"Right On Time"

I am home from my first date with Kyle and to my surprise everything went well. I felt completely at ease with a stranger that I met on Tuesday by sheer accident as his Latte was spilled and him standing right in front of me in the line at Starbucks. I tell myself this must be fate and a higher power intervening to introduce me to someone I would had never met other wise. We do not run in the same circles and our careers have nothing in common. The average person would think me a little naive to be talking about a guy I just met this way, but they do not know my life. 

Those who know me know of my losses in life. They are losses that I have never seem to let go of after years. My losses were that of my mother and the love of my life my (soul Mate) within a short period of time. If my soul mate were still living I would be married and maybe even have a couple of children by now. I would be happy something I haven't truly been in years now. 

Kyle too knows the pain of losing someone he loves and finding himself shut down from pursuing a relationship. I was surprised when Kyle mentioned his loss before I ever mentioned mine since I find I talk about my loss far too much. But, not a day goes by that I do not speak to my soul mate and I feel that he still guides me in all things. No one knows me truly or how to react to me. I am sane I know my soul mate is no longer here, but I know my memories and my love keep him alive to me. 

I know that I have a lot of love to share with someone, but to me it cannot just be anyone. Just last week before I met Kyle I realized that there was certain person that truly cares for me, but I  respect him enough that I do not want him hurt. I wrote the blog "A Girl Like Me" to say to him I love you in a special way, but I just can't love anyone right now. I know I need to focus on work since I was distracted for a few months with nothing but loneliness. I don't know why I am always alone in life and love is nothing I can afford to dream of. 

I don't know where things will go with Kyle, but I am ready to take things slow to find out. I am not looking for love but if it finds me again it does. I have just been in awe of how a chain of events could bring a couple of strangers together as if forces of nature over powered us into submission. I know neither of us was looking for anyone on Tuesday morning. 

Yet, now we have talked for hours on end about our hopes and dreams and where we want to be in five years, ten years and the rest of our lives. Now we have met again and we were suppose to go out on a date tonight, but we talked on the phone and met for lunch and then spent the entire day together. He was a perfect gentleman and I love that he can make me laugh and I him. Laughter goes a long way in healing ones soul. 

"I look forward to much more laughter and companionship"      

"A New Adventure"

I have met someone that seems too good to to be true at this time in my life. It all came out of left field  as his Latte was spilled in front of me at Starbucks on Tuesday morning. As he turned around to say that he was sorry and was trying to clean the spill with napkins as he was talking to his boss on his cell. It was really not his fault since the guy behind the counter almost threw his Latte at him. The guy behind the counter realized he was at fault and was apologizing also. Then the guy now on the floor looked up at me and our eyes met with an instant attraction on my part. Then he became concerned that he may have burned me , but he received the blunt of the spill down his pants into his shoes and I could tell he was very embarrassed. I got some napkins and said for him to clean himself and I would get the spill off the floor when a guy with a mop suddenly appeared and I jumped as he held the mop handle and threw the mop head right beside my hand and it splashed on me. Needless to say Starbucks did not have it together that morning. The guy received his second Latte and turned and left. 

I looked back and was thinking to myself damn he was hot, but I didn't see him and felt disappointed. As I went to pay for my order the guy said that guy paid for yours and gave me $1.12 back in change. I was shocked I didn't have to pay, but I took the money and was leaving. I still felt disappointed. Story of my life. As I walked out the door I hear Miss are you alright? It was the guy in front of me and he had waited for me. I said, Oh yes I am fine are you okay? He said, besides being embarrassed in front of a beautiful woman I am great I just need to go home and change now. Then he turned as if to walk away and I said have a good day. He turned and said, I feel like such a fool to ask this. But, are you single? I said, Yes I am. He said, you don't have to but I have my card here if you would call me sometimes I would love that. Then he said, but I am sorry I am in such a rush I hope to hear from you. Then he smiled and said, it is up to you if you want to call, but I am sorry about all the mess. Then he said, I must go now, and hope to hear from you sometimes and went and got into his car and left. I still stood there dumbfounded and then realized I had his name on his card, but he didn't have my name. 

As I drove to work I wondered what would I say when I called "I am the woman in Starbucks that you almost spilled coffee on?" I could not get the incident out of my head all day at work. I wondered if I should call that day or wait like everyone does on TV thinking they will seem too eager. I could not wait to call him, but I did. I had the modeling shoot and work and then when I came in it seemed to be too late to call him so I didn't. I worked hard and came in late the next night and put it off yet again. All the while thinking he would have forgotten me by now so I was off today and I summoned all my nerve and called at 8:10pm tonight.

