anything for Jason I never could when I found his body and held him for 35 minutes until the paramedics came.

I have to stop this..and learn to love me again.    


Reiki Healing Health Benefits



One of the greatest Reiki healing health benefits is stress reduction and relaxation, which triggers the bodies natural healing abilities, and improves and maintains health. Reiki healing is a natural therapy that gently balances life energies and brings health and well being to the recipient.
This simple, non-invasive healing system works with the Higher Self of the Receiver to promote health and well being of the entire physical, emotional and psychic body. Therefore it is truly a system of attaining and promoting wholeness of Mind, Body and Spirit.

Reiki is a specific type of subtle energy work in which healing is performed by the touch of the hands, allowing the flow of the energy from a limitless source (God Force) to the patient via the Reiki practitioner. It is extremely powerful, yet gentle energy that can be easily channeled to yourself and others, just by intention.

Reiki healing is a pure energy form. When it is combined with the sincere Desire of the Healee, who is willing to effect a cleansing within their emotional and spiritual consciousness, a total healing can occur.


POTENTIAL HEALTH BENEFITS OF REIKI HEALING TREATMENTS
When the flow of the "Life Force Energy" is disrupted, weakened or blocked, emotional or health problems tend to occur. Imbalances can be caused from many situations occurring in our lives, such as: emotional or physical trauma, injury, negative thoughts and feelings, including fear, worry, doubt, anger, anxiety, negative self-talk, toxicity, nutritional depletion, destructive lifestyle and relationships, neglect of self and lack of love for oneself or others, from emotions that are not expressed in a healthy way...

Reiki is excellent for healing any physical, mental, emotional and spiritual issues of any kind and it gives wonderful results.

Some Of The Reiki Healing Health Benefits:
Creates deep relaxation and aids the body to release stress and tension,
It accelerates the bodies self-healing abilities,
Aids better sleep,
Reduces blood pressure
Can help with acute (injuries) and chronic problems (asthma, eczema, headaches, etc.) and aides the breaking of addictions,
Helps relieve pain,
Removes energy blockages, adjusts the energy flow of the endocrine system bringing the body into balance and harmony,
Assists the body in cleaning itself from toxins,
Reduces some of the side effects of drugs and helps the body to recover from drug therapy after surgery and chemotherapy,
Supports the immune system,
Increases vitality and postpones the aging process,
Raises the vibrational frequency of the body,
Helps spiritual growth and emotional clearing

When we are relaxed, stress-free, we are able to restore our natural ability to heal.

Long term practice of whole-body reiki will restore the general condition of the body. It will open the energy channels and this will allow the body to deal properly and naturally with stress and build-up toxins and cope with anxiety and depression.

When a person is in good health, regular therapy will increase the bodies built-in defenses. This will manifest itself as confidence and outward harmony in dealing with everyday events. The person will gain a positive outlook on life.

Reiki will also provide additional energy required to recover from illness.

A Reiki healing session can induce an extremely comfortable state of being that can bring alteration in the clients consciousness.

If used with other natural therapies (meditation, crystals, aroma therapy, Bach Flower remedies, homeopathy, etc.) Reiki will reinforce their effect.

It can be used also as complementary therapy, because Reiki is truly a complementary care. It complements and enhances the health care the patient receives in the hospital or from other health care providers.

Reiki healing complements Eastern and Western medicine and everybody can benefit from it.It is beneficial to the health of woman (even pregnant), man, children and it is also excellent to be used on animals (dogs, cats, horses), plants, water, etc.

Reiki healing energy is a tool for use at any moment, any time, any where for on-the-spot stress release, pain relief and quick energy.


ABOUT THE USUI SYSTEM OF REIKI HEALING
This natural healing modality originates in Tibet. The name "Reiki" (rey-key)comes from the technique as re-discovered by Dr. Mikao Usui, a Japanese Buddhist in the early 20th century.

"Re" means "Universal" and it is a general term for spirit or unseen spiritual quality, which serves as channel for "Ki" or "Life Force Energy" (some call it God, Buddha, Chi, Qi, Prana, Love Energy, or similar). It relates to the superior, all-encompassing cosmic energy from which all other minor energies in the universe draw their power. Everything in the Universe is made up from energy particulars which form the Omniscient, All-Knowing Blueprint for Creation. The Vital Living Energy Force comes in different manifestations of energy and one of these being the frequencies in which Reiki was born.

The Usui System of Natural Healing teaches us also the "Secret Art" of "Inviting Happiness" into one's life which can be achieved by working with the Five Reiki Ideals and the Three Degrees of Attunements. The Five Reiki Ideals help us realize that improving oneself is an essential part of Reiki healing.


HOW REIKI HEALING ENERGY WORKS?
The body is more than just a collection of functioning parts. Since everything generates a frequency, the body and its organs have their own energy field which is continually changing. All conditions of disease are rooted in this energy system. If our "life force" is low or blocked, we are more likely to get sick. But if it is high and flowing freely, we can maintain our health and well being.

Reiki Healing Energy provides means to balance the human energy fields (Auras) and energy centers (Chakras) to create conditions needed for the bodies healing system to function.

The Reiki practitioner assists the client to heal themselves spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically by a simple laying on of hands. By the use of ancient healing symbols the practitioner channels the Universal Life Force energy allowing it to flow where is needed to bring the energy centers into alignment.

The Reiki practitioner must be a clear vessel through which the healing energy flows. He/She plays an instrumental part in the healing process, but ultimately it is up to the healee to manifest harmony and balance in their own life.



