Rantings

There are so many misconceptions  about me, about my life and who you think I am. 

Do you think you really know me? You don't know me at all. You think because I am 

smart that my life is easy, but it is not. I have to work on myself every single day and

every day I have to pray for knowledge, wisdom, understanding and strength to make

it through the day. I don't have all the answers and I have to pray for guidance.  My 

life is just that life and I have to make the best of it. I am one of those crazy ass bitches

that if I truly fall in love with a guy I will always love him.  I will stand by my man 

until the end of time. I will make him know that he is wanted, desired and I will 

leave mushy love notes every where. I want all this but it cannot be mine. I know 

it will never happen for me. I am not strong enough to break though the barriers of

your heart. 

I want to be yours and yours alone, but my work suffers from a distance and from 

where I stand it shall never be. I am a hopeless romantic and therefore I cannot 

get you out of my head but I must. I don't know why I write this you wouldn't 

get it I spray painted on your office window while hanging there buck ass 

naked  from a rope. OMG one of the signs I drank too much. 

BEDTIME GOODNIGHT 

My Life/With You/Without you

As I sit here wondering why I went out again? Why did I drink? 

My new life for now consist of going out with the girls drinking

until I I start my fellowship come September. I will have to go 

back and keep it together. I really have it bad for this guy, but

he is better off without me. 

I have to keep it together, although with him I am everything

and without him I am nothing. I have been so sad that things 

did not work out for us as I had hoped. I could only wish that 

he will know what I am going through without him. The

thoughts of what could of been cuts like a knife.

I wonder if he knows I am sitting here thinking of him this very

minute and have done so all night. That is a under statement 

and why I must try to move on and not think of him, this is why

I must get my head straight before returning to work. His memory 

lingers within me and oh how I need him, but he doesn't need me.

He has so much going on in his life and is a very special man,

a prince charming. 

Maybe someday when I don't have everything riding on keeping my 

head above water I can let him back into my thoughts and we 

can talk and I can think of him again, but for now I must marry my 

work. 

I dream of the day when this can come true, but I need for

him to fulfill all of his obligations and I mine before we could

ever happen. Then I will need a real love, someone who truly

loves me and will find my inward beauty and will love me 

for my mind. Someone who cannot exist without me. 

I WANT A NOTEBOOK LOVE

IN TIME MAYBE THERE WILL

BE SOMEONE FOR ME... 

I Believe (Rantings)

I am just a simple ordinary farm girl from the great state of GA (Go Dawgs) I can rope, ride horses of flesh and steel, but I strive for more. As a child I was not begged to do my homework, it was something I loved to do and it made me happy that my grades made the teacher happy. It has been a desire of mine to make other people happy, yet I have failed in finding what makes me happy. 

I was inspired by my parents to be creative and I was given many outlets to express myself. From drawing pictures on the wall in my room to racing dirt bikes from the time I was 3 to being taught to play the guitar and other string instruments. I was told I could be anything I wanted to be in life and so I believed it.  Now comes the hard part proving it. 

I have loved and been loved and there is nothing like it in the world. I hear parents tell there child you are not in love with (him or her) you are too young you don't know shit. This infuriates me and there child shall suffer and make them suffer in the long run by rebelling. Teens do fall in love and in fact adults could learn from this kind of love. The teens love far beyond how grown-up have the capacity to love. The adults have forgotten how to love and are going through the motions of being in love. The adults just say those three precious words with no actions behind them. I am so glad that my parents never told me I wasn't in love, but welcomed Jason with open arms. 

I get distracted from my work trying to find a love and make it work. I know that when it is really meant to be it will happen and there will be nothing I can do about it but reciprocate the love given to me and will do so with a glad heart. I have a romantic soul, but I also wear my heart on my sleeve. I tried online relationship, but it is very hard. I find that you can really put your heart on the line with the beautiful words of another and the words can touch you in a place that you never thought possible. But, still I find myself thinking of that person constantly and it clouds my thoughts and can effect my work.   My work is important to me and it completes me. It is who I am now. I use to love to define myself as a lady biker and I still am, but it can only free my soul and not pay my bills. To me my work really isn't work at all but an adventure, a purpose and defines who I am.    

I have always believed in God and although at times I know I have disappointed him, I know there is nothing I can do or achieve without him. The past few weeks that I have took to find myself I realized I was not alone for the Lord was there with me. I can do all things through him that comforts me, I am his child and nothing shall come between us. I needed a renewed faith. When we find ourselves deep in the valley with no tools to climb out on our own if we turn to the Lord, he shall bring us out of that valley and set us high upon that mountain once more. 

Without him I am nothing, but with him I am Everything   

Her Life

She bathe's herself with sunshine, to start a new day,

remembering not the past ,she is renewed in both body 

and soul as her spirit soars high above her to a divine 

plain.

A place where pain cannot  touch her anymore, where her

life is lived in harmony as happiness is her plight. living,

forgetting and forgiving is her quest, to achieve her

destiny her only desire.

She walks alone for now, for it must be, for she has so

much to conquer in life, love is just a fading memory 

of what might have been.

She is happy and reassured that she can have all she ever

wanted and it will be worth the wait, but for now her work 

will fulfill her every need and desire. She must not lose 

sight of the little people that love and depend on her

everyday.  

