I WILL SURVIVE

It is good to be back blogging again I really miss blogging when I can't. I know I always share too much info about myself which can be a bad thing, but telling about myself helps me face tomorrow or what ever comes my way. I am now recovering from surgery for a subdural hematoma which has been a major set back for me career wise, but I am very thankful to God that I am still here with a story to tell. I will still be living here in Baltimore a little longer than expected and I lost my drivers licence for 3 to 6 month due to a head injury. No one knows if something happened from a surgery I had some years back from a head injury or if the bleed started on it's own.

I am optimistic that everything will workout for me eventually. It is like "Murphy's Law" with me everything that can go wrong will, but eventually this black cloud looming over me shall lift and only good can come my way. I will not go into all the details of my life and why I raise this point "only I am due some good luck. Every time I am confronted with a new disaster within my life I think of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" a true story. It is where a woman has four son's and all are killed in the war so there is a troop assigned to search for her only surviving son and to send him back home alive. 

You wonder why bad things happen to good people? Some people receive more than there share of heartache, pain and suffering to last a lifetime and I have seemed to be one of those people. But, I think that God never gives us more than we can handle. I have came through so much victoriously, and I know this shall be the care once again. 

The only thing that I have never recovered from is the betrayal of a dear friend of many years, and that pain shall never subside. It is still there especially after going through something similar again and the outcome the same. I will never get to be friends ever again with this person and the thought tortures me at times. I thought we would always be friends no matter what......Well enough about the regrets in life I must once again get well and look forward to the future.

I am going to be alright after all I am a survivor. I will not dwell on the past, but yet seek my future and pursue it without faltering. I need no one but myself to pull myself up once again and start over with life. Life keeps kicking me, but I am a persistent bitch that keeps getting back up and fighting the obstacles that try to destroy me that try to bring me down.    

I WILL SURVIVE                          

    

Working My Mind

I've realized just recently that it had been ages since I have read a good book. A story book to transport me to times past, present and future. A book to push my bed time later than usual, risking blank stares and blurry thoughts the following morning. Atenolol, paracetamol-wha?

 I picked up a book from the shelf and started to read.

The book was The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri.

I found myself daydreaming about the characters, thinking about them as I drive to work, as I bathe, as I eat, looking forward to the time when I cozy myself on the bed with the book before retiring for the night.

Suffice to say, I Missed reading. With a capital M.

While on the subject of picking up old habits, this distant memory of distinctly owning a blog stole itself into my consciousness.

Reading what I have written, I marvel at how time passes by so stealthily, nay a noise.

So here I am again, having words manifest themselves from the brain through the nerves to the muscles to the screen. Random words with constant erasing of grammatical boo-boos and spelling errors-I'm convinced my England is going down the longkang.

But of it feels so good.

......

Would wearing one's heart on one's sleeves be better than being sensitive to others' feelings?

Change

Life, as we know it - can never be understood no matter how hard we try.

We go through life, as mundane as it may be and sometimes we lose sight of where we are heading, or what we are doing.

But random happenings will manifest itself; in the form of a book, a passage one chance upon, a conversation, a realization, a brief thought.

They remind us that we are here, still. Shouldn't we then be grateful?

For another day, another minute, another second.

another chance.

I Wonder

Aching heart and dear spiteful mind

Charmed by hope and hope hopefully blind

Wishing for, dreaming of, aspiring to attain

that which can't be grasped due to its thorns

and immeasurable pain

Is there one that will love me?

In spite of all my flaws

Unconditionally so... keep my heart in awe.

Just a trick of the mind

Truth revealed in time

Death is the only thing that is sure

The only thing that I can claim as mine.

Mysteries of the unknown

and the powers that be

To the God that created it all

what is the purpose that you have set forth for me?

Simple pain and a memory full of regrets

Misery and sorrow, a life of emptiness and complexities

glimpses of joy stolen and death to be cherished?

I wonder.

And what is this desire you have placed in my heart?

Desiring to do your will...

grow closer to you...

altruistic behavior...

and yet,created in flesh

and placed in a world where the opposite is true.

To desire love so much

only to be appeased by the deceiving nature of lust.

Living a life of honesty in a world of lies

where the deceivers prosper and the wicked are the ones they trust.

It's an oxymoron of sorts

To move in the spirit, but live in the flesh.

To be seen as an outcast when I'm giving you my best.

I wonder.

However, another day I'm alive,

so unto I submit my will;

for,this must be according to your plan.

I just pray that your will be done...

Have mercy...

Kill the pain, sadness, sorrow, and loneliness

in this woman.

A Wilson 2013

It's Just A Workout

It's a struggle.
Pressing on when you are getting pressed on.
Trying to make it through, while being put through.
So much drama.
Folks acting, while you're being real.
Taking advantage of your sincerity...
As an opportunity to steal...
Your joy, your goals, your happiness, your heart...
All the things that make you...you, they rip apart.

I know that it seems grim.
Yet, I refuse to be depressed.
You see, I have HIM.
And HE see's it all.
That which was planned for my demise.
HE uses for my victory, not my fall.
Therefore, I still rise...
In the mist of it all.