  • DISCLAIMER: This Blog was created in order to share the information about the wonderful health benefits of the Reiki Healing Energy. It is therefore for educational purposes. Please note, that Reiki is not a substitute for medical care. Information on this site are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.You should consult with the appropriate health practitioner in case of any medical condition.



Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Finishing Things 10 Tips



Everyone says I am creative, yet I never finish many things I start. It is a bad habit of mine to start another project before I though with one what I have already started. This became clear to me when I was showing my friend John a quilt I have been working on for 5 years for my daddy. I know I have excuses a plenty, I was sick, I had no time as a resident, work etc. Yet, I need to finish something before I start something else.Plain and simple. I was so proud of my work on the quilt the love I put into each stitch, but explaining how long it has taken me and the fact that it is not padded really put me to shame.This is someone I really look up to and his opinions matter to me, yet I was showing one of my human flaws not finishing what I started. So I have went out and purchased the padding and I hope to start on it soon to have it ready for daddy for Christmas.

Do you have a habit of starting projects, but not finishing them?
It might be the new business you want to start but you’re still writing through the business plan. It might be the album which you want to launch but you’re still composing the songs. It might be the book which you want to finish writing but you’re still stuck in the early chapters.
If you have been taking action and working on your goals, that’s a big achievement and you should be proud of yourself! Getting started is your first step to realizing your goals.
However, if you have a habit of starting many new things but not finishing them, that’s something to look into. Many people get stuck in the thinking but not doing phase, and that’s not good because your goals won’t magically get completed without you taking action.
Completing a project successfully takes proper planning and conscious action. If you have ever embarked on a project, you’d know that every goal/project comes with its own set of challenges which are not visible when you first start.
Personally, I embark on many projects in the course of running my business and pursuing my personal goals, and I have a good body of experience on how to successfully take projects from start to completion. Here are my 10 best tips on how to finish the projects you have started:


1. Be selective in what you embark on

When you start on a project (especially if it’s a big scale one), be sure that this is something you are passionate about and you want to see through. Personally I don’t start something unless I’m absolutely sure that I’m interested in it.
I have embarked on things which I was half-interested in in the past, for example learning tennis or learning Japanese. Eventually I stopped them mid-way. This resulted in waste of time and resources which could have been better utilized elsewhere. Because of that, I’m more conscious of how I utilize my time and energy today. If you set a high threshold on what you want to do, the completion rate is also higher.
If you aren't sure that this is something you really want to do, you can dip your feet into the pool first – try it out on a small scale and see if it’s what you’re interested in. For example, if you’re interested in starting a business, read up on it first. If you’re keen to be a writer, try a personal writing project (NaNoWriMo is a good place to start) or getting some freelance work. Another way is to sit on it for a few weeks. If you keep thinking about it every day for weeks, then you should probably give it a go-ahead.

2. Estimate the resources you need

In companies they do resource planning, where they estimate how much resources is needed for a project. After which, they plan out the manpower and investment accordingly. For us, that means doing a quick plan on how much time and effort this idea will take, so we can have a bird’s eye view.
It doesn't have to be exhaustive. Just a quick outline will help. The point is to have something that guides you.
For example Live a Better Life in 30 Days Program is a sizable project which took me about 6 good weeks to complete. When I first started working on it, my first step wasn't to dive in and write as many words as I could. That’s sort of like running a marathon by dashing right at the start. It’s not going to work and it’s just going to burn you out before you even get anywhere!
Rather, I created a simple, skeletal outline of the key tasks of the project, which were (1) Create outline of the book (2) Put together the raw content (3) Collate pictures, select quotes, etc (4) Evaluate and Rewrite the materials (5) Cover and interior book design (6) Creating the sales page and graphics (7) Tidy up all the details (8) Marketing (9) Final launch preparation.
With the raw outline done, then I broke it down into smaller tasks by each section, starting with the first – creating the outline. I then moved to the other sections. Having this skeletal outline gives me a bird’s eye view on what needs to be done, so I can prepare myself accordingly. This then brings to the next point in resource planning.

3. Budget your time and energy accordingly

After you create your outline, you should have a realistic idea of how much time and effort is needed to complete it. Plan out your time and resources accordingly and integrate them into your schedule/to-do list. Block out time in your calendar for the project. Give yourself some buffer as well, in case of contingencies.
A big reason for loss of enthusiasm or energy is when people underestimate the amount of work needed to bring the goal to life. I remember last year, I started on a book project which never saw the light of the day. I dove straight in without any plan, thinking that if I kept writing for one to two weeks, it would eventually be finished. I spent countless days and nights just writing, but it never got anywhere after months. In the end, I was getting new ideas on new things to do, and it was time to move on to other projects.
Looking back, the biggest reasons why it was never completed was because (a) I underestimated the work required (b) I was being too hung up about unimportant details (see #4 on perfectionism). That led to unnecessary rewriting, which prevented me from moving forward. To this day the book still sits in my computer. I might get to it in the future, but not now as I've many things which I’m more interested to work on.
Good planning of resources help you plan out your energy and expectations. You know you have to put in X hours and X work to get the final output, so you’ll manage yourself appropriately to achieve your desired outcome. That’ll lead to a higher project success rate.

4. Quit being a perfectionist

How many of us keep delaying work because we want to get it just right? I’m all for perfectionism and getting the best output, but if your desire for perfectionism is preventing you from getting things done, I think it’s good to challenge it. If you’re stalled at a stage of the project and you keep revising it again and again, park it for a later stage and move on to a new part. Return to it later on and see it with fresh eyes. You might notice that what you were hung up about really isn't that big of a deal. Also, constantly referring to your outline (step #2) is also helpful in getting perspective. Your objective is to finish the project, so keep your eyes on the prize.
If your perfectionism is preventing you from even getting started, try these two tips: First, break the task into many little steps, then focus on one part at the time. If you still put it off after breaking it down, then break it down even further into mini pieces. Soon, you’ll be left with such a simple task that you’ll be wondering what was keeping you from doing it from before! The second tip is to give yourself the permission to do a draft version. Meaning, there’s no need to get it done right the first time. Just creating a draft, even if it’s a crappy one, is better than if you didn't do anything at all. Get started and things will roll on from there.

