Love Hurts

Today I wrote a email to someone as confused and scared as I, but they have nothing to fear. My life will go on as it always does, and I will get up brush myself off and continue my life. God only knows that I do not have it in me to hurt another living being. I am not self centered. or self absorbed and I can truly see the big picture. I know that Knights and shinning armors only exist in the movies and you never truly meet them in real life. The person I wrote to found hers though and I know that she and he shall live happily ever after. For you see I slay the dragon that tried to destroy them. 

My heart breaks that I to can not find a love like this, but I know it must be out there. I must follow my heart and know when it is love for me or another. I was once loved by a prince named Jason. He loved everything about me, but he saw my heart before I fully developed into a woman so it was true love. We were soul mates. Our only only dream was to be together the rest of our lives, and to have babies and to live and to die as Noah & Allie in the (Notebook). I loved this man so much and he was the very air that I breathe, but God saw he needed an angel and so he took him from me. I want to love like this again, but I do believe that God only grants you one soul mate. 

 "LOVE HURTS" 

Totally Scared & Confused

Days like today when all else is done, my time is occupied by memories of you. Every second of every hour are the thoughts of I'd rather be with you.. wherever you are. But you will never know that... why?.. Well because I'm too scared to say what I feel.

Too scared to say- I wanna be with YOU.

Too scared to say- I miss you like hell

Too scared to say- I'm sorry.

Simple enough, but yet so difficult. How do you begin to tell someone what they mean to you? Or how much they mean to you? It's easy when I think of the "I should'ves" and "could'ves" looking back now, but when the time comes.. I freeze. I guess cause I loved the guarantee that if I didn't speak, then I could always stay close to you. Even if it was just as a best friend. Such a twisted thought, but I knew deep in my heart somehow I always wanted you to be a part of my life. And now; I've messed ALL that up. 

The misconception that you just wanted to be "friends" forced me to think, I needed to step back. To allow you to find what you needed at home, because no matter how much I wanted there to be an 'us', I wasn't gonna jeopardize your happiness. 

Maybe that was the heroic thing to do.

Not to be selfish (although I wish I could be).

But I feel much like the villain. I lost your trust. And I have no excuses. I don't want to try and make any either. I just want you to know (in your heart somehow) that I think about you all the time and like said before you're not easily forgotten. It's embarrassing that I cannot be strong enough to tell you this but I can write it all down on a screen maybe you will see it, maybe not. This is my comfort zone, for now, so this'll have to do. And secretly, the little brave part left inside of me, is silently telling you:

I loved us.

I've missed us.

I miss you... but most importantly; I love you.

My Favorite Time Of The Year.

Fall is my favorite time of the year. I love to be witness to the change in the seasons , and Fall

is the most colorful season there is. I love to just go lie down in the leaves and have a wrestling 

match. When I am at home I love to rake leaves and be out in nature, but I have so many leaves

back home that I use a leaf blower or go over them with the tractor to cover and protect the 

grass for next season. I do this because I have too many to dispose of. It is great to be out in the

cool crisp air. 

I love Halloween and you really know that it is officially Fall by the time Halloween arrives.

I love to dress up and be someone else for one night out of the year. I love mystery and intrigue 

of going to a Halloween Party and not know who you are talking to, but they know you. I love

the smells of logs burning in a fireplace and the smell of Pumpkin Pie candles burning.  I go 

all out with Fall colors in my house getting ready for Fall as well as Thanksgiving as if it was

a golden, orange Christmas. I love to make my own Jack O Lantern and go to the pumpkin

patch to find the right one.   

I love going to County Fairs and riding rides and acting as though I am scared to death 

when I not really, but it is a way to get a guy to hold on to you tighter lol I love the smell 

of candy apples and cotton candy and sawdust and hay. I love hitting the agriculture 

exhibits and seeing all the prize cows, and the ladies auxiliary exhibits with home 

made cakes and pies and crafts. 

I love a trip to the mountains in Fall to witness all God's Majestic Beauty. I would

rather take the trip on my bike with all my leathers on and stopping somewhere

along the way for a hot chocolate. Nothing is more beautiful than the mountains 

in the Fall.  

     FALL IS MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR!

To Love Or Not?

I feel I am a extraordinary woman if you can look past the surface of what society thinks

is pretty. As I have said many, many times I am just Amber no more, no less. I have a lot 

of supportive, exceptional friends on facebook. For the most part I know most of them

personally, and have bikers, blue collar workers, that I would trust my life with, 

writers, doctors, nurses, lab techs, bankers, stock brokers, architects just to name a few.

As I love these people for who they are they in return love me for who I am. I always

have someone wanting me to talk to there teenage daughters, to show them that they can 

be anything they want to be in life as long as they apply themselves. I am a poster

child for people against all odds becoming all that they can be. I have worked hard,

stayed out of trouble, never did drugs although drugs were common place in my 

household as a child. 

A woman that does not know me from Adam's house cat made some startling 

accusations to me this week. I know I need to let it go, and the person sent

an apology to me through someone else, but it still hurts. I know I should not 

care about people with negative attitudes and what they think, but this is

how I feel. 

I feel I am a good person, and no matter the situation I would not have talked

to this woman in such a way. She wrote me countless emails and the first one

was very nice, but she went on and on and so I blocked her since she could 

email me because she was a friend of a friend. Then she found this blogger 

page and wrote in all the comment spaces. 

