HELP! HELP! HELP!

Okay here I go spilling it all to my peeps...

I do need advice, but since no one reads this crap I take the time to write I get no comments. 

To me comments are the feedback I need to help me make the right decisions in my life. I started blogging in live journal when I lost two of the most important people in my life. I received so much feedback and I listened to everyone, but made up my own mind about a situation. I later blogged on Yahoo 360 and there also I received so much feed back that helped me and I still have friends on my facebook from those sites. They are few now, but I simply love and appreciate the ones that stuck by me throughout this journey I call life. It has been a while John M and I love you dearly. ♥ You are really the only one still around willing to listen and that loves me like I love you.  

I know what my problem is, and the same problem I have had for such a long time now.I often wonder if this problem will ever go away? Yes, I have saw a therapist on many occasions,but they are really no help to me. I have been given literature by the therapist and they have recommended several books to me on grief, and I have most certainly read them all and even checked out books from the library on grief. Although, I now know everything about grief I cannot seem to apply it to my life.    

This is where I shut out potential suitors that seem very interested in me, but because I care deeply I do not want to hurt the people I feel really cares for me. There can never really anything between us really until I have this thing called grief behind me. I am no good to myself so I cannot be good for anyone else. I need to be whole and complete yet again before I can love wholeheartedly again I need to have this resolved. 

How many people do you know that talks to pics of loved ones and ask advice of which you never receive or hear a response uttered? I would say none. I can still talk to this ghost of the man I loved and feel him close to me and his body entwined with mine throughout the night. Yes, I can still feel his touch when I am alone in my bed. It feels real and can be very satisfying. No Lie. This is how real it is to me. I will never give up on Jason ever. Although I know he is not here with me just feeling him in my bed, beside me. I can feel his touch and I long to be with him forever. No I am not crazy, but have always had a very vivid imagination. 

It seems that every time I  let my guard down a little I get my heart broken. There are always so many things that factor into me ever finding a soul mate. It all comes down to "locale" and not living so far apart or that the man has someone in their life that you will never measure up to. Men that are raising children and I cannot find myself ever interfering with there family unit where the kids would hate me. Regardless of how good I could be to someones Children I would never be there mom. 

Blake and I are talking but more like friends than anything. I do care deeply for him, but hey face it I am moving back to Georgia as soon as I am finished with my fellowship and Blake wants to practice at Columbia in NYC. Not even going to happen, but I am sure we will remain friends forever

Thing is to know that you are 28 years old and time and love is passing you by.   

HELP! HELP! HELP! 

What should I do?

I know I will need to be open minded and stop guarding my heart....

Where do I start?    

    

THE BIG FISH STORY

This is my friend Kyle he is always off on an adventure somewhere. He travels on business all the time, but his Company is located here in Baltimore. He always makes at least a day for himself. Here he is in Alaska fishing and do I mean fishing "Yikes"

Now that is a fish Kyle Congrats

He sent me these pics to my email account, but I have been ill and haven't been into my email in a while. 

"THANKS FOR THE PICS KYLE & THE STORY THAT CAME WITH IT....

NOW THAT IS A BIG FISH STORY BUT DEFIANTLY NOT THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY! "

♥ My Heart, Oh How It Bleeds ♥

I was yours for the taking, I wanted you so,

but the storm clouds started raging and how

the winds did they blow....

I waited for answers that never would come,

and my heart did it break to realize that you

would never be mine, boy was I ever blind..

Now I am broken and busted inside to know that

you never wanted me not one single time. I held 

on in hopes that one day you would see the love

and passion that radiates from me...

There are no more chances, no more will this heart 

bleed, I am gone from you forever and my heart

I take with me. I know to you this does not matter

 for you never heard my plea. Boy you never, ever

realized I was down on my knees. 

Written By

Amber Wilson 

6/11/2013

♥ I Want To Introduce My Sister ♥

"Haley is the girl you want to be your best friend." 

"And somehow I got her as mine." 

"But, for now and always we are sister's to the end"

She is the other half of me...not in the "we complete each other" kind of way, but in the "we're cut from the same cloth" kind of way. She's a loud, passionate, equal-parts-dreamer-and-doer force of a woman. She gets herself into gigantic messes, but always comes out the other side with a smile and a story. She "feels big" and doesn't apologize for it. She is the life of the party, but at the same time she is a true, thoughtful and deep soul. A friend, of the best and purest kind.