5. Commit to it

Once you start, commit to it. Whatever you have planned, do them. Give yourself the option to exit a project if it’s really not in line with your vision (see #9), but otherwise hold yourself to your word.
Last month I was overseas in Hong Kong for a conference and a business meeting. While I was there, my friends asked me if I wanted to go sightseeing during the weekday evenings and weekends. I rejected the offer because I was working on the 30DLBL program and it was falling behind my personal timeline. I knew if I were to go out for the week, the book would never be completed on time, because (a) there was a lot of work to be done and (b) I had other projects lined up after 30DLBL. I wouldn't feel happy at all while I was out because I wasn’t being true to myself. Finishing the book was about my commitment to myself and also to my readers out there who would truly benefit from it. Sightseeing was something I could always do in a separate time – it was not big of a deal.
Likewise for you, ask yourself what’s more important to you – Going out to party for the weekend or to work on that business you’ve been meaning to set-up? The former might bring you some temporal gratification, but the latter is what truly gives you satisfaction. The rewards you get from doing the latter are rewards which you’ll continue to reap long afterwards.

6. Connect with your end vision

You might have experienced this. Whenever you begin on a new project, you’re full of energy and enthusiasm. Then when you get into the thick of things, this energy fades away, bit by bit. You’re still excited about the overall project, but you’re not so hyped about the nitty gritty tasks that come as part of the work. After all, it’s the beautiful house that you seek at the end, not all the brick laying and cementing work.
But all the brick laying and cementing work IS part of what makes that beautiful house in the end. Every little bit you’re doing now counts toward realizing that end vision. It’s just easy to lose sight of that because you’re caught up in the daily micro-tasks that keep coming, one after another.
The problem here is your end vision is slipping away from you, so just bring it back in sight (both physically and mentally). Surround yourself with anything that’s reminds you of your end goal, such as your vision board, pictures of others who have achieved the same goal, objects that represent the goal, etc. For example, one of my clients has a goal to get a Cadillac one day, so he bought a small toy Cadillac model from Walmart which he puts in front of his desk. In front of my work desk is my life map, an inspiring quote of the moment and pictures of my top goals, and these continuously remind me of my end vision, in a conscious and subconscious manner. That’s environmental reinforcement at work and it’s very effective because it’s effortless on your part.
Creating a mock-up of what you’re doing (where applicable) is extremely helpful too. When I was working on 30DLBL program in word processor in the past, I would regularly export it into a pdf and scan through it. This small action reinvigorates me, since the pdf mock-up draws the immediate link between how what I’m doing now contributes to the end output. If you’re working on a blog/website, then preview the site as it’d look to the readers. If you’re working on a computer program, then run it and test it as a user.

7. Follow the path of highest enjoyment

I found one of the easiest and most effortless ways to complete my projects is to be flexible in my project management approach. In Steps #2 and #3, I mentioned creating an outline of what needs to be done, section by section, step by step. Now, most people will finish the tasks in sequential order. Task 1 comes first, followed by Task 2, then Task 3, etc. Sounds straight forward and easy, doesn't it?
I did this for a long time until I realized it wasn't the most effective method. For example, some days I would feel like doing Task 3, but if I follow the project timeline, I had to do Task 1 before I could get to Task 2 then 3. The thought of having to do 1 and 2 first was a downer. This would slow down the project… eventually reaching a halt because it stopped being fun. Working on the goal felt like a hollow activity.
On the other hand, when I give myself flexibility over what to do (while maintaining within the confines of the project), working on the project becomes like a big adventure. For example for 30DLBL program, I created the sales page and the cover design before I started on the book, even though these were the later tasks in the outline. Because I was inspired to work on them, the output came readily. The cover design was finished in the same evening, while a good portion of the sales page was finished in that same session. It was extremely fun the whole time I was working on it and it felt effortless. Subsequently, after finishing them, I then picked the next task I wanted to work on, then proceeded from there.
This approach makes me feel like I’m in a candy store and I get to pick whatever candy I want. It excites me because there’s an element of choice. I also give myself freedom to drop a particular task, move to another one, and come back when I feel like working on it again. Essentially, as long as I’m working on the goal, I’m progressing. So, it doesn't matter whether there’s something that’s not completed – it’s just temporary. And because I’m excited about it, ideas flow readily and I work faster too.
I refer to this as the path of highest enjoyment – doing what makes you feel happiest at the moment. When you do so, you automatically become productive in your work. Try this out and see how it works for you.
Here’s a related post I wrote in 2009 on how I feel self discipline is overrated: Self Discipline is Overrated

8. Track your progress

Tracking your progress helps you understand how you’re doing and gives you a target to reach. This makes it easier to keep up with your momentum. Create a project sheet that records your targets and your current status. Specify key performance indicators (KPIs) that you want to achieve. If your goal is to lose weight, your KPIs will invariably be your weight, your fat percentage, and perhaps your performance during your exercise sessions (example – the distance covered in 30 minutes, how many weights you lifted, and the like). If your goal is to start a business, your KPIs may be your weekly customers, revenue and net income.
Every week, review your progress. What % of your end goal have you achieved? Is it on track against your target? Why or why not? What are the key things to do next? What is your target for the next week? Tracking makes you accountable to your goal and helps you to stay on track.