He said, Hello and I said hello and the next thing he said is please be the beautiful woman from Starbucks, but I believe my southern accent in saying hello gave me away. haha I said, I am the woman from Starbucks and my name is Amber. His name is Kyle and he is a Systems Engineer for Avid Technology here in Baltimore and is from Chicago and graduated from Cornell University. He too lost his girlfriend of six years a couple of years back and has had trouble moving on in life. He too believes in love still, but has not dated a lot either. He has 3 siblings and his mom and dad are still happily married after 37 years of marriage and Kyle is the second child and 32 years old. 

The longer we talked the more we seem to have in common. I was so surprised when he said, I am starving after two hours on the phone. He had dinner plans with friends and was getting ready to go out when I called, but he never said anything. He said, He would rather talk with me than to go out and hated that he had mentioned it. But, he really scored points with me that he stayed in to talk to me when he could have went out and had fun with his friends. 

We have made a date for tonight. I am still awake and blogging, but I am not posting it on my facebook page just yet since I don't want to jinx it. I know it is far to early at this point to know anything, but I like him and I am focused on him. I want him to like me and I know he does so far since he said, that he was glad that we talked on the phone first because we were able to cover so much in a few hours. He said, It can only get better from here Amber. You know I almost believe it will. 

   

No Baggage Here

One of the hardest things to ever do is let go of any baggage that we feel we might have.  It can be hard to shake those voices in our head that say there is something wrong with us or that there is something in our history to be ashamed of.  We've all had to be face to face with shame.  And anyone who has ever worked through it would probably say it's one of the most empowering things they've ever done. 

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Recently, as I've been learning about emotions, I realized my study was connected with the monumental topic of vulnerability. (Light bulb!)  I was a shy, sensitive child who grew up in an environment where I did not learn to feel emotionally safe.  I finally realized over the last couple of weeks what that feeling is and why I've been closed off both to being vulnerable within myself and vulnerable with other people. 

I started looking back at why I have felt so unsafe so much of the time.  All of my usual insecurities came back: will people like me, am I completely unhealthy, do I have what it takes to create healthy relationships, will I pass my baggage onto my children, can I be strong enough, whole enough, likable enough, good enough for...whatever? 

Then, in another flash of light, I realized I am not my baggage.  Unsafe and unworthy is baggage I have carried with me, but it is not me.  I began to separate the labels and I looked around at my life with new eyes.  Doing that allowed me to answer those questions, drop my baggage, and step away from it.  I feel whole and empowered.  I know who I am.  I am a daughter of God, with beauty, strength, ability, and value.  I can be the best I can be right now, and that is enough.  In fact, it is better than I thought it was.

In Love Or In Love With The Idea Of Love?

To my dear readers - are you in a relationship and feeling some agony about it in your gut, yet at the same time feeling like you are "in love" and feeling "love" for this partner?  CONFUSING, right?  Are you in love with someone who actually would not impress you if you stepped back and watched him/her from the sidelines in their lives?  Are you in love with someone, yet in your gut, you have a nagging feeling that this isn't the best decision to be with this person?  If so...

consider the idea that you might be "in love with the idea of being in love."

I hope this makes sense.  And if you think this could be you, know that you certainly are not alone.  I've talked to so many women who have been there.  In fact, we've probably all been there at least once.

Here are two things that I think contribute to this problem...

1.  LOW SELF-WORTH.

2.  SEX.  (yep)

Let me explain... :)

1.  LOW SELF WORTH.
This is the easy one.  ha.  Self-worth is soooo crucial in dating.  Oh my goodness.  Please, please...if you are struggling with this, tackle it head on.  Try to overcome this.  It will help you tremendously as you date and try to decide who to marry one day.  Without self worth, it's easy to feel a little desperate.  It's easy to look past major red flags in a relationship simply because you want so desperately to be loved.  Without self-worth, it's easy to get yourself into some pickles.  It's easy to stay in a relationship for all the wrong reasons.  It's easy to latch on to anyone who throws you a bone.  It's easy to think that you won't be WHOLE until you find a partner or a spouse.  It's easy to feel as though finding a partner is the only thing that matters, and that life is really in a holding pattern until you meet "the one" who will make everything feel complete.  I hope you can see how detrimental this can be in a relationship.  Someone with low self-worth often demands that their partner make them whole; they rely on someone else to provide them with happiness.  Oh dear.  This thinking is NOT HEALTHY.  This will not lead to a healthy relationship.  This will lead to one big roller coaster.