I am blessed to call her my friend, and I'm honored to have you get to know her better today. Although, I have known Haley since Kindergarten our being together at this time in my life has only brought us closer. Since I had a  subdural hematoma and then surgery to repair the bleed Haley was there with my family and I throughout everything. Haley was there with my family, for you see Haley is my family although we called each other bffs that stops today since Haley is my sister. Haley left her daughter Madison with my Aunt and Uncle back home in Georgia to make the trip here. Haley is laid off from her job at this time, but I know if she had to report to work she would have been with me anyway regardless of her circumstances. 

I have talked to Haley before writing this to show how close we really are and so with her approval I will finish writing. Haley and I met in Kindergarten as I have mentioned above and we would sit with each other at lunch and when we were able to go outside to play Haley was right by my side. Haley was in my homeroom for Kindergarten, second grade & third grade, sixth grade, but in middle school and high school I had advanced since I skipped two grades and graduated at sixteen years of age. During all the times that Haley and I had classes together and even when we didn't we always remained close friends. Attending each others Birthday party's, school functions etc. Since my dad was a stay at home dad and ran his custom bike shop on our land he would pick up Haley and another friend named Joey until there parents or grandparents could pick them up. We had so much fun together making grilled cheese sandwiches or hot pockets together in our kitchen and just hanging out.

The year I graduated high school at 16 that is the same year that Haley became pregnant with her daughter Madison. Haley's patents thought that Haley was too young to have a baby which Haley can admit now, but says she still would not change a thing. For you see if Haley had had the abortion that her parents wanted her to have beautiful and sweet Madison would not be here. It really got so bad for Haley at home that she up and ran away and came to our house. By this time my mama and daddy had divorced and it was just she and I at home. My mother had a talk with Haley's parents since my mom didn't want to get into any trouble with the police for harboring a minor. The parents said, if Haley wanted to come back home on the condition that she had a abortion she was welcome to, but if not she could live on the streets without a penny from them. So my mama decided to help Haley and Madison and she was able to get Haley on medicaid for Haley's care and the delivery of the baby. It was mama and I that took care of Haley went out to the store if she had a craving and was there in the delivery room when Madison's head came out as she cried and said.

 " Hello World I Am Here Now."   

   

My mama did call Haley's parents to let them know that Haley had a baby girl and both mother and daughter was fine. No one came to the hospital to see Haley except one cousin that kept saying please don't tell anyone I am here. But, her cousin Kristen did start coming to see Haley and Madison sometimes bringing gifts. We had often wondered how Kristen could afford such lavish gifts, but later found out that Kristen's parents had bought the gifts. Kristen's mother was so scared of falling out of Haley's mom/her sister's graces that she never visited. Madison was age two when Haley's parents came around and called and asked to see their grandchild. Haley could not bring herself at first to have her parents touch her precious daughter that her parents both wanted her to kill. By the time Madison was three years old Haley invited all her family to attend Madison's third Birthday Party. 

Haley's family did come and acted as if no time had elapsed without seeing their daughter and as if their granddaughter was just born. Haley will allow her parents to see Madison, but only in her presence or one of my family members which are (Haley and Madison's family members as well) I am so proud of the mother that Haley became and how she has raised her daughter all on her own with no help from anyone since she became seventeen. Haley is a high school graduate and is a business major at Georgia Tech. Haley has had a few long lasting jobs that paid well so God blessed her. When my mama passed Haley was as broken as I was. This beautiful woman on the inside out that was Madison's real grandmother in every sense of the word was no longer here with us. Madison to this day still talks about mama and remembers her grandmother. I had became Madison's Godmother since birth and she has always called me Aunt Amber. 

Haley and Madison have returned to take care of me until I have recovered. Haley is a wonderful Southern cook that is making me fat with all the good meals she prepares. Homemade biscuits YUM! No actually I am not getting fat but had lost 8 pounds when weighed at the doctor on Monday. Yet, I think that to be muscle since I am a body builder. 