9. Celebrate what you've done so far

Sometimes we get discouraged with all the things that need to be done. It seems like no matter how much time we spend, it’s impossible to finish it. The amount of work overwhelms us and we opt out halfway.
Here’s the thing – Everything you've done so far IS an accomplishment! Many of us tend to emphasize on the last finishing task as the most important task, but really, all that you've done and what you’re doing now contributes toward the final product. So celebrate it. Give yourself a huge pat on the back and a big bear hug. Celebrate the process, the resting, the doing, the completion, everything. Take the opportunity to recharge and regroup. When you’re ready, continue on to with what you’re doing. You’re really doing a fantastic job.

10. Don’t force it if it’s really not working out

Sometimes, it just happens that you lose interest in the goal. It happens, and it’s normal. We change, our interests change, and we get new ideas and inspiration the whole time. Some people may feel it’s a waste of their efforts if they do something and don’t complete it, so they push themselves to go on.
Personally, I think it depends on the situation. I think whatever efforts you've put into the situation is already a sunk cost, and it shouldn't factor into your decision of whether to continue doing it or not. The things that should influence your decision are (1) the benefits you will reap (2) the costs involved (future time, effort, resources that are needed). If it’s really not working out for you, then I recommend you drop it and move on to the next thing. Spending more time (and energy) on it is just a big waste. Considering you have no desire to do it anymore, you’re expending a lot of energy just to overcome that resistance! Think of it as dragging a car up a hill. For all that energy you spend battling your resistance, you can already use it constructively on something else.
It might seem like a big waste dropping all that’s done, but it’s not big of a deal. You are creatively capable of achieving a lot more than you realize. What you've done so far is just a small speck of what you can achieve. Trying to hold on to what you've done just prevents more goodness from coming your way.
I adopt the drop-and-go approach a lot with my work. For the 400 over articles you see here, there are actually about 100 half-written articles that have not seen the light of the day (yet). Some of them are 10% complete, some 30% complete, and some about half done. When I started out, I would make sure that I finish every article I start. Subsequently, it led to a lot of wasted time and effort in rewriting (and rewriting, and rewriting) whenever I tried to complete an article which I had lost inspiration for. On the other hand, when I follow my inspiration, the work is just effortless. (point #7)
You might ask: Wouldn't all the work that went into writing the posts (halfway) go to waste? Not at all. They all add to my 10,000 hours of experience. I learn from writing them, and this learning will come in handy for my future posts.
Give yourself the permission to drop what you’re doing if it’s not working out, and you might just find many new things coming your way straight after that. Read: Quitting To Win
Of course, don’t just start dropping every single thing you’re doing now just because you lose interest. It’s a benefits vs. costs equation. If it’s almost done (99% completion), and the benefits from pushing through that final 1% far outweigh the costs, then go ahead and get it done. It’s a judgment call that you make from weighing out the benefits and costs.
Apply the Tips
Review the 10 tips above – How can you apply these tips in the project you’re currently working on? Write down your answers and start acting on them.
Bookmark this guide because it’ll come in handy in the future. When you’re starting on a new project, use this list as a guide. If you feel burnt out mid-way, apply the tips and it’ll help you to swing forward.
If you found this guide helpful, do share it via Twitter and like it on Facebook. Let’s share it to those who can benefit from it.



Sunday, September 15, 2013

8 WAYS TO REFRESH YOUR RELATIONSHIP




When was the last time you made an effort to refresh your relationship? While they shouldn’t be hard work all the time, every relationship could benefit from a little TLC every now and again, and I don’t just mean Valentine’s Day. Want to know what relationship counselors advise? Here are their top tips on how to refresh your relationship…
1. COMMUNICATION…

Yep, so we all know communication is important. There’s more to just being around each other, though. Do you have regular times to sit and talk things over? Do you have tried-and-tested ways to explain your problems, worries, fears and dreams to each other? Make sure you keep the lines of communication open, and you’ll effortlessly refresh your relationship.


2. REFLECT AND REPEAT…

Every now and then, look back through some of your happiest memories together. Been on a great holiday? Share the snaps, recall your memories and enjoy the closeness it creates. Then get online and see if you can find a great deal to go back there, and repeat the experience!


3. LEAVE A MESSAGE…

When was the last time you left a cute message in his suit, or he made your favorite meal? Leaving love messages might seem childish, but it’s a great way to throw yourself back into those first fires of love, and show that you know what each other likes too. It doesn’t have to be a big gesture, either – just ordering their favorite take-away instead of yours, or writing in lipstick on the mirror will do the trick.


4. MAKE EVERYDAY CHORES FUN…

Cleaning and everyday stresses can be a big trigger for arguments. Relieve some of that build-up and break routine by doing mundane household things together every once in a while. Cooking a new recipe? Do it together. Having a bath? Get out two towels, and both jump in. You are guaranteed to be laughing by the end of it.


5. DRESS UP…

When was the last time you thought you looked your absolute best? It’s easy to get stuck in a rut of wearing cleaning clothes, work clothes, painting clothes…so agree to a date, and properly dress up. Get your partner to do the same. You will feel a huge surge of confidence, and get a great night out to boot.


6. MIX IT UP…

Want to feel closer and get fit? Invest in a sex game or guide. The Kama Sutra is packed with positions that you won’t have tried (and there are helpful apps if you’d prefer!) or get playing a game. You could even invest in some erotic fiction, or a sexy film. You can try something new, exercise and bond, all at the same time.


7. DOWN TIME…

Don’t forget to spend some time on your own, too. And I don’t mean while shopping, looking after the kids or driving to work! An hour or so a week to spend as you please is essential for your mental health, and studies show it leads to less arguments and tensions, too. Read a book, go for a walk, have an extra-long hot bath, go out to eat, see a film…the choice is yours.