If you feel your self-worth really could use a boost, there is hope for you!  :)  And I think feeling this way is really quite normal, actually.  But...PLEASE CHOOSE TO IMPROVE!  :)  There are so many things you can do!  Here are some ideas to get you started, though I am sure there are many more (if you have anything to add, please leave it in the comments!)

• Find a professional you can connect with who can walk you through overcoming this (keep shopping around for a good fit, if necessary!)

• Ask someone you already know and respect to coach you.  A self-worth mentor!  Why not?

• Go find a church or a supportive community!  Churches can be amazing in helping people to understand their value.  The church has been instrumental in helping me to develop my self-worth.  Though there are certainly so many organizations that could help in this area.  I recommend finding one!  :)

• Speak with a spiritual leader or healer.  To me, healing on a spiritual level can bring about the most powerful changes I've ever seen in people of all faiths and belief systems.

• Get some exercise.  This can do wonders!!

• Get a Dr. check-up - make sure your hormones, Vitamin D levels, thyroid and other triggers are in check.  Physical imbalances can make you feel down about yourself and your life.  You can help the situation a lot by maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

• Do activities that make you feel positively about yourself.  Serve others.  Find a hobby.  Play an instrument.  Do something daring.

• Become a seeker.  Try to figure this out.  Read books by experts like Brene Brown & Eckart Tolle.  Talk to friends.  Take classes.  Search philosophy and scripture. 

• Replace the negative script in your head with a more positive script until those positive words become your belief system.  

2.  SEX.  

OK, I think sex plays a huge part in getting addicted to "love".  You see, sex creates a powerful bond between two people; it DOES create a desire to be with someone.  In fact, that's why it's so dang amazing for a husband and wife to have it in their marriage.  :)  There are few things more powerful than sex.  BUT, when two people who are unmarried and who are still trying to figure out who and when to marry and how to make the best decisions for their lives.....sex can really, really muddy the decision making process; it can make your brain go to mush.  You see, sex creates feelings of love, safety, security, desire and bonding.  But it can create those same feelings EVEN IF you are with someone who you know deep down is not a good match for you.  In other words, you could become bonded with the wrong person, with a jerk, with someone who is not ready for marriage, with someone who is not treating you well.  You may not even be on the same page in life at all!  Yet sex can bond you and make you feel enhanced feelings of being "in love" with each other.  Talk about getting yourself stuck in a difficult and confusing situation.  Some may think I'm old fashioned on this, but I believe in empowering women (and men) before they get married, when at all possible.  I think if you remove sex from the equation, it leads to less long-term roller coaster relationships that should have ended a long time ago.  It leads to less devastating, heart wrenching, messy break ups that can feel like a divorce.  Instead, it provides an opportunity for people to think more clearly and therefore make better decisions regarding marriage.  And because of that, I'm all for it!   

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I'd love to hear your thoughts! Do you think I'm off my rocker?  Spot on?  :)

And, do you think you've ever been in a relationship because you were addicted to "love"?  Any wisdom or thoughts to pass along?

My Job as a Pediatrician

Ever wonder what your pediatrician does all day? Ever wonder why you sometimes have to wait to be seen (or, in my case, many times)? Doesn't she just spend 8 hours a day at the office and then go home? Why does she sometimes seem a little tired? How can she be tired if she only works 4 to 5 days a week in the office?

If you have ever wondered about those things, I am going to give you a peek into what my typical work day looks like.

4:00 a.m. – Get up and get ready for the day. (If I am really disciplined, I will get up at 3:00 or 3:30 so I can exercise.)

5:45 – Leave for the hospital

6:05 – Arrive at first hospital, make rounds in newborn nursery, then move on to the pediatric ward to round on inpatients.

7:00 – Leave first hospital and go to second hospital. Repeat the above.

8:45 – Leave second hospital and drive to office.

Note: I do not always have patients at both nurseries and both pediatric wards. I do often have to go to both hospitals, though. If I don’t have patients at both hospitals, I go get some coffee and spend some quiet time before the office.

9:00 – Arrive at the office to start the office day. I am usually met with multiple questions that relate to patients who might need to come in immediately but don’t want to, or who must have this form now or they won’t be able to go to football practice (but they didn't bring it in until this morning), or I find out that a staff member won’t be at work today because they are sick or something urgent happened. Or, if it is winter, “The schedule is full already, where do you want to add sick patients?”.

9:05 – Start seeing morning patients. I will generally see an average of 4 patients per hour. In winter I may see 6 per hour. In summer, I may see 3 per hour, depending on the type of visits. Between patients, I am usually greeted with more questions about where to fit someone in, presented with more forms to sign, forced to be cordial to the drug rep who is bringing in the samples that we need and has her boss with her, have to call back to the hospital about a patient, or have to argue with an insurance company about approving the MRI that our patient desperately needs to prove she does not have a brain tumor or spinal injury.