Haley and Madison I love you so very much and I appreciate all that you do for me. I did not bring up about Haley's life as if she is paying it forward now, but that God can use any of us as angel's. God can take just your average person and make Guardian Angel's out of them. I do feel that mama was Haley and Madison's Guardian Angel and now Haley is mine. 

♥ You have a Guardian Angel ♥

♥ Mine is Haley ♥

Who watches over you - 

Everywhere you go 

And everything you do.

This gentle, silent helper 

Is there to be your guide 

To shelter and protect you, 

And for you to walk beside.

Your Angel will always help you 

Whenever things go wrong, 

They'll be the wings beneath your feet 

As Life's path you walk along.

Feel this calming presence - 

Be enfolded by its love 

And let your life be guided 

By a power from above.    

UPDATE ON ME

Today I went to the doctor and everything had came back normal on all the test that was performed, and I was informed I am on the mends. This was such great news since I have been worried ever since I became ill. I was talking to God, and telling him "God" I have went for so long now and nothing bad has happened to me. Not since I lost Aunt Patti and my dog Bentley and I have been healthy as a horse. I was actually afraid I would die this time. But, the good Lord still has a purpose for me to fulfill. I am so thankful to God for his healing, mercy and grace that he has bestowed upon me, although sometimes I do not feel worthy of his love. 

All the while that I was sick I thought about two people. They both matter to me although they do not know it. I was wondering if all there dreams were coming true? If they were happy? If they had married yet? If they had bought that house they wanted? I wanted them to be happy and I still do. I kept having this overwhelming desire to email them both, and stress how short life can be. People can never comprehend how short life is until they face death. Life is something to be celebrated, lived to the fullest and to grow old with no regrets. I never heard back from them. Maybe I said things all wrong? I just felt led to tell them about my illness and to tell them (or Witness) about God and his many miracles. My prayer is that they will be happy with or without God in their lives, and know that I do care for them both. 

I don't know about other people, but I do not want to grow old alone. I want to love and be loved, have children and live on my farm in Georgia. I want to center my life and that of the family I will have around God. I want to teach my children true values and not spoil them shamelessly. 

I am 28 now and could marry tomorrow, but Blake and I need to wait until I am sure. I do forgive easily and  never hold grudges. I forgive since I too will seek forgiveness from God and pray that it will be granted when I ask. But, I know if I do not forgive those who hurt me that I shall not be forgiven. 

It is hard to think that I am hated or disliked or that someone cannot forgive me. My daddy always says don't give a flying crap about what others think of you. ( I cleaned that up a lot ;)  But, I do care, always have a always will. I know I care too much, I am tenderhearted, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I pray for those who spitefully use me. 

Well enough about me.

Thank you Haley & Madison Spencer who is here taking such good care of me. I love you both so very much. I thank my family who has always been there for me. I want to celebrate Dylan and Dawson's first year at Georgia Tech I am so proud of you both. 

To Cara & Orion I love my babies  ♥

THE PEARL

Recently I received a wonderful card about pearls 

from a dear friend :)

I also received a magazine from my brother

that had an article about pearls.

A long story short .

I read the card ,read the article 

and now I'd like to share what I learned.

"Once in a thousand clams you find a pearl and once 

in a thousand pearls you find a good one."

J.Curtis Grigg

Hunter ,Trader ,Trapper Magazine 1930

"Greeting Card"

Once there was an oyster 

who was going through 

some "REALLY" irritating Stuff.

It made a pearl.

Then it made another.

By the time things got better,

The oyster had a necklace and 

some very nice earrings !!!

What I learned 

is a simple reminder that there is 

a silver lining to the stuff  life brings our way .

Lesson : this "Country Girl"  will be wearing pearls one of these days :)

Seriously while we all go through stuff 

sometimes we forget there is a reason 

and in due season it will all turn out the way it is meant to .

TAKE MY HAND

One of the most tragic things I know 

about human nature 

is that all of us tend to put off living .

We are all dreaming of some magical

rose garden over the horizon-------

instead of enjoying the roses that are 

blooming outside our windows today.

The beauty of the sunbeam 

lies partly in the fact 

that God does not keep it ;

He gives it away to us all  :

If we put our problems 

in God's hand,

There is nothing 

we need understand...

It is enough 

to just believe

That what we need 

we will receive

TAKE MY HAND 

.