8. MASSAGE…

Learn to give each other massages. There’s a whole range of ways to learn, including apps, books, DVDs and courses, and they’ll show you how to do everything from relaxing massages to intimate massages and head massages. Then practice on each other regularly, to maintain physical contact and build intimacy.


These ways to refresh your relationship are designed to be easy to implement and not take up too much time, but have clear results too – and it’s a great way to make sure your relationship stays on the right track. Got a tip for feeling closer to your partner? I’d love to hear it!



Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Self Pity



Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
― John Gardner


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

14 Lessons From Benjamin Franklin About Getting What You Want In Life

I feel it is perfect, at least in the situation I am in right now !!! Read it 

Here are 14 action-inducing lessons from him: 

Less Talk, More Action 

  • 1.“Well done is better than well said.”
Talk is cheap. Talking about a project won't get it completed. We all know people who constantly talk about the things they are going to do but rarely ever take that first step. Eventually people begin to question their credibility. Taking action and seeing the task through to completion is the only way to get the job done.

  • 2. Don’t Procrastinate 
“Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.”
This is probably one of the first quotes I remember hearing as a teenager. With an impressive list of achievements to his credit, Benjamin Franklin was not a man hung up on procrastination. He was a man with clear measurable goals who worked hard to turn his vision into reality. What are you putting off till tomorrow that could make a difference in your life today?
Be Prepared 
  • 3. “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”

You need a plan to accomplish your goals. Charging in without giving any thought to the end result and how to achieve it, is a sure way to fall flat on your face. Think like a boy scout. Have a realistic plan of attack and a systematic approach for getting where you need to be.
Don’t Fight Change 
  • 4. “When you're finished changing, you're finished.”

Whilst many of us don’t like change, others thrive on it. Either way change is inevitable. The stronger we fight against it, the more time and energy it consumes. Give up the fight. Focus on proactively making positive changes, instead of having change merely thrust upon you. Wherever possible, try to view change as a positive instead of a negative.
Get Moving 
  • 5. “All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.”
There’s a reason we use the expression, movers and shakers. Movers are the ones who take action, the people who get things done, while the immovable are sitting around scratching their heads wondering how others could possibly be so successful. Which group do you want to belong to?
Avoid Busywork 

  • 6. “Never confuse motion with action.”
We are always running around doing things. We rush from one meeting or event to the next, sometimes without achieving a great deal. At the end of the day, how much of our busywork are we proud of? How much of that running around improves anyone’s life (including ours) for the better? Make your motion mean something.
  • 7. Give Yourself Permission to Make Mistakes 
“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.”
If we fear making mistakes, we become scared to try new things. Fear leaves us nestled in our comfort zone. Staying in your comfort zone rarely leads to greatness. Taking risks and giving yourself permission to make mistakes, will ultimately lead you to whatever your version of success may be.
  • 8. Act Quickly on Opportunities 
“To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions.”
Opportunities are everywhere. The trick is being quick enough and smart enough to seize them when they arise. Instead of jumping to the conclusion that something won’t work or can’t be done, allow yourself the freedom to ask what if?
  • 9.Continue to Grow 
“Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.”
We all have vices of some description. The key is to keep them under control or preferably eradicate them entirely. Be kind to those around you, whether they are neighbors, family, co-workers or friends. Never accept that you have finished growing as a person.
Keep Going 

  • 10. “Diligence is the mother of good luck.”
Have you ever looked at a successful entrepreneur or business person and thought how lucky they are? Most of the time, luck has nothing to do with it. Hard work and sacrifice on the other hand have everything to do with it. Successful people deal with failure. They tackle their demons head on. They pick themselves up and keep going.
  • 11. Know Yourself 
“There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one's self.”
Understanding ourselves is not easy. Sometimes we just don’t want to see ourselves for who we really are. It’s much easier to hold onto a romanticized version of ourselves or to simply view ourselves through other people’s eyes. Start by being brutally honest with yourself. Follow through with understanding, compassion and acceptance.
  • 12. Don’t Self-Sabotage 
“Who had deceived thee so often as thyself?”
We spend so much time worrying about other people hurting us, yet fail to comprehend the damage we inflict on ourselves. If you are using negative self-talk, lying to yourself or indulging in addictive behavior you are self-sabotaging. Life can dish up enough challenges without us adding to the mix. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you would a best friend.
Don’t Give Up 

  • 13. “Energy and persistence conquer all things.”
Achieving our goals can be downright exhausting. There will be days when you want to give up. There will be times when your energy levels flatline and you wonder why you bother getting out of bed. Yet you push forward, day after day because you believe in yourself and you have the determination and strength to back up that belief.
  • 14.Wise Up 
“Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.”
Benjamin was definitely onto something with this one. Who hasn’t had the thought - I wish I could know then, what I know now? Unfortunately there is no time machine; there is no going back. The key is to wise up as early as you can to start forging a life of purpose, achievement and happiness.



Monday, July 29, 2013

Stress Free Week



There seems to be a week set aside for everything. This week is put stress aside week. The picture caught my attention, but the subject stress is indeed a worthy one to address. Personally since my surgery most of my personal anxieties have disappeared. Of course job angst is a big one, but  health issues take center stage. I wish there was a magic pill to relieve us from all types of stress but of course we know there isn't. Some people handle it well some of us do not. Hope you're one of the former.



Thursday, June 27, 2013

Perfection: What really is the Appeal?



I've been asking myself this lately...why are we so drawn to perfection? To being perfect?

We want our perfect houses, and perfect lives, and perfect relationships, and perfect bodies, and perfect eating habits....the list goes on.

But really, what is really the appeal of trying to be perfect? Is is so we can lord our accomplishments over others? Does it make us feel better about our imperfections and our insecurities?

I'm totally drawn to wanting to be perfect. And I'm not really sure why.

I mean, hypothetically, even if such "perfection" could be achieved, would I really want it? Who really wants to be friends with a perfect person?

Striving to be that perfect person is such an empty endeavor. It makes me think about Ecclesiastes. Solomon achieved and experienced everything the world had to offer. Yet, it was meaningless.

I want to be authentic, not perfect.

I want to love people and give grace more freely. I want to embrace the imperfections which make me unique and beautiful. I want to make others feel more important than me, rather than making myself feel more important than others. I want to devote my time and energy to helping others, rather than helping myself.

Ahh...life goals.


Sunday, June 23, 2013

5 Point Plan To Lean, Strong and Fearless For Life



If you had to run from one end of an airport to another to catch a plane while wearing heels and carrying your bags, could you physically do it? Do you have enough "body dollars" in your "bank" to do it?
Some random facts:
  • On average, 1/3 of the people on any given flight cannot fit through the emergency door.
  • For mortality/morbidity calculations for safety reasons, the FAA assumes women to be 150 pounds and men to be 170
  • Icelandic Airways has actual interviews for people who want an exit-row seat. They want to make sure that they're putting the fittest people there. Who's sitting in your exit row? Chances are it's somebody who needs the extra room, not the fittest person on the plane (who would presumably be the most helpful in an emergency)
  • Receptors for neurotransmitters are now believed to be found all over the body, not just in the brain. This makes the mind and body one entity.
  • Mice that were physically active actually created baby brain cells - neurogenesis. This has been replicated in human studies (from what little I know it has. Search for neurogenesis and exercise).
  • When women/secretaries first got computers, they gained 15 pounds per year. This was due to the lack of walking around to find people, filing, bending over, lifting heavy documents. etc.
The 5 Point Plan
Mind
Women are hard-wired to scan around rooms and be alert at all times (example: even if you've never had a child, your body reacts when you hear a child crying). We ruminate a lot on what others think - when walking into a gym, do you look around to see if you're the fattest one there? If you're the best dressed? Lifting the most? Running the fastest? If you said no, I know you're lying =)
Women's brains secrete less serotonin than men so we go for foods that will raise it - chocolate, starch, fat, salt, and sugar. You have to be aware of this.
Our stress hormones actually decrease when we're in a food coma. That's why it feels so good.
Mouth
Eat 5 colors a day (and no, eating Skittles doesn't count!) - 5 colors of vegetables. The deeper the color is, the more anti-oxidants it has.
Eat every 3-4 hours (about 500 calories each) with small meals in between (100-200 calories each). If you wait until you're really hungry you're going to overeat because you'll eat fast and not realize you're full. It takes about 20 minutes for your stomach to tell your brain that you're full. Think about that. Most people's meals don't even last that long!
Muscle
Physical activity is non-negotiable. Most of us sit on our asses 8 hours a day, we're not from the hay-lifting generation anymore. It's not a part of our lives.
If you're not lifting weights, start. No excuses.
Breast cancer, heart disease, diabetes all take 15 years to develop. Prevention starts NOW.
Money
As sad as it is, you need money to be fit. Healthy food costs more than junk food. (See previous post.) Sneakers cost money. Gym membership costs money. Get your money in order!
Macrocosm
You can't take care of yourself if your life isn't set. You need to be organized (at least mentally organized, if not physically). You need to go food shopping once a week and not just on demand so you buy junk food. Put all your gym stuff in one area so it's easy to get to. Less clutter, be it mental or physical, is less stress.


Friday, June 21, 2013

Love After Death: The Widows’ Romantic Predicaments



"Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more." The Beatles

"I can't live if living is without you." Mariah Carey

"A widow's refusal of a lover is seldom so explicit as to exclude hope." 
Samuel Richardson

All of us have romantic predicaments; widows (and widowers) seem to have even more. Should they actively search for another lover? And if they find another lover, while still loving their late spouse, how can these two lovers reside together in their hearts? For widows, is loving again worth the effort of having to adjust to another person? And is widowhood the proper time to fall in love again?

The end of love and death 
For many people, romantic love forms an essential aspect of their lives; without love, life may seem worthless, devoid of meaning. Romantic love is a central expression of a good, meaningful, and flourishing life. Without love and desire, many people feel that a large part of them is dead. The lover is perceived to be "the sunshine of my life," and for many, without such sunshine, decay and death are all around.

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Even in one of the darkest period of history, the Holocaust, people fell in love despite the risks of expressing it. People did not relinquish love, and love even enabled some of them to survive the horror and death around them.

Death is perceived to be associated with love in various ways. Thus, romantic breakups are often described as a kind of death. In the words of Dusty Springfield, after such breakup," Love seems dead and so unreal, all that's left is loneliness, there's nothing left to feel." Personal relationships without love are also often associated with death. We speak about "dead marriages" (there is even an internet site entitled, "Married but not dead"), "cold husbands," and "frigid wives."

Since love is perceived to be the essence of life, the end of love can cause some people to wish to end life as well, to sacrifice their life or to kill others for love. In The Name of Love, men kill their wives and commit suicide when their wives intend to leave them. The French famously refer to orgasm as "la petite morte," or "the little death." Once orgasm is reached, it is in a sense the end of the loving experience preceding it, and hence it a little death. Similarly, it was claimed that "All animals are sad after sex."