Written By 

Amber Wilson

10/21/2012 

I'm Sorry, But Being Selfish

I would give anything to be like everyone else to not feel to become comfortably numb. To live and love for the moment and never look at the big picture or who it hurts. But, I am not like that and I am in a way punishing myself because I feel I have hurt someone.  I should hope that they should know me well enough to know that this is not me or how I handle situations. I have ran from getting hurt, no not getting hurt so much as putting my heart out there. I have been on a emotional journey and the fact that there was someone else in your life made me back off. 

As for now I just want to be happy and not have to worry about anyone but myself. Selfish I suppose so, but I need to simplify my life. I need to think about me for once in my life and make me first. I do not need a man to validate me or make my life complete. Yes, I am unhappy right now but I know it shall lead to peace of mind. In the end I shall make my own happiness. 

I am not like most women, for I do not have an agenda. I need not look for someone to look out for me or take care of me for I am head strong and in no way would ever consider being a kept woman. I have had offers that where shot down before they were completely said. I did not go to college, med school, internship and residency and work so hard so I could sip umbrella drinks by the sea shore.     

Okay I am depressed this happens- around this time every year, but just a little sooner this year. I just need people to back off and if you are really my friend you will realize that everyone needs time to think. There are no quick fixes for me. 

I once dreamed of the american dream the wonderful husband I was in love with, 2.5 kids the house with the picket fence and the Lassie dog. Not everyone gets this and that is why it is the dream of every teenage girl since the history of time. It is a dream, it is not real and will take you through your 20's to realize you make your own happiness. No one is out there with a magic wand that can make my life how I dreamed. 

This is the thing I need to focus on work I know I have said it 1000's of times and I meant it each and every time. But, as I sit and think of my past and how good it once was. The hope that I once had for this incredible guy that I thought was the answer to all my problems. The person that could wipe away any thoughts of Jason for good, and that I dreamed of having and making a life with and of even starting a family. Fate doesn't always see our lives the way we do. 

For right now I am starting a clean slate. All these feeling I have will have to be pushed aside so I can cope with my future. I need to get through these next two years at work with no constant thoughts of what might have been or could have been. I am a dreamer, a romantic, I wasn't but now I must come to be a realist.  

Taking A Deep Breath

I have been extremely busy which is a good thing. I am trying to make a home for my babies and I before returning to work. As I look back I do wish that I had went to Kenya to practice medicine for nine months to pay it forward. I always feel so very blessed even when things are at there bleakest. I know God has a plan for me. I feel blessed to be alive and well and able to contribute to my community. There are so many things I would like to do for others, but I am limited in my time and resources. 

The weird comments I leave on my status the lyrics to the LMFAO ( Sexy & I Know It) are to motivate you my peeps and make you smile and it motivates me to smile and know that someone has smiled with me. I am a simple ordinary country girl if you have the heart to look past my exterior. I would like to think there is something exceptional under the hood, but not everyone cares enough to take the time to check out the engine (the brain, heart, soul)

I say I will be happy and content alone with just myself and my pets, but it is a lie to make people think you don't need them and I am better off alone. I shut potential male suitors out and do not get close out of the fear of being hurt. I do not have the time to date and get caught up in to a potentially extreme emotion that will render me a stupid, ditsy blond. 

I feel it is better to have loved than to have never loved at all. I once had it all and the world was my oyster. I loved and was loved back in return. I felt there was nothing I could not achieve as long as I was with my love. Maybe that is why I have held on so strongly to that love and a incredible guy named Jason. I know people get tired of hearing Jason this and Jason that, but he was and still is the very best of me..For you see he taught me to love and be loved. 

I once came so close to truly loving another, but it was within months of Jason's passing and it was not good timing. Things just clicked for us and we talked all the time. I shared my deepest thoughts with this person. It was as if the things I said to them that they should know me better than I knew myself. This person was very insightful and was willing to truly listen to me. When everyone else was saying you have to move on Jason is dead and this is not good for you, this person encouraged me to talk about Jason. I know know it was so I could love Jason without holding on to him to tightly and that I could let this person in so they to could love me. Circumstances out of our control arose and then it was as if we could not truly trust each other and both were hurt. Without confrontation we each moved on and went on with our lives never forgetting the other. 

I Respect You Always!

       

   

Letting Go

Good morning peeps and what a beautiful morning it is. I have been on my 

on my run and will go to the gym soon. I sit and savor my last cup of coffee 

of the day. I feel so energetic and happy as if I am floating on cloud nine today. 

I had so much running though my head lately about my life in general. Will I 

be loved? Can I be loved? I know that I love, but am afraid of the out come.  I

was listening to Garth Brooks the other day and the song "Unanswered Prayers"

started to play and I realized something that I had imagined could not ever come 

true. I had my chance or did I really? Even though, things didn't work out as 

they should have I know that nothing shall ever come of it. I want it so much

but if it was meant to be it would have happened the first time. 

Love something enough and if it was meant to be it will return to you. But, it 

needs to be welcome with open arms or it shall fly away again. To open ones heart 

is a big thing and it takes swallowing a lot of pride and opening yourself up to be

hurt all over again. No one wants to be hurt so once they have been hurt enough 

they wait on the next time and it is always in the back of your mind. They know

it is time to move on that nothing shall ever work out as they wished, hoped or

imagined. 

Life is good for you and I would only be in the way. I am meant to spend life alone and 

alone is where I will be, where I will remain throughout all time. I am not lovable or

can anyone love me, ever love me. I await a prince charming which does not exist

nor has he ever. I thought he was mine for a little while, but the world rained 

down it's wrath upon me, so that a love between us could never be. Good Night 

Sweet Prince I Set You Free.