I have tried to ignore her words, but they cut like a knife. She hurt me and 

I have done nothing to her. I wrote to this person I have known for 

years and called things off. I don't want trouble and we were and 

are just friends. But, he doesn't want to let go. I do care for him

and they are not together now. OMG I tried to let her win, but she

can't win what she doesn't have. 

Dear Lord, I do not know what to do? I need strength and guidance,

Please help me to know what to do.    

    

News Flash

I had about enough negative energy today to last a lifetime. If you have a problem with me I will be the first one to try to help you solve it. In another life we could probably be you best friends. It started out okay you were building me up and tearing yourself down, which made me feel very sad for you so I wrote you back. Letting you know that you were beautiful and it had nothing to do with that. I refuse to blog about what went down, but you questioned my morals and made me out to be a bad person. If I need to be reminded of my morals God himself will call me on them and I will feel conviction about my actions.. I apologized to you and felt bad and you turn the tables to make me out to be such a bad person of low moral standards. 

I know people say things when they are hurt, but in reality I never hurt you. I was trying to help you and you lashed back to hurt me. No I am not perfect, but I do try. God is my judge and not you. Laying guilt trips on people do not get you everything you want. As I said, I am sorry you are hurt, but don't harass me.  

The Real Me

I often wonder what it is that I do wrong?  Do I seem too eager? Do I seem like a pushover? I really could do with or without someone in my life to stop every heartache that I have felt by being too trusting and truly caring about someone. I will talk to this person and then everything seems and feels great and then he goes off the grid. I call or leave a long heartfelt email that he never responds to. I am me and I will change for no one. What you see is what you get. I feel first and foremost that a guy will fall for my looks and not see the real me inside. I am a God fearing person that believes in Karma, and I try my best to do the right things in life, but I do live in a very ugly world. A world full of people  that lie, cheat and steal. I do not wish to be one of these people. I pray for the sick, the needy and hope to put my mark on this world so everyone will remember me when I die. I want to be a good person with outstanding morals, but I do fall short at times as do we all that are made up of flesh and bone. I tell myself that I am owed something from something that went wrong in my past and oh how I love this person but It does not make it right. I wish that I could do everything right in life and never hurt a living soul, but I know that cannot always be accomplished. I want someone that be happy with me and the life I have chose to live. Someone that can look within and see my heart and soul and respect me for who I am and what I do. I have worked long and hard to come to these cross roads in my life. I had given up many things during my residency that I truly loved to do like play in a bowling and pool league, I have not been able to ride my bike as much as I would like and I had to put my body building dream on hold. When I am accepted into a practice,possible back home in Ga I will still travel as much as I can. There is still so much of the world I have yet to see. I am spontaneous and if my job allows it would be nothing for me to take off and go on a trip. I can be packed and ready in one hour for any occasion or event that arises. I loved to be romanced with candle lit dinners at home cooked by the guy I am with. I enjoy all types of music from R&B, Country, Classic Rock, to the Classics such as Beethoven and Mozart. I love all sorts of movies from Disney, Action, Drama, Comedy, Horror, yes and I have plenty of chick flicks, but Good-fellas is one of favorites. I have a bucket list and I am a adrenaline junkie I want to become a pilot, be certified to skydive without an instructor, mountain climb, ride a bronc and a bull. I use to calf rope as a kid and loved it. There are so many things left to do and all I need is someone that loves me inside out and wants to share a life with me. I want the Note Book ending. I will settle for nothing less.      

Stay at home this election cycle

It seems that so long as I have been aware of politics people having been telling me to VOTE as if everybody having the right to vote is a mandate to use that right. This ubiquitous command has for a long time bothered me. The underlying statement seems to be, "vote" in order to be considered a conscientious citizen no matter your knowledge of the people or policies up for election.

However, I would contend that if you are unaware of policies and parties on the table then you and everybody else is better off in general if you DO NOT VOTE. The reason is simple, if you vote without knowing who or what you are voting for then at best you could be watering down the votes of conscientious citizens who do choose to learn about the issues and the people seeking public office.

At worst, you become a puppet of those with the money and inclination to manufacture advertisements and lies to such an extent that your vote is bought without you even knowing it. You see an ad on the TV or someone passes on a false truth, not knowing it and that pushes you to vote. And now, more likely than not, your vote is being used as a weapon against thoughtful, well-informed citizens.

So, I have come up with a bit a rubric. For every candidate you are considering voting to support or voting against, list 5-10 positions and policies you know that they support or oppose. Then read one small article or opinion piece that addresses your candidates perspective on that issue to be sure that that is what the person believes. If after that point you still feel strongly enough in support of that person then consider voting. But the night before casting your vote, please take an additional twenty minutes to read and think over criticisms of your candidate and his or her rivals and their policies.

If neither candidate is to your liking, then find a third party or don't vote at all. A voting turnout of less than 60% should not be seen as an indictment of the voters but rather that of the national parties and the dominant political parties that poorly represent the will of the nation.

So if you find both political parties too repugnant to endorse, do your part and consider staying home this election cycle. I have always been advised not to complain if I fail to vote. Last election I voted Republican as always, but had doubts on casting my vote then. Now I have decided that I do not agree in the least with the policies the candidates are selling, so I will not cast a vote this year. The past few election years there have not been a candidate I believe in full heartily, so this will be this first year I refused to cast a vote.