The widow's new romantic situation
Is the human heart large enough to encompass more than one romantic love? There is ample evidence that this is possible, both in the diachronic sense of loving one person after another, and in the synchronic sense of having two lovers at the same time. Widows' love involves indeed both aspects. Their love to two people is more complex given the continuing impact of bereavement, even years after the loss. The widow's ongoing relationship and bond to the deceased remains a central aspect in her life. She has to cope not merely with the new situation of loving two men at the same time, but also with the shift in the way she has loved her deceased husband: a shirt from a relationship with a person with a physical companion who provides active support and love to one who is no longer alive and cannot be active in her life. 

In the Romantic Ideology, profound love should last forever. The end of love is taken to indicate that it was superficial in the first place. Contrary to this view, love can perish for various reasons that arise from changes in intrinsic or extrinsic circumstances; such changes do not necessarily indicate that initial love was superficial. It is true that profound love is less likely to perish, but it can perish nevertheless. Hence, there is no reason to assume that one's heart is not big enough to include several genuine loves in one's life.

The death of a spouse places the widow in a new situation, which has similarities to other situations in which love ends; nevertheless, widowhood has unique aspects. Whether a relationship is average, as most relationships are, or very good or very bad, the ending of any personal relationship changes one's circumstances. In most of cases of widowhood, if there was a positive attitude toward the spouse during his lifetime, this is enhanced. This is due both to the tendency to idealize the past and to our sense of propriety in not speaking ill of the dead. Although the late spouse is physically absent, the widow's love for him can remain and even grow.

New widows (and widowers) face a range of circumstances in which their decisions are likely to be different. Here I will discuss three such central circumstances: (a) adapting to a new love while still loving the late spouse; (b) tending to avoid a new marriage or relationship, as it doesn't seem worth the effort; and (b) falling in love with another man almost immediately. (Most of the claims presented here apply to widowers as well.)

Adapting to a new lover
The case of a widow's love for a new person is different to that which pertains when a regular love affair occurs after a previous one has ended. This is especially so if at the time of the spouse's death, both partners shared a profound love. In this case, the survivor's love does not die with the spouse's death.

The love felt for the late spouse is likely to increase in light of the prevailing idealization of the relationship and of the spouse. Although a new love might physically replace the previous one, from a psychological viewpoint the widow will now love two people at the same time. Her love expresses the nonexclusive nature of love more than it does its replaceable nature. Thus, one widow writes: "'Second love' is different, but it's very good. I will always love and miss my late husband. It's really hard to understand sometimes how I can go from tears for my late husband into smiling and thinking of my new guy. There's an odd ‘divide'. I love both of them, one here and one gone." It seems that we are blessed with a heart that is very flexible and can accommodate various people at the same time.

Consider the following sincere description (which appears on the site Widow's Voice) by Janine, a widow, about her feelings toward her new lover.

"I had only loved one person in my whole life... And he had only fallen in love once. We both had that love for over 27 years... When C came along and we started dating, it was different. I knew things would be different because he was not Jim. But I didn't know that love would feel different. And so as we became more serious and had deeper feelings for one another, I started to worry. A lot. I questioned myself and my feelings. Because this did not feel the same. I wasn't experiencing the feelings that I had 27 years ago. I wasn't feeling that ‘if I don't see him today I think I'll die' emotion. I wasn't feeling that I was falling more in love each day. I wasn't feeling that my heart would burst from how much love I had for him. I didn't wake up each morning almost counting the hours until we'd be together again. So I wondered if I truly loved him. I stressed a lot over this, not wanting to give up on the relationship, but wondering if I was being fair to him if this truly wasn't love. It's hard to express how much pain I was in. He loved me a lot, but although I was not sure that it was love for me, I not willing to stop seeing him. I thought I was being selfish. Or worse... maybe I was settling. And [then after talking to another widow] I began to realize that the way I was loving this second time was ‘normal'. And that I had to let go of my expectations. How could this love feel the same as my first love? I was younger then. We were both worry-free. We had no children. We really didn't have many bills. We had no jobs. We had time. We had freedom. We had youth. We had only each other. And we had a long future ahead of us. ... It's 27 years later. I have 6 children. I have bills... I have a dead husband... I have a scarred heart. I am in a different place. Love after love will not feel the same. But that doesn't mean that it's not love."

The important lesson to be drawn from Janine's moving description is that love can be different; looking for the same love with another partner can be devastating, as no two people are identical. It is not wrong that your new love is different from the previous one. Realizing the difference in circumstance enables a widow not to feel that she is compromising or settling. Despite the fact that her late husband raised the bar very high, she may believe that here there is now a different bar. In a sense, the new lover brings the widow back to life. As Annabel, a widow, said to her friend who ignited in her the desire to make love: "Thank you for bringing me back to life."

The widow faces the challenge of entering into a new and meaningful spousal relationship without letting the former relationship be forgotten or denied. In a recent study, by Bar-Nadav and Rubin, comparing the issues facing bereaved and non-bereaved women when they enter new relationships after a long-term one has ended, the bereaved experienced themselves as having changed more, but it was the non-bereaved who reported greater meaning in life and saw their life change as the more positive. The growth experienced by the non-bereaved at this stage of life is likely to be less conflicted and more positive, and while the growth of the bereaved remains present and distinct, it lags behind that of their peers...