I don't even seek vengeance or try to defend myself.
You see, my GOD see's it all.
And when times get hard, HE reassures me with HIS help.

HE is my personal trainer/spotter while a train in the gym of life.
HE adds more weight to my situation, so that I can become stronger.
Has me running through hurdles to improve my endurance...
So that I can LAST longer.
And when I think that it is too much for me to take...
HE reaches down and picks up some of the weight.
Puts me in a room to myself, turns up the heat, and yes, it gets hot.
But HE does this so that my muscles can rejuvenate.
Then, it's back to training...my job, is to give it all I got.

So, even though it's a struggle, and at times it may seem hard.
I know that weight is just being added to the bar.

And when people are mean, cold, callous, and taking advantage of me.
I know that I'm being placed in my own little room and HE's...
just turning up the heat.

There will be a time...
That I'll look back... on who I used to be,
That old me... Out of shape, tired, and depressed.
The one that folks used as a welcome mat.

Yes, I'll have to look back.

Because, that isn't going to be where I'm at.

You see, GOD's working on me.

And HE's working on you too.

Getting us in shape.

Book Review for ( Found & Found 2 )

I first became familiar with Found when I flipped through my mom's copy of the first book. She had heard about the book from some local radio station. At first the basic premise of the book didn't sound too intriguing. It sounded like a book full of trash... Essentially, that is what Found is, but trash that tells stories. Love letters, photos, shopping lists, homework (one kid handed in a report on a certain part of the male anatomy) etc. Some finds are funny. Some tragic. Some heartwarming. Think of the finds as short stories, sometimes consisting of only a few words. Or better yet, windows into the lives of others. This is one of those books that is fun to just pick up and flip through making it a perfect "coffee table" book. I took the first Found book to work a few years ago and was constantly lending it to people (or rather leaving it around while people couldn't help but be intrigued) who would soon be showing me their favorite finds. After reading this book you will never look at trash the same way again. I constantly scan the streets in search of my own finds worthy of Found Magazine. So far the most interesting thing I've found is a name tag that says "Pastor John Issac's " I wore it around work for awhile as a joke before it broke and another card behind the one that said "Pastor John" spilled out. It said "Elizabeth Jensen . Why did Pastor John have Elizabeth Jensen's name tag? Duel-Identities perhaps? You make up the story. The same goes with many of the finds in this book.

For those of you who might find the first Found book or this second one offensive in its content -- guess what? -- life is offensive. And for that matter, life is also often tragic, poignant, ironic, hysterically funny, random, and sometimes all of these things at once... the "Found" books and the magazines reflect all of these aspects of everyday life. That's what makes it so remarkable. Indeed, how many books can cause you to giggle and feel emotionally vulnerable within two pages? This work by Davy Rothbart, co-editor Jason Bitner, and all the Found crew deserves praise because this is a cross-section of humanity stripped down to its beautiful bare essentials. If, several thousand years from now, (android? zombie?) archaeologists study our current century, they might go through our trash. Think of "Found" as giving them a head start.

I highly recommend purchasing both FOUND and FOUND II.

Finding Happiness through Written Expression

Two important things help us achieve our goals: letting go of past mistakes and envisioning future success. Psychology research supports that expressive writing about one’s goals has numerous benefits for health, emotional adjustment, and well-being (Smyth, 1998), while also increasing the likelihood that the goals will be achieved. How does expressive writing help people overcome emotional baggage and take hold of a more empowering future?



First, the creative writing process helps us organize our thoughts in new ways. We begin to create new narratives for our pasts and our futures. Taking ownership of our stories makes us feel more in control; this, in turn, boosts our resiliency, motivation, and self-esteem.



Second, writing about our “most cherished” selves helps us illustrate our values and priorities and gain insights about how we can use these qualities in future endeavors. We begin to feel less conflicted about our goals as we gain a better understanding of our true motivations and feelings (King, 2001; Pennebaker, 1998).



Finally, imagining future success can boost psychological well-being and improve performance toward achieving the goal.



Psychologist Laura King studies two specific types of beneficial, expressive writing assignments: “best possible selves” and “lost possible selves”:



Lost Possible Selves: Write for 20 minutes at a time about different experiences and topics for 3 days in a row. Here are your specific instructions: “Think about a goal in your life that was once very important to you; but, due to life circumstances, you can no longer achieve this goal. If only you had been able to achieve this goal of your past, what would your life have looked like? Now, write about what you imagined.”



Why write about regrets? Writing about past mistakes and goals that no longer make sense for our lives can help us come to terms with them and replace regret with resolve.



Best Possible Selves: Write for 20 minutes at a time about different experiences and topics for 3 days in a row. Here are your specific instructions: “Think about your life in the future. Imagine that everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing all of your life goals. Think of this as the realization of all of your life dreams. Now, write about what you imagined.”



Don’t stress over the amount of time or number of days you write.  The most important thing is to have fun and get your feelings into words; then, reflect on your writing and then put it away.  It might be fun to re-visit in a year to see how your feelings and perspectives have changed.