Along the way, I do have the great privilege of conversing and playing with lots of fun little kids while making the best medical decisions for them that I am able. The relationship with the kids and their parents is what makes all the other hassles worthwhile.

1:30 – I finish my “morning” after 7 1/2 hours of work. I then move on to my lunch “hour”, which is usually less than 30 minutes and is spent reviewing labs, returning phone calls, and signing forms while shoveling in whatever I happen to have available for lunch that day.

2:00 – I start the afternoon and do more of what I did from 9:00-1:30. The after school phone calls begin and we work to try to fit in those kids who got picked up from school sick. If our schedule for the afternoon is already full, we usually add those kids on anyway and stay late to see them, unless I have a firm evening commitment that requires me to leave by a certain time. Right before closing is when the asthmatic in severe respiratory distress walks in and must be urgently treated in the office while arranging for admission to the pediatric ward.

5:00-7:00 – I will finish seeing patients somewhere between 5:00 and 7:00, depending on the time of year and day of the week. Once all patients have left the office, I will usually still be at the office for another hour or two finishing documentation and making phone calls. If I admitted someone, I will also dictate the admission note and follow up on any admission orders that I have done.

6:00-8:30 –  I  finally make it to the gym work out if I do not get stuck returning to the hospital for something. It has been sometimes 11pm to 12am before I can get home at night. 

So there you have it. A typical pediatric work day for me. Some pediatricians will work longer hours than I work. Some will work fewer days and fewer hours than I do. Most will have a similar set of responsibilities that they must somehow manage while seeing patients in the office, making the right medical decisions, and not getting too far behind schedule.

Despite how hectic things can sometimes be, I am glad to be a pediatrician and I don’t know what else I would do with my life. 

"A Girl Like Me"

It has been awhile since I blogged and yet I have needed to vent about life. I am a open book due to the advice of a therapist after losing both my mom and fiancee within a short period of time. I was just talking to a friend that I have known for ten years now. Wow doesn't time fly? It seems as though I have known this person forever, although we have never met there is a bond there that will surpass the hands of time. We had talked about me feeling as though my life is at a stand still as though I am just waiting to finish my fellowship to move on with a new phase in my life.  

I find that I want to love again, but I want things to be right when I do. I know there is no perfect time that I need to live for the here and now, and leave my past where it belongs in my past. Yet, I have held on to a love that is gone for far to long. I realize that although, I try to be a good person I don't make it easy for people to love me. I still shut people out and I am good at it. I want so bad to let someone in and share my life with them, but when I start to have feelings for them I shut them out as to not place my pain upon them. 

I heard a song the other day for the first time due to working so much I never have the time to listen to the radio or music channels on TV and I have "Sirius Music Radio" The song is "A Girl Like Me" By Miranda Lambert. This song is me, exactly. 

I still feel pain everyday and the only man I ever heart loved is gone from me forever, so I ask myself why try?

Why try to have something that will never be the same and hurt someone in the process? I have been hurt and therefore I do not want to cause someone pain if I don't have it in me to love them as they need to be loved. I want to give as good as I get and be able to love someone unconditionally and without doubts. But, life and love is complicated ......

"With A Girl Like Me" 

Walking Away and Moving On

Life the past few months have been unbearable for me. There is no explaining what happen or why, but it was. I was devastated and had no way to solve the problem and I tried to distance myself from it, but it was always there like a bad cold. I needed answers that never came until today. The outcome was simple, it hurt but I know now where I stand and I now have one foot from standing on higher ground. I am thankful that I have been freed from this torment with a few simple words that to some may mean nothing, but to me meant everything. 

Funny how you can have two people that know each other well, but they do not know what to say when it is all over. It meant nothing really on there part but to me it meant everything. I was stuck in limbo, and they held all the cards to my survival but could not comprehend that they held all the answers. Life is complicated enough without making it harder for someone else. I did forgive as I should and I am moving on.

Funny how you can truly love someone and they cannot love you back in the same way. I am told I can move on and have anyone I want but I can't because they are either dead or taken. Yes, I was dumped the person everyone claims can have anyone they want was dumped. I am not saying this out of bitterness, but I am tired of people telling me what I can or cannot have because I can't and never could. Everyone thinks life is simple for me, but it's not. No one ever sees me from the inside out only from the outside my appearance. 

If only someone could see the woman that I am inside.