Bar-Nadav and Rubin argue that the experience of loss and its aftermath are reflected in the fact that widows feel greater hesitancy than their peers do about engaging in intimacy with new partners. These concerns about intimacy arise from the anxiety that they might lose someone again, their fear of opening up to new relationships, and their concerns about not maintaining fidelity to the deceased spouse; all these issues enhance their tendency to avoid intimacy. The role of imagery and counterfactual thinking is central in widows. While the deceased spouse ceases to disappoint and irritate us, the living new partner continues to do so; he reminds us of the richness and the difficulties of ongoing living relationships. Although love for the deceased spouse may increase as times goes by, a certain disengagement from constant occupation with the deceased occurs over time, facilitating attempts to adapt to the new relationship. The connection to the deceased spouse is likely to remain throughout the widow's life, but its nature will undergo many changes. The creation of a new loving relationship involves both the capacity to let go and to hold on to the previous relationship, thus creating a new equilibrium (see here).

Like other people, a widow yearns for her lover to come back, but unlike others, she knows it is impossible. Which position is worse, the widow who knows that her lover cannot come back or the woman who knows that her ex could come back but might not wish to do so? The pain and sadness is greater on the widow's side, not merely because of the terminal nature of the loss, but also because of the greater romantic intensity. On the other hand, frustration and the ongoing damaging wait is more profound in the case of the living ex-lover. The widow is eventually likely to accept her given situation, and this will help her to live more peacefully with her current relationship.

Another marriage is not worth the effort
Finding the right partner and then learning to live with him often involves a lot of time and effort. Some people reach an age at which they doubt whether it is worth the effort. The price of adjusting to a new person may be too high-one reason being that the presence of her late husband, whether for good or bad, will remain with her most of the time.

It might be romantic to remember the late husband as a great lover who completely filled the widow's heart and thus prevents her from falling in love again; but this is not very common, since profound loving relationships that last forever are not frequent. In many cases, the personal relationship would have been satisfactory, but not one in which a great fire burned constantly in the couple's hearts. It is likely to have been good and comfortable but not what we are presented with in romantic movies. In such situations, the considerations about whether to enter a new marital framework are typically more mundane and relate to maintaining a comfortable life. As Nancy, a widow, indicates:

"The difficulties in falling in love again has usually nothing to do with a profound love for the late husband, but to other reasons, such as mental and physical fatigue, the attitudes of children and friends, the joy of being independent and free to do whatever you like, reading at the middle of the night, not needing to cook every week, having sex only when you really want it, and not willing to get used to a new person with his wishes and oddities. The heart may include this person, but the question is whether it is worth the effort."

How soon should I fall in love again?
Even if the predicaments surrounding being with a new lover are solved and the widow can spare a place in her heart for the new lover, there is still a whole set of dilemmas concerning how and when to embark on a new love. For example, what is the proper duration of grieving, whether and when to take off the ring, when to begin dating, when to give away his clothes, which clothes to wear in various circumstances, what and how often to talk about the past, and what loving behavior toward the new lover should be shown in public. 



Widows are judged more critically and hence sensitivity, careful pace, and moderation are necessary. Thus, a widow dating a married man will be subjected to more criticism than a divorcee or a single woman—after all, she should know better what it is to lose a spouse.
One sensitive issue is how soon the widow should wait before dating. There is no acceptable norm in this regard; in some traditions a year is the norm; in others it may be longer or shorter. 
The case of Michelle Heidstra, described in Mail Online, is particular striking as just four weeks after her husband's death she was embarking on a new love affair with his best friend, Adrian, a pallbearer at the funeral. Lost in her grief, she found herself drawn to the man who could comfort her. Adrian was very close and supportive to her and to her baby. At the end of a day spent with a group of her husband's friends, including Adrian, Michelle found herself in his house. "We were both in turmoil and we needed each other. We made love," says Michelle. "We couldn't help ourselves. It seemed so right." It is, she says, exactly what Jon would have wanted. She was not even embarrassed to tell her friend about it.

Michelle understands those who criticized her, but says "How can you make rules about people's emotions? We all love and grieve differently. I have never stopped grieving for Jon. But that doesn't rule out a new love." After a year of seeing each other, they felt that the relationship was getting too serious too quickly and they took a break. A year later, they started dating again. This time the pace was slower, and they moved in together only 6 months later. They are now engaged to be married. Michelle says: "Blame me if you like, but grief hits people in different ways and I have no regrets."
The case of Michelle is not rare; there are many similar stories of widows falling in love with their late husband's best friend within a short time after his death. It is a kind of reaction to their great loss, and the supportive friend is a most natural person to be with.

Conclusions
Widows (and widowers) are confronted with a particular form of romantic breakup, but while this involves a terminal physical breakup, it is not a psychological one. The breakup caused by the death of the spouse is unwelcome and irreversible, and the widow might be still in love with her late spouse. There are various paths one can take in this situation, and any of them may be right in different circumstances.

Two major paths are those of either finding a new lover or giving up the search for such a lover. The first path is more desirable, but as in other circumstances, it is not always available. 
Widows can profoundly fall in love, but their loving relationship might be complex as it is typically a three-hearts relationship. Just as such a relationship is possible when all three hearts are still beating, it is possible in this case as well. In both cases, being selfless and gracious is required more than in other circumstances. Comparisons between the dead and living lovers will be inevitable-and in many cases they will not be in favor of the living one, but one can reduce their relative weight by realizing that different circumstances cannot generate identical emotions and attitudes.

The second path leads to a more comfortable life, in which freedom is greater and the widow accepts, at least for the time being, the lack of a profound lover. This does not exclude becoming involved in a profound loving relationship if it happens to come along.

The romantic paths of widows are typically more complex, since widows are associated with a certain stigma, and people are more critical of them. A major issue in this regard is how soon they "should" fall in love with another person. For some widows this takes a lot of time, for others is much briefer as it offers them a meaningful way to get back to full life.

The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a widow might express: "Darling, my new lover, you may always be second in my heart, but not a far second; and in any case, I am also merely a second-